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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 435216" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Thanks for all your comments and insights. I know what you mean about the French towards the English, 3S! In fact, I think in this case that it isn't really that - or a priori the fact that J is Moroccan or (even!) the fact that I am on my own. The villagers are largely open and welcoming - on the surface, it doesn't go very deep, but that is typical of French society in that they are not as open to "outsiders" as some other cultures. And when we first came here they were genuinely welcoming, also of J. Everyone gossips here. I think people have doubtless been disapproving and judgemental of some of J's behaviour because it is so outside their cultural norms - he talks to adults as if they are children of his age, for example, which makes some people laugh as they think it is sweet - and others, I am sure, critical and bemused. So I am sure there are judgements flying around. What is slightly different about my neighbours is that they are not well-intentioned towards me/us, for reasons of their own (they had the space up here all to themselves for years and then we moved in) and I am pretty sure, they are stirring up gossip against J, going here and there spreading bits of half-truth, exaggerations, etc. What really struck me in the conversation with the man yesterday was that his total assumption was that I have to do what they want, fit in with them, but they are not to make any compromises or moves towards me... because they are "from here" (in fact only he is) and I am not, being the unspoken premise, presumably. When I said that the noise they make is very disturbing and they make no effort to contain it, he said "So you should just move".... ! As I said, destiny had it that we were put next to people who are basically boorish, who have little manners or education themselves (sounds snooty, I mean a deeper kind of education than comes from going to college) - most other people here are much more gracious and polite. And it does make our existence here uncomfortable.to say the least. I just don't want to "run away" though... set up some pattern for J that when things get difficult we move. I'd like to see through one more year here if possible!!</p><p>Various themes were mixed up in my original post - the thing about fathers was to do with my continuing uncertainty about whether a father's influence and authority would make a difference to J. I myself of course do not like or "approve of" the way he sometimes speaks to people, which is aggressive and rude - albeit in a kind of cute way. But I think before too long it is going to stop being so cute... Of course I tell him it is not appropriate but it doesn't seem to make any difference. Sometimes he just does not listen to me - I ask him to do something or not to do something and he ignores me. Usuallly he will listen if I find some alternative method, some "Explosive Child" negotiating strategy, etc, but who is able to do that ALL the time? These things do concern me. It's what make people look at J and think he is a bad lot - and he totally isn't. He's got a lot of empathy, a tender heart, is very affectionate and sensitive - but it is all underneath this unappealing behaviour he sometimes displays...</p><p>Maybe I'm just describing what people call ADHD and ODD... maybe all of this comes from funny things going on in his brain that we can't see or analyse... But since I am on my own, I am bound to wonder whether he would be "better" if he had a male influence more constantly in his life. Trouble is the male influence he does have is my ex-husband, who seems to have changed for the better but is still far from a mature, wise soul... We must deal with things as they are, of course, and not how I would like them to be.</p><p>It ain't easy, is it?!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 435216, member: 11227"] Thanks for all your comments and insights. I know what you mean about the French towards the English, 3S! In fact, I think in this case that it isn't really that - or a priori the fact that J is Moroccan or (even!) the fact that I am on my own. The villagers are largely open and welcoming - on the surface, it doesn't go very deep, but that is typical of French society in that they are not as open to "outsiders" as some other cultures. And when we first came here they were genuinely welcoming, also of J. Everyone gossips here. I think people have doubtless been disapproving and judgemental of some of J's behaviour because it is so outside their cultural norms - he talks to adults as if they are children of his age, for example, which makes some people laugh as they think it is sweet - and others, I am sure, critical and bemused. So I am sure there are judgements flying around. What is slightly different about my neighbours is that they are not well-intentioned towards me/us, for reasons of their own (they had the space up here all to themselves for years and then we moved in) and I am pretty sure, they are stirring up gossip against J, going here and there spreading bits of half-truth, exaggerations, etc. What really struck me in the conversation with the man yesterday was that his total assumption was that I have to do what they want, fit in with them, but they are not to make any compromises or moves towards me... because they are "from here" (in fact only he is) and I am not, being the unspoken premise, presumably. When I said that the noise they make is very disturbing and they make no effort to contain it, he said "So you should just move".... ! As I said, destiny had it that we were put next to people who are basically boorish, who have little manners or education themselves (sounds snooty, I mean a deeper kind of education than comes from going to college) - most other people here are much more gracious and polite. And it does make our existence here uncomfortable.to say the least. I just don't want to "run away" though... set up some pattern for J that when things get difficult we move. I'd like to see through one more year here if possible!! Various themes were mixed up in my original post - the thing about fathers was to do with my continuing uncertainty about whether a father's influence and authority would make a difference to J. I myself of course do not like or "approve of" the way he sometimes speaks to people, which is aggressive and rude - albeit in a kind of cute way. But I think before too long it is going to stop being so cute... Of course I tell him it is not appropriate but it doesn't seem to make any difference. Sometimes he just does not listen to me - I ask him to do something or not to do something and he ignores me. Usuallly he will listen if I find some alternative method, some "Explosive Child" negotiating strategy, etc, but who is able to do that ALL the time? These things do concern me. It's what make people look at J and think he is a bad lot - and he totally isn't. He's got a lot of empathy, a tender heart, is very affectionate and sensitive - but it is all underneath this unappealing behaviour he sometimes displays... Maybe I'm just describing what people call ADHD and ODD... maybe all of this comes from funny things going on in his brain that we can't see or analyse... But since I am on my own, I am bound to wonder whether he would be "better" if he had a male influence more constantly in his life. Trouble is the male influence he does have is my ex-husband, who seems to have changed for the better but is still far from a mature, wise soul... We must deal with things as they are, of course, and not how I would like them to be. It ain't easy, is it?! [/QUOTE]
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