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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 192059" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You've shared pieces of this before, but reading it all together gives us some comprehensive insight into what you've had to deal with and just how far you've come. Thank you for trusting us enough.</p><p></p><p>You seem to be asking if "family therapy" = "you all, as a group, have caused these problems" as a blanket response from lazy therapists; and also if, since the suggestions that we get 'family therapy' make YOU feel like you're the one being blamed for your child's problems, that surely there are times the child also feels he's being blamed in a similar way.</p><p></p><p>OK, maybe I made that sound MORE complicated!</p><p></p><p>Part 1 - is "family therapy" = "blame the family"?</p><p>I don't think it's necessarily so. But again, I'm not coming from your background where you WERE made to feel responsible. You grew up with your mother dumping a load on EVERYONE around her, to make everyone else responsible for HER happiness. This included you. So whenever something is not quite right, you have to always fight the sense of being personally responsible for every little thing.</p><p>I'm not quite coming from the same area. husband - different reasons but yes, I think he tends to feel far more personally responsible in making sure everything goes smoothly.</p><p>So when WE had family therapy recommended, we went along with it and gave it a go. But then - for us at the time, the family included him, me, and four kids. Mostly though, it was just him and me attending, and it was to do with difficult child 3. The therapy sessions - we only had two or three from memory, with a clinic psychologist. Same clinic where difficult child 3 was getting speech therapy and some pediatric assessment. The therapy seemed aimed at exploring our relationship (husband & I) not just to see if there was any component to how we interacted that could have CAUSED difficult child 3's problems, but also to see if there was anything that could be CONTRIBUTING to an existing problem, and to also give us tools to help us MINIMISE the impact of difficult child 3's problems. When it became clear that whatever was wrong with difficult child 3 was not due to anything husband or I have done, then the focus of the family therapy changed towards helping us look after ourselves and our relationship with each other, while still having the energy to ensure that difficult child 3 was also getting the care and nurturing he needed.</p><p>All this was going on during difficult child 3's therapy sessions, with someone else in an other room. I remember our sessions - one at least was outside in the garden at the clinic, even though they had plenty of rooms. </p><p></p><p>Yes, I did feel that perhaps part of the focus was initially to see how much husband & I could be blamed and to rectify this component as fast as possible (if it existed) but I felt that we had to 'play willing' in order to get access to the services which I felt we really needed, for difficult child 3. So we gritted our teeth and went along with it.</p><p></p><p>Possibly part of your trouble here is first, you DO feel responsible even when you know you shouldn't, and as a result your back is already up; and there is the other aspect which always gets me cranky with it, which is the "fiddling while Rome burns" feeling ("we are wasting time on this rubbish instead of getting difficult child the help he needs NOW!").</p><p></p><p>The thing is, having endured the process and come through it with a clear bill of family health, when anyone suggests family therapy we can honestly say, "We tried it. We already know that stuff. We're taking care of it. It is not the problem. We need to move on to something a bit more direct, a bit more relevant."</p><p></p><p>Now, we DO tend to feel that sense of blame when family therapy is suggested, but that is because they're talking to US. When they're talking to difficult child, they should be focussing on why is this kid like this. From what they glean from the family therapy, they get a more detailed picture of how you interact with your child, what your relationship is like and if there is any way you could change how you interact which could help (even if you're not doing anything wrong - sometimes there is a good way, and also a better way). So in the sessions with difficult child, his therapy should be focussing on how HE feels, how HE copes, and how HE could find his own ways to function better. They should be far more careful to avoid blaming the child. So far less than you, he should not be so inclined to feel that therapy is blaming him.</p><p></p><p>That doesn't mean he won't still feel it at times. But they should be working to avoid it where possible.</p><p></p><p>In your case, when someone suggests family therapy, I would ask, "Who do you mean by 'family'? Because I have chosen, for sound legal and medical reasons, to shut off from my family, because they are toxic. I have made this decision on sound medical and psychiatric advice and I am not willing to go there or to involve them in any way, it would be asking for a great deal of trouble with no benefit."</p><p></p><p>If you are managing entirely on your own, then "family" = you and difficult child. But do you have anyone else in your personal support network? A close friend? Someone who also spends time with difficult child? Someone who might go along with you to such sessions? Because sometimes in those sessions, they may talk to you about a different way to interact with difficult child, for example, and all people involved should be on the same page. </p><p></p><p>Are you still getting personal therapy for yourself? Or are you currently in hiatus? Because it could make it easier to say, "I don't need family therapy, I am currently in therapy with ... and any issues concerning family relationships between me and difficult child are dealt with in those sessions."</p><p>If family therapy is a condition of difficult child getting some sort of help, then I would go along with it, as long as it doesn't require any participation from anyone you don't want to have involved. If they insist that you have to have your brother, your mother or your uncle involved, and STILL insist after you've explained what you told us here - then I would be flipping the finger and moving on. I would also be making a formal, written complaint about them.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry you feel you're being picked on because you're a single parent. I wish I could assure you that you're over-reacting - bit I'm afraid you probably are not. I think you're correct in your assumption that you're being treated like a 'dumb broad' for being a single mother.</p><p></p><p>And that is really wrong, for anyone to treat you like that.