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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 748647" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Thank you all for your kind and wise responses. Flip, flop.</p><p>Me.</p><p>I am having to rethink my approach.</p><p>Again.</p><p>After contact with Rain and comments from her sister Hoku about a conversation that ensued after sons graduation I am met with the utter <em>insanity</em> of my twos lifestyles and the real danger that presents to any kind of normalcy and just plain safety for my family as long as they are on the streets.</p><p>Rain is with another abusive man.</p><p>Again.</p><p>The revelation that he spent years in prison for a <em>revenge murder</em> is raising up all of my mama bears hackles and putting me back on the defensive, rightly so.</p><p>How insane is that?</p><p>Not only does Rain endanger herself by hooking up with these violent men, she threatens the safety of her family. She has brought him up to my home on a few occasions in the past. I had no idea of his background and have always been leery of her “street friends” knowing full well that they were also addicts and capable of doing harm.</p><p>Shocked back to the reality of this situation.</p><p>I can’t and won’t allow my family or myself to be subjected to the craziness of her choices.</p><p>Back to square one.</p><p>Rinse, repeat.</p><p>You know Copa, we can all look back with a huge dose of shoulda, woulda, coulda, thinking that maybe if I had responded thusly, things would be different now. I go there every so often, then I have to remind myself that I did the best I could under some very bizarre circumstances. Loving a child with mental health or addiction or co combined issues is definitely not a straight path. Yes, I made Rain leave at 18, she was defiant, hateful, lazy, partying, disrespectful. It was the right thing to do. That I did it with anger is something I have to forgive myself for.</p><p> It was still the right thing.</p><p>That was 22 years ago and she has repeated the same pattern of choosing partners who abuse her in one way or another. It is sad to recount her decline into the streets. But. Again. Choices.</p><p><em><strong>I have to choose sanity and safety.</strong></em></p><p>Going down to the park where Rain is. That’s insanity. Especially under these circumstances. Her boyfriend feels threatened by our contacting her. He tried to sabotage her coming to the graduation. She came, but slept through most of it, because of the drama she went through with him the night before and day of. I can’t and won’t place myself or my family in harms way. I can’t help her. She has to help herself.</p><p>As I am writing this, I am reflecting that this event was a family celebration, for my son and HIS accomplishments. While it was good to have Rain there, AGAIN, it became a shift in focus, over her issues brought on by her choices.</p><p>I am not blaming the victim, domestic violence is a horrible thing, but really? <em>This pattern</em>.</p><p>She commented that when she fled to an old boyfriend and this man came after her, the old boyfriend did nothing to help her.</p><p>This man is a murderer. Hello? Who wants to go up against that? Or get next to it? </p><p>It is opening my eyes once again that I fall into a pattern as well. Sucked into the vortex by the fear of sepsis and my Rain losing her life. The reality is, this may happen for any number of reasons due to her ill health, drug use, choosing to be with violent partners and expecting others to rescue her from her choice.</p><p>Compassion is one thing, placing yourself in harms way is <em>insane</em>.</p><p>So, I am totally rethinking this.</p><p>Back to square one.</p><p>You know, I was flashing back on the time Rain came up to the house years ago, beat up and downtrodden, at my door right before I was leaving for work. I called in late and offered to take her to a DV shelter. She refused. I have felt guilt that I did not do more. This is making me realize that it was all I could <em>sanely</em> do, considering my own safety and that of my son, my home.</p><p>This is all so crazy.</p><p>Shocked back to reality.</p><p>Thank you all for listening and sharing your heartfelt wisdom.</p><p>I need to toughen up my armor.</p><p>Or get a new shield altogether.</p><p>Ugh.</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 748647, member: 19522"] Thank you all for your kind and wise responses. Flip, flop. Me. I am having to rethink my approach. Again. After contact with Rain and comments from her sister Hoku about a conversation that ensued after sons graduation I am met with the utter [I]insanity[/I] of my twos lifestyles and the real danger that presents to any kind of normalcy and just plain safety for my family as long as they are on the streets. Rain is with another abusive man. Again. The revelation that he spent years in prison for a [I]revenge murder[/I] is raising up all of my mama bears hackles and putting me back on the defensive, rightly so. How insane is that? Not only does Rain endanger herself by hooking up with these violent men, she threatens the safety of her family. She has brought him up to my home on a few occasions in the past. I had no idea of his background and have always been leery of her “street friends” knowing full well that they were also addicts and capable of doing harm. Shocked back to the reality of this situation. I can’t and won’t allow my family or myself to be subjected to the craziness of her choices. Back to square one. Rinse, repeat. You know Copa, we can all look back with a huge dose of shoulda, woulda, coulda, thinking that maybe if I had responded thusly, things would be different now. I go there every so often, then I have to remind myself that I did the best I could under some very bizarre circumstances. Loving a child with mental health or addiction or co combined issues is definitely not a straight path. Yes, I made Rain leave at 18, she was defiant, hateful, lazy, partying, disrespectful. It was the right thing to do. That I did it with anger is something I have to forgive myself for. It was still the right thing. That was 22 years ago and she has repeated the same pattern of choosing partners who abuse her in one way or another. It is sad to recount her decline into the streets. But. Again. Choices. [I][B]I have to choose sanity and safety.[/B][/I] Going down to the park where Rain is. That’s insanity. Especially under these circumstances. Her boyfriend feels threatened by our contacting her. He tried to sabotage her coming to the graduation. She came, but slept through most of it, because of the drama she went through with him the night before and day of. I can’t and won’t place myself or my family in harms way. I can’t help her. She has to help herself. As I am writing this, I am reflecting that this event was a family celebration, for my son and HIS accomplishments. While it was good to have Rain there, AGAIN, it became a shift in focus, over her issues brought on by her choices. I am not blaming the victim, domestic violence is a horrible thing, but really? [I]This pattern[/I]. She commented that when she fled to an old boyfriend and this man came after her, the old boyfriend did nothing to help her. This man is a murderer. Hello? Who wants to go up against that? Or get next to it? It is opening my eyes once again that I fall into a pattern as well. Sucked into the vortex by the fear of sepsis and my Rain losing her life. The reality is, this may happen for any number of reasons due to her ill health, drug use, choosing to be with violent partners and expecting others to rescue her from her choice. Compassion is one thing, placing yourself in harms way is [I]insane[/I]. So, I am totally rethinking this. Back to square one. You know, I was flashing back on the time Rain came up to the house years ago, beat up and downtrodden, at my door right before I was leaving for work. I called in late and offered to take her to a DV shelter. She refused. I have felt guilt that I did not do more. This is making me realize that it was all I could [I]sanely[/I] do, considering my own safety and that of my son, my home. This is all so crazy. Shocked back to reality. Thank you all for listening and sharing your heartfelt wisdom. I need to toughen up my armor. Or get a new shield altogether. Ugh. Leafy [/QUOTE]
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