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Victimhood / Martyrdom vs Boundaries
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 637445" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Thanks, Echo.</p><p></p><p>:0)</p><p></p><p>2much2recover, noting unpleasant things as we respond can be very helpful. Though Echo is right, and this post had to do with a 39 year old difficult child who has a history of moving in and not moving out again until, out of desperation, we pay for deposits and cosigns and cars...you are correct, too. (And because I am feeling a little defensive, let me note that difficult child now has a girlfriend and two beautiful sons. We will not be living in that house again for six months...we would come home to our son and his family well and truly settled. It may be that the job would have materialized, but he doesn't have it yet and in fact, lives quite far away. </p><p></p><p>And the house was never for sale. We had no intention of selling it. Did not offer to let difficult child buy it. This is a sort of plausible way for difficult child to get in. If he did come up with the money to buy it?</p><p></p><p>We would be without a house that we cherish and, though we seem very old to difficult child I am sure, are not yet so old and doddering that we cannot take care of it or make it up the stairs.</p><p></p><p>difficult child son is looking for living quarters again because of a car accident while under the influence.</p><p></p><p>Drugs and booze.</p><p></p><p>Court date: November</p><p></p><p>Having said that though (said the martyr)...I too wonder whether there is some martyr-complex thing happening with me. I don't understand the dynamic beneath "vulnerable" in the way that I seem to leave myself open for.</p><p></p><p>It feels like being kicked in the head.</p><p></p><p>And I can't seem to make the response stop.</p><p></p><p>Hence, the title of the post.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Thank you for your honesty, Echo. That cannot have been easy...but I got it, and it helped me.</p><p></p><p>Thank you so much.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>But Echo is exactly right in describing both the suddenness and the unexpectedness of the attack, and in noting that she (and I do, too) respond with a lesser version of these same feelings to any unexpected, out of left field, no defense possible attack. </p><p>What Echo left out for sure for me and probably for her, too...is that we monitor our own behaviors, our own performances, setting and meeting a standard which sometimes leaves others looking for a vulnerability to take us down a notch or two.</p><p></p><p>And we don't forget it, and we try to be aware of the possible truth in it, because we don't understand people who are intentionally mean. We believe there must be some truth in the criticism, <em>or the person would not have said that</em>.</p><p></p><p>But that isn't always true.</p><p></p><p>Interestingly, Pema Chodron was on Super Soul Sunday today. Her take on this lesson is: "The need to be confirmed by something from outside."</p><p></p><p>The question had to do with the roles we take on as most important to our identities, and the sure challenge of everything we know and are through those choices of role. </p><p></p><p>Mother. </p><p></p><p>Wife.</p><p></p><p>Caretaker, perfectionist, employee, bad guy ~ whatever the role we most cherish, this is where we will learn.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Echo, I am so sorry about the ex's comments. They were nasty, destructive, and pointless. This is the vulnerability we live with as parents of difficult children. This will invariably be the vulnerability exploited by those looking for an exploitable vulnerability.</p><p></p><p>We have no defense, because we don't know how this happened, either. I did not parent by accident. I doubt that any of us here did, or we would not still be here, trying to figure out what went wrong so we could fix it.</p><p></p><p>Whether from an ex husband, an ex wife, or every member of our families of origin (Who, when even their wonderful selves could not turn the difficult child around, turn double vehemence on the hapless difficult child. And then, their own egos now on the line, whisper behind their hands about what really goes on behind closed doors in our seemingly perfect homes, where they spent so many holidays and had so many dinners and ad nauseum.) </p><p></p><p>I heard that one from my own mother so much it stopped bothering me.</p><p></p><p>So...she stopped saying it.</p><p></p><p>Interesting, no?</p><p></p><p>Lost my train of thought, there.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Anyway, this is the vulnerability we are working through here, those of us learning how to let what is be without judging or grieving or trying to change it.</p><p></p><p>Letting it be.</p><p></p><p>Simply a fact, that our lives came crashing down; simply a fact that we live with every day and every minute of the long night: our children are in danger. Or worse yet...our children are the dangerous ones. Simply a fact that these things have happened to us, these public guttings and public losses and public shames....</p><p></p><p>We are learning here to just let that be what it is.