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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 435047" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>First of all, ((((((((((hugs)))))))))). Words of criticism about our children always hurt far more than criticism about ourselves. As moms we wrap so much of our selves into our mothering that those words cut like the sharpest of daggers. Men derive the majority of their self definition from their jobs, while mothers derive it from our children. </p><p></p><p>Your son will NOT grow up to be a twisted, out of control monster simply because you are a single parent and there is no father in the regular picture right now. It simply won't happen. you could blame his problems on your being a single working mom, but it won't be reality. Yes, a male role model is a good thing to have when raising a child. Boys do need strong, healthy male role models, but fathers are not always that for them. It sounds like when you and your ex are some distance from each other you can treat each other with some amount of respect. But proximity does NOT increase this in many divorced or never married couples as they work to co-parent a child. You may find that there is a gentleman in the village, the father of a friend of your son's, a friend or significant other of your own, an older man who could be an adopted grandpa to him, or a mentor to help him with that male influence. in my opinion age four is a bit young to think that his problems are because there is no father in the daily picture. </p><p></p><p>Before you get all upset about what this man says and thinks, consider the source. Is this a man who lives the kind of life you want your son to have? Does he have healthy, loving relationships with his family - those that live in the home and the extended family also? </p><p></p><p>Your son is four. Exactly what education is he supposed to have at that age? In the US we do have pre-kindergarten classes but this is in response to having the majority of the homes with all adults working full time jobs. Daycare is expensive and many who couldn't afford it had kids in settings that were unsafe or were barely supervised, like older siblings home to care for them in the summers. Some states require all children to start kindergarten by age 6, others require school to start in first grade at age 6 or 7. The US also has a growing number of people who choose to educate their children at home instead of sending them to schools. Each state has rules about this and has lots of parents who feel it is far better than sending them to underfunded schools.</p><p></p><p>As the mom of a child who has problems, you will have to develop a tough skin because there will always be those who think his problems are because you are doing it wrong. The "it" will vary from person to person and they will each see a different set of ways you should handle it. We call it wearing your rhino skin armor - to keep all those verbal darts and jabs from making you bleed emotionally.</p><p></p><p>Your son is not going to do what other kids do at the age they do it at. He will be way ahead in some things and way behind in others. Kids iwth adhd and other problems are often much younger emotionally than they are in years - about 30% younger is usually right. so what he will do at age 6 is what other kids will do around age 4. They just take longer to develop in some areas. Expecting him to do what all the kids his age are doing is setting him up for huge failure. Not to say he cannot be challenged, but that his needs and problems will mean he takes longer to reach many things, esp social ones. </p><p></p><p>I am not sure a 4yo should be out running around with-o an adult. In your yard probably but only for a few minutes. As for running to other peoples houses or community areas, well, most 4 year olds are just not old enough to handle that responsibility. They need constant superivision when out among the community simply because they are so impulsive and unable to understand all the dangers of what they are doing. It may be that you need to make some new rules so that he can go and play but you are there to watch him. This iwll protect you both from accusations that he did this or that or messed up the other etc and will also keep him from being bullied or gotten to do something that is wrong because another child told him it was okay to do it.</p><p></p><p>I do not know what is expected of kids in France. But i sure would NOT take the word of some gossipy, inconsiderate neighbor as far as what is right and wrong iwth my child. I would look at what we are doing and evaluate it to see if it is working for my child in the area we live in and then adjust what you think needs to be adjusted. </p><p></p><p>Many people choose to believe that adhd and other things our kids deal with are not real, or are excuses or are because we did not do something or other right with them. Until they have a difficult child of their own to raise they simply will not be able to comprehend your reality.</p><p></p><p>So when this guy starts harping on you to get away from comments on his own inconsiderate behavior (like taking your parking place or blocking you in), see his words as him woofing to prove his dominance (he isn't, but he thinks he should be for some imaginary reason in his tiny brain) and to distract you from your polite and reasonable request that he be a polite, reasonable and considerate neighbor. If you REALLY want to confuse him, next time you bake cookies or something, have difficult child take him some with a great big smile and have difficult child tell him to have a wonderful day. As my Daddy always says, "Love thy neighbor. Drives 'em nuts." Seriously - he raised us on that phrase.</p><p></p><p>If that doesn't work, put some dog poo right by his car door so he has to step in or around it to get in. (not really, but imagine it in your head and giggle).