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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 758491" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Trying:</p><p></p><p>I know how hard it is. You must be exhausted. You need a time out! You matter!!</p><p></p><p>He is trying to get his feelings out of himself and into you. I don't think you serve yourself (or him) to engage in this with him. I would try to take control of this. You do have control here. Where is it written that you have to be his punching bag? That's what he is doing, Trying. He's whipping you. Don't accept this.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing you can say or do to make this work. He is the one who must do the work. </p><p></p><p>Your suffering will not help him stop drinking. It won't take away his pain, to beat you verbally. That's what he is doing, Trying.</p><p></p><p>Additionally, I don't think you help yourself by future thinking. You may fear what he might do, but you don't know. He has free choice. Most of us have had to deal with suicidal statements of our kids. It's horrible. What I learned to do is to call the police every single time, my son made a threat in front of me. I did not evaluate seriousness of the threat. I called whenever he said anything vaguely suggesting self-harm. He stopped this almost 99.9 percent.</p><p></p><p>The longer you keep engaged with him with all of this self-pity, the more incentive he has to keep it up, rather than search in himself and develop strength, motivation, and intention. The more you engage with him, the more he will act like a blob. A blob won't stop drinking. He needs to man-up. Your job is to help him by dis-engaging from self-pitying behavior. That is what I think.</p><p></p><p>I would tell him you love him, and that you believe in him. I would set a time each week where you will be available to speak to him. If he won't do it; you take responsibility. Tell him these calls are not good for either one of you. That is what is true. It doesn't hurt to tell the truth. Tell him you trust he will do the best thing for himself. And follow through. Other than the defined limited time, do not call, or accept calls.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing you can say or do that will help. The power he needs is within himself.</p><p></p><p>If you have a hard time doing this, go to Al Anon. 'Right now both of you are rolling around in weakness and regret. We all have this, but we don't have to stay there. Refuse to roll around here with him. He is very astute about resources and seeking support. He has done it over and over again. You need to set a limit, Trying. You matter here too.</p><p></p><p>Of course I could be wrong. But I don't think I am.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 758491, member: 18958"] Dear Trying: I know how hard it is. You must be exhausted. You need a time out! You matter!! He is trying to get his feelings out of himself and into you. I don't think you serve yourself (or him) to engage in this with him. I would try to take control of this. You do have control here. Where is it written that you have to be his punching bag? That's what he is doing, Trying. He's whipping you. Don't accept this. There is nothing you can say or do to make this work. He is the one who must do the work. Your suffering will not help him stop drinking. It won't take away his pain, to beat you verbally. That's what he is doing, Trying. Additionally, I don't think you help yourself by future thinking. You may fear what he might do, but you don't know. He has free choice. Most of us have had to deal with suicidal statements of our kids. It's horrible. What I learned to do is to call the police every single time, my son made a threat in front of me. I did not evaluate seriousness of the threat. I called whenever he said anything vaguely suggesting self-harm. He stopped this almost 99.9 percent. The longer you keep engaged with him with all of this self-pity, the more incentive he has to keep it up, rather than search in himself and develop strength, motivation, and intention. The more you engage with him, the more he will act like a blob. A blob won't stop drinking. He needs to man-up. Your job is to help him by dis-engaging from self-pitying behavior. That is what I think. I would tell him you love him, and that you believe in him. I would set a time each week where you will be available to speak to him. If he won't do it; you take responsibility. Tell him these calls are not good for either one of you. That is what is true. It doesn't hurt to tell the truth. Tell him you trust he will do the best thing for himself. And follow through. Other than the defined limited time, do not call, or accept calls. There is nothing you can say or do that will help. The power he needs is within himself. If you have a hard time doing this, go to Al Anon. 'Right now both of you are rolling around in weakness and regret. We all have this, but we don't have to stay there. Refuse to roll around here with him. He is very astute about resources and seeking support. He has done it over and over again. You need to set a limit, Trying. You matter here too. Of course I could be wrong. But I don't think I am. [/QUOTE]
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