</p><p></p><p>If you are in therapy, could you ask your therapist who they recommend? Or perhaps give them permission to talk to difficult child's therapists, to at least get rid of the "dumb female' tag you feel you might have?</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 192059, member: 1991"] You've shared pieces of this before, but reading it all together gives us some comprehensive insight into what you've had to deal with and just how far you've come. Thank you for trusting us enough. You seem to be asking if "family therapy" = "you all, as a group, have caused these problems" as a blanket response from lazy therapists; and also if, since the suggestions that we get 'family therapy' make YOU feel like you're the one being blamed for your child's problems, that surely there are times the child also feels he's being blamed in a similar way. OK, maybe I made that sound MORE complicated! Part 1 - is "family therapy" = "blame the family"? I don't think it's necessarily so. But again, I'm not coming from your background where you WERE made to feel responsible. You grew up with your mother dumping a load on EVERYONE around her, to make everyone else responsible for HER happiness. This included you. So whenever something is not quite right, you have to always fight the sense of being personally responsible for every little thing. I'm not quite coming from the same area. husband - different reasons but yes, I think he tends to feel far more personally responsible in making sure everything goes smoothly. So when WE had family therapy recommended, we went along with it and gave it a go. But then - for us at the time, the family included him, me, and four kids. Mostly though, it was just him and me attending, and it was to do with difficult child 3. The therapy sessions - we only had two or three from memory, with a clinic psychologist. Same clinic where difficult child 3 was getting speech therapy and some pediatric assessment. The therapy seemed aimed at exploring our relationship (husband & I) not just to see if there was any component to how we interacted that could have CAUSED difficult child 3's problems, but also to see if there was anything that could be CONTRIBUTING to an existing problem, and to also give us tools to help us MINIMISE the impact of difficult child 3's problems. When it became clear that whatever was wrong with difficult child 3 was not due to anything husband or I have done, then the focus of the family therapy changed towards helping us look after ourselves and our relationship with each other, while still having the energy to ensure that difficult child 3 was also getting the care and nurturing he needed. All this was going on during difficult child 3's therapy sessions, with someone else in an other room. I remember our sessions - one at least was outside in the garden at the clinic, even though they had plenty of rooms. Yes, I did feel that perhaps part of the focus was initially to see how much husband & I could be blamed and to rectify this component as fast as possible (if it existed) but I felt that we had to 'play willing' in order to get access to the services which I felt we really needed, for difficult child 3. So we gritted our teeth and went along with it. Possibly part of your trouble here is first, you DO feel responsible even when you know you shouldn't, and as a result your back is already up; and there is the other aspect which always gets me cranky with it, which is the "fiddling while Rome burns" feeling ("we are wasting time on this rubbish instead of getting difficult child the help he needs NOW!"). The thing is, having endured the process and come through it with a clear bill of family health, when anyone suggests family therapy we can honestly say, "We tried it. We already know that stuff. We're taking care of it. It is not the problem. We need to move on to something a bit more direct, a bit more relevant." Now, we DO tend to feel that sense of blame when family therapy is suggested, but that is because they're talking to US. When they're talking to difficult child, they should be focussing on why is this kid like this. From what they glean from the family therapy, they get a more detailed picture of how you interact with your child, what your relationship is like and if there is any way you could change how you interact which could help (even if you're not doing anything wrong - sometimes there is a good way, and also a better way). So in the sessions with difficult child, his therapy should be focussing on how HE feels, how HE copes, and how HE could find his own ways to function better. They should be far more careful to avoid blaming the child. So far less than you, he should not be so inclined to feel that therapy is blaming him. That doesn't mean he won't still feel it at times. But they should be working to avoid it where possible. In your case, when someone suggests family therapy, I would ask, "Who do you mean by 'family'? Because I have chosen, for sound legal and medical reasons, to shut off from my family, because they are toxic. I have made this decision on sound medical and psychiatric advice and I am not willing to go there or to involve them in any way, it would be asking for a great deal of trouble with no benefit." If you are managing entirely on your own, then "family" = you and difficult child. But do you have anyone else in your personal support network? A close friend? Someone who also spends time with difficult child? Someone who might go along with you to such sessions? Because sometimes in those sessions, they may talk to you about a different way to interact with difficult child, for example, and all people involved should be on the same page. Are you still getting personal therapy for yourself? Or are you currently in hiatus? Because it could make it easier to say, "I don't need family therapy, I am currently in therapy with ... and any issues concerning family relationships between me and difficult child are dealt with in those sessions." If family therapy is a condition of difficult child getting some sort of help, then I would go along with it, as long as it doesn't require any participation from anyone you don't want to have involved. If they insist that you have to have your brother, your mother or your uncle involved, and STILL insist after you've explained what you told us here - then I would be flipping the finger and moving on. I would also be making a formal, written complaint about them. I am sorry you feel you're being picked on because you're a single parent. I wish I could assure you that you're over-reacting - bit I'm afraid you probably are not. I think you're correct in your assumption that you're being treated like a 'dumb broad' for being a single mother. And that is really wrong, for anyone to treat you like that. If you are in therapy, could you ask your therapist who they recommend? Or perhaps give them permission to talk to difficult child's therapists, to at least get rid of the "dumb female' tag you feel you might have? Marg [/QUOTE]
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