</p><p></p><p>Personal as it is to us, awesomely fearsome as it is to us to love the way we love our self and other-destructive children...we are learning, a little piece of flesh at a time, to let that be.</p><p></p><p>****</p><p></p><p>Having lost her chain of thought altogether by this time, Cedar signs off.</p><p></p><p>:0)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 637445, member: 17461"] Thanks, Echo. :0) 2much2recover, noting unpleasant things as we respond can be very helpful. Though Echo is right, and this post had to do with a 39 year old difficult child who has a history of moving in and not moving out again until, out of desperation, we pay for deposits and cosigns and cars...you are correct, too. (And because I am feeling a little defensive, let me note that difficult child now has a girlfriend and two beautiful sons. We will not be living in that house again for six months...we would come home to our son and his family well and truly settled. It may be that the job would have materialized, but he doesn't have it yet and in fact, lives quite far away. And the house was never for sale. We had no intention of selling it. Did not offer to let difficult child buy it. This is a sort of plausible way for difficult child to get in. If he did come up with the money to buy it? We would be without a house that we cherish and, though we seem very old to difficult child I am sure, are not yet so old and doddering that we cannot take care of it or make it up the stairs. difficult child son is looking for living quarters again because of a car accident while under the influence. Drugs and booze. Court date: November Having said that though (said the martyr)...I too wonder whether there is some martyr-complex thing happening with me. I don't understand the dynamic beneath "vulnerable" in the way that I seem to leave myself open for. It feels like being kicked in the head. And I can't seem to make the response stop. Hence, the title of the post. Thank you for your honesty, Echo. That cannot have been easy...but I got it, and it helped me. Thank you so much. *** But Echo is exactly right in describing both the suddenness and the unexpectedness of the attack, and in noting that she (and I do, too) respond with a lesser version of these same feelings to any unexpected, out of left field, no defense possible attack. What Echo left out for sure for me and probably for her, too...is that we monitor our own behaviors, our own performances, setting and meeting a standard which sometimes leaves others looking for a vulnerability to take us down a notch or two. And we don't forget it, and we try to be aware of the possible truth in it, because we don't understand people who are intentionally mean. We believe there must be some truth in the criticism, [I]or the person would not have said that[/I]. But that isn't always true. Interestingly, Pema Chodron was on Super Soul Sunday today. Her take on this lesson is: "The need to be confirmed by something from outside." The question had to do with the roles we take on as most important to our identities, and the sure challenge of everything we know and are through those choices of role. Mother. Wife. Caretaker, perfectionist, employee, bad guy ~ whatever the role we most cherish, this is where we will learn. *** Echo, I am so sorry about the ex's comments. They were nasty, destructive, and pointless. This is the vulnerability we live with as parents of difficult children. This will invariably be the vulnerability exploited by those looking for an exploitable vulnerability. We have no defense, because we don't know how this happened, either. I did not parent by accident. I doubt that any of us here did, or we would not still be here, trying to figure out what went wrong so we could fix it. Whether from an ex husband, an ex wife, or every member of our families of origin (Who, when even their wonderful selves could not turn the difficult child around, turn double vehemence on the hapless difficult child. And then, their own egos now on the line, whisper behind their hands about what really goes on behind closed doors in our seemingly perfect homes, where they spent so many holidays and had so many dinners and ad nauseum.) I heard that one from my own mother so much it stopped bothering me. So...she stopped saying it. Interesting, no? Lost my train of thought, there. *** Anyway, this is the vulnerability we are working through here, those of us learning how to let what is be without judging or grieving or trying to change it. Letting it be. Simply a fact, that our lives came crashing down; simply a fact that we live with every day and every minute of the long night: our children are in danger. Or worse yet...our children are the dangerous ones. Simply a fact that these things have happened to us, these public guttings and public losses and public shames.... We are learning here to just let that be what it is. Personal as it is to us, awesomely fearsome as it is to us to love the way we love our self and other-destructive children...we are learning, a little piece of flesh at a time, to let that be. **** Having lost her chain of thought altogether by this time, Cedar signs off. :0) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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