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<blockquote data-quote="emotionallybankrupt" data-source="post: 321000" data-attributes="member: 8226"><p>Thanks, I think I'll do just that. Along with the e-mails.</p><p> </p><p>She and I have had so many e-mails flying back and forth in the past couple of weeks, since I learned of her pregnancy. I think I said somewhere in another post that I'm refusing voice calls because I don't think I can handle that emotionally. It's serving another purpose though, I'm finding. It shows me very concretely how my words said out of love and concern keep being twisted into something hateful and accusing. This same dymanic always happens in voice conversations too, of course, but without having a step-by-step replay, I often really do come out of it bewildered. Definitely, as long as written exchanges keep taking that nasty turn, I know it would be a bad choice to have conversation in person or on the phone. She's just determined to be the "victim" at every turn, which I've always thought serves the purpose (in her mind only) of taking all responsibility for bad choices off of her.</p><p> </p><p>Besides keeping my own brain as clear as I can, I'm also thinking ahead to the future, as I also did with my divorce. Someday, this little girl I'm still raising will be asking me many questions about both her father and her sister, and about why I made certain decisions. Some things I've kept in order to help in those explanations if needed. I have no interest in bad-mouthing my ex (easy child was too young at his death to have any memory of him) OR my difficult child, but I can't at this time predict what easy child might need as an adult to satisfy curiosity and bring peace to those questions that are bound to come up. If difficult child keeps this baby, I may someday have some questions from that adult child, which will deserve clear answers.</p><p> </p><p>difficult child wrote me a very long, rambling message last night, which she wants me to give to her sister. Wow. This would be so confusing to easy child. Basically apologizing for all the times she scared her with her temper, got mad for no good reason, didn't want to spend any time with her, refused to help her with anything when she would ask, and on and on. I thiink it's interesting that she gave no reasons for any of these behaviors, and in my response I told her that her sister would need that piece too in order to have any understanding, and that the message would have to be delivered in pieces. difficult child knows this. I think the message is an emotional dump on difficult child's part, so that she can say, "Ok. I've apologized now. All responsibility now erased." I also think there's just a CHANCE that she's THINKING. I sure do hope. difficult child may be truly sorry for some of her mistreatment of her sister, and those issues are bound to be coming to the surface now that difficult child is pregnant. (Note that no apology to me for anything was included anywhere....) easy child has had huge health and developmental issues (part of why difficult child's rambling apology would be such an inappropriate, confusing message for her now). difficult child told me several times within the past year that she knew she never would be able to handle challenges like that. I've reminded of that lately, and pointed out that some challenges she could be dealt would make easy child's look like a mere inconvenience.</p><p> </p><p>difficult child's frequent rages and selfish attitudes put this baby at terrible risk, even if the child turns out to be a easy child. difficult child has never before been willing to cooperate with any therapies at all, but even if that has changed finally, she's now faced with an unrealistic time limit to fix these severe and long-standing problems.</p><p> </p><p>I'm trying so hard to help difficult child be realistic. Of course, that means throwing out some hard truths, which difficult child naturally interprets as cruelty on my part. I've been noticing, however, that it takes an average of about three days for me to receive a response to a blunt e-mail. I thiink she's thinking and processing. It's unfortunate that this process has to be fast-tracked on my part. She's due in six months. I'm just stumbling through the dark with no road map, hoping I'm saying some of the right things.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="emotionallybankrupt, post: 321000, member: 8226"] Thanks, I think I'll do just that. Along with the e-mails. She and I have had so many e-mails flying back and forth in the past couple of weeks, since I learned of her pregnancy. I think I said somewhere in another post that I'm refusing voice calls because I don't think I can handle that emotionally. It's serving another purpose though, I'm finding. It shows me very concretely how my words said out of love and concern keep being twisted into something hateful and accusing. This same dymanic always happens in voice conversations too, of course, but without having a step-by-step replay, I often really do come out of it bewildered. Definitely, as long as written exchanges keep taking that nasty turn, I know it would be a bad choice to have conversation in person or on the phone. She's just determined to be the "victim" at every turn, which I've always thought serves the purpose (in her mind only) of taking all responsibility for bad choices off of her. Besides keeping my own brain as clear as I can, I'm also thinking ahead to the future, as I also did with my divorce. Someday, this little girl I'm still raising will be asking me many questions about both her father and her sister, and about why I made certain decisions. Some things I've kept in order to help in those explanations if needed. I have no interest in bad-mouthing my ex (easy child was too young at his death to have any memory of him) OR my difficult child, but I can't at this time predict what easy child might need as an adult to satisfy curiosity and bring peace to those questions that are bound to come up. If difficult child keeps this baby, I may someday have some questions from that adult child, which will deserve clear answers. difficult child wrote me a very long, rambling message last night, which she wants me to give to her sister. Wow. This would be so confusing to easy child. Basically apologizing for all the times she scared her with her temper, got mad for no good reason, didn't want to spend any time with her, refused to help her with anything when she would ask, and on and on. I thiink it's interesting that she gave no reasons for any of these behaviors, and in my response I told her that her sister would need that piece too in order to have any understanding, and that the message would have to be delivered in pieces. difficult child knows this. I think the message is an emotional dump on difficult child's part, so that she can say, "Ok. I've apologized now. All responsibility now erased." I also think there's just a CHANCE that she's THINKING. I sure do hope. difficult child may be truly sorry for some of her mistreatment of her sister, and those issues are bound to be coming to the surface now that difficult child is pregnant. (Note that no apology to me for anything was included anywhere....) easy child has had huge health and developmental issues (part of why difficult child's rambling apology would be such an inappropriate, confusing message for her now). difficult child told me several times within the past year that she knew she never would be able to handle challenges like that. I've reminded of that lately, and pointed out that some challenges she could be dealt would make easy child's look like a mere inconvenience. difficult child's frequent rages and selfish attitudes put this baby at terrible risk, even if the child turns out to be a easy child. difficult child has never before been willing to cooperate with any therapies at all, but even if that has changed finally, she's now faced with an unrealistic time limit to fix these severe and long-standing problems. I'm trying so hard to help difficult child be realistic. Of course, that means throwing out some hard truths, which difficult child naturally interprets as cruelty on my part. I've been noticing, however, that it takes an average of about three days for me to receive a response to a blunt e-mail. I thiink she's thinking and processing. It's unfortunate that this process has to be fast-tracked on my part. She's due in six months. I'm just stumbling through the dark with no road map, hoping I'm saying some of the right things. [/QUOTE]
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