</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 435047, member: 1233"] First of all, ((((((((((hugs)))))))))). Words of criticism about our children always hurt far more than criticism about ourselves. As moms we wrap so much of our selves into our mothering that those words cut like the sharpest of daggers. Men derive the majority of their self definition from their jobs, while mothers derive it from our children. Your son will NOT grow up to be a twisted, out of control monster simply because you are a single parent and there is no father in the regular picture right now. It simply won't happen. you could blame his problems on your being a single working mom, but it won't be reality. Yes, a male role model is a good thing to have when raising a child. Boys do need strong, healthy male role models, but fathers are not always that for them. It sounds like when you and your ex are some distance from each other you can treat each other with some amount of respect. But proximity does NOT increase this in many divorced or never married couples as they work to co-parent a child. You may find that there is a gentleman in the village, the father of a friend of your son's, a friend or significant other of your own, an older man who could be an adopted grandpa to him, or a mentor to help him with that male influence. in my opinion age four is a bit young to think that his problems are because there is no father in the daily picture. Before you get all upset about what this man says and thinks, consider the source. Is this a man who lives the kind of life you want your son to have? Does he have healthy, loving relationships with his family - those that live in the home and the extended family also? Your son is four. Exactly what education is he supposed to have at that age? In the US we do have pre-kindergarten classes but this is in response to having the majority of the homes with all adults working full time jobs. Daycare is expensive and many who couldn't afford it had kids in settings that were unsafe or were barely supervised, like older siblings home to care for them in the summers. Some states require all children to start kindergarten by age 6, others require school to start in first grade at age 6 or 7. The US also has a growing number of people who choose to educate their children at home instead of sending them to schools. Each state has rules about this and has lots of parents who feel it is far better than sending them to underfunded schools. As the mom of a child who has problems, you will have to develop a tough skin because there will always be those who think his problems are because you are doing it wrong. The "it" will vary from person to person and they will each see a different set of ways you should handle it. We call it wearing your rhino skin armor - to keep all those verbal darts and jabs from making you bleed emotionally. Your son is not going to do what other kids do at the age they do it at. He will be way ahead in some things and way behind in others. Kids iwth adhd and other problems are often much younger emotionally than they are in years - about 30% younger is usually right. so what he will do at age 6 is what other kids will do around age 4. They just take longer to develop in some areas. Expecting him to do what all the kids his age are doing is setting him up for huge failure. Not to say he cannot be challenged, but that his needs and problems will mean he takes longer to reach many things, esp social ones. I am not sure a 4yo should be out running around with-o an adult. In your yard probably but only for a few minutes. As for running to other peoples houses or community areas, well, most 4 year olds are just not old enough to handle that responsibility. They need constant superivision when out among the community simply because they are so impulsive and unable to understand all the dangers of what they are doing. It may be that you need to make some new rules so that he can go and play but you are there to watch him. This iwll protect you both from accusations that he did this or that or messed up the other etc and will also keep him from being bullied or gotten to do something that is wrong because another child told him it was okay to do it. I do not know what is expected of kids in France. But i sure would NOT take the word of some gossipy, inconsiderate neighbor as far as what is right and wrong iwth my child. I would look at what we are doing and evaluate it to see if it is working for my child in the area we live in and then adjust what you think needs to be adjusted. Many people choose to believe that adhd and other things our kids deal with are not real, or are excuses or are because we did not do something or other right with them. Until they have a difficult child of their own to raise they simply will not be able to comprehend your reality. So when this guy starts harping on you to get away from comments on his own inconsiderate behavior (like taking your parking place or blocking you in), see his words as him woofing to prove his dominance (he isn't, but he thinks he should be for some imaginary reason in his tiny brain) and to distract you from your polite and reasonable request that he be a polite, reasonable and considerate neighbor. If you REALLY want to confuse him, next time you bake cookies or something, have difficult child take him some with a great big smile and have difficult child tell him to have a wonderful day. As my Daddy always says, "Love thy neighbor. Drives 'em nuts." Seriously - he raised us on that phrase. If that doesn't work, put some dog poo right by his car door so he has to step in or around it to get in. (not really, but imagine it in your head and giggle). [/QUOTE]
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