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Verbally abusive bullying adult son
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 748850" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>In the main he does not "blame" you. This is fundamentally a behavior that seems to work for him (short-term.)That is why our kids step it up when we begin to set limits. It worked before, they think, let me step it up. Their fury grows when it no longer "works" so good. This is what they call instrumental. Like a tool. I think of it as a lock and key.</p><p></p><p>If you think of it that way, you can decide to not be the lock, on which his "key" works. It takes a little bit of trial and error, but you will find a way, to change the code. Like those new fangled deadbolts where you only change the code. Maybe that's a better metaphor. He will no longer have your "code" when you change.</p><p></p><p>You know that his being on empty has not a thing to do with you. It is only that you have consented to be the lock to his key. To respond to his abuse, by forking up money. This has worked for him. Your job now is to change locks. You empower yourself by this, and potentially, you empower him, to find better solutions to his empty gas tank. If need be he will have to give up the car. That is what the rest of us have to do when we cannot afford something, we give it up. Or we find a way to pay.</p><p>His getting a job has not a thing in the world to do with what you do, or do not do. If anything, as long as you support the status quo, this works against his working or doing any other thing to help himself. You sustain the status quo by giving into his punishment of you. You sustain it for you, and for him. The ONLY way we learn in life is to experience the consequences of our action or inaction. Right now the set up is that YOU experience the noxious consequences of his poor decisions and poor behavior. This is what has to change. It will.</p><p></p><p>The reason we understand this, is because we do it too. Some of us have stopped. Many of us cannot yet stop, altogether. But more and more we understand the dance.</p><p>No you are not. This does not help, this self-attack. All of this is a behavior. You have gotten caught up because you did not know what else to do. And this is subtle. You, like the rest of us, got caught up in something before you fully understood it. There was every reason to expect that a helping hand would work, that he would respond with good will and find responsibility and motivation. There was no reason to think otherwise. At first. Now, you know better. A helping hand does not help our kids. You know that now.</p><p></p><p>As your information grows, so will your repertoire of tools. You can do this. You are doing it!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 748850, member: 18958"] In the main he does not "blame" you. This is fundamentally a behavior that seems to work for him (short-term.)That is why our kids step it up when we begin to set limits. It worked before, they think, let me step it up. Their fury grows when it no longer "works" so good. This is what they call instrumental. Like a tool. I think of it as a lock and key. If you think of it that way, you can decide to not be the lock, on which his "key" works. It takes a little bit of trial and error, but you will find a way, to change the code. Like those new fangled deadbolts where you only change the code. Maybe that's a better metaphor. He will no longer have your "code" when you change. You know that his being on empty has not a thing to do with you. It is only that you have consented to be the lock to his key. To respond to his abuse, by forking up money. This has worked for him. Your job now is to change locks. You empower yourself by this, and potentially, you empower him, to find better solutions to his empty gas tank. If need be he will have to give up the car. That is what the rest of us have to do when we cannot afford something, we give it up. Or we find a way to pay. His getting a job has not a thing in the world to do with what you do, or do not do. If anything, as long as you support the status quo, this works against his working or doing any other thing to help himself. You sustain the status quo by giving into his punishment of you. You sustain it for you, and for him. The ONLY way we learn in life is to experience the consequences of our action or inaction. Right now the set up is that YOU experience the noxious consequences of his poor decisions and poor behavior. This is what has to change. It will. The reason we understand this, is because we do it too. Some of us have stopped. Many of us cannot yet stop, altogether. But more and more we understand the dance. No you are not. This does not help, this self-attack. All of this is a behavior. You have gotten caught up because you did not know what else to do. And this is subtle. You, like the rest of us, got caught up in something before you fully understood it. There was every reason to expect that a helping hand would work, that he would respond with good will and find responsibility and motivation. There was no reason to think otherwise. At first. Now, you know better. A helping hand does not help our kids. You know that now. As your information grows, so will your repertoire of tools. You can do this. You are doing it! [/QUOTE]
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