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Videotaping difficult child behaviors
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<blockquote data-quote="buddy" data-source="post: 542483" data-attributes="member: 12886"><p style="text-align: left"></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: #000000">I can totally relate to this. It is a hard thing to get across to people who only know my son now and what he says and does. But I can look at what he is saying/doing (which looks at times like a teen bully or "thug") and it is the same thing he did at age 2...sometimes even the same words! (i'm gonna push you down the stairs at age 4 is handled differently at age 15 but for him it is really the same response he has always said). It becomes more difficult to work with due to size and age but it is the same issue.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: #000000">That said, for some of my son's issues it is not that he was not taught the appropriate skills, or that he was neglected in terms of trying all I or any teachers/caregivers could do....it is not a criticism of me (or of you in this case) if our children have behavior challenges that are related to "lagging skills".... Some kids just learn differently, are differently wired etc. and need alternative therapies and teaching methods to help learn things that come much more easily to other kids. So, looking at lagging skills is beneficial just because it does not look at the surface behavior, for example, among many skills he needs to learn, my son needs to learn to handle frustration. His frustration tolerance is very very low. So, helping to identify ways to deal with that is important. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: #000000">The concept is talked about a lot in the Ross Greene materials....but it has limits. For many of us our kids are so complex and have so many issues and just saying to work on the individual skills is easy to say, not easy to really find methods to do. Compromise with a child who has severe neurological deficits is not easy. And these skills are for many of us, not the only cause of behavior problems. The sensory integration issues and cognitive limitations/differences also play a huge part. There are also for some of our kids neurological complications that cause behaviors. Analyzing the lagging skills and learning to not rely on consequence behavior plans is a great tool but not the only tool for many of us.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: #000000">In your case....and also touching on the attachment piece (not saying that is an issue for you at all, just thinking out loud), it sounds from your posts like your baby had a rough early time (the crying and your needing to comfort intensively). There are people (not as often written about but mentioned here and there) who develop trust issues/personality issues because for whatever reason they were uncomfortable and even if it was clear why (like a preemie who had to go thru many procedures and could not yet be held) or often for those who it was hard to tell why (fussy or colicky babies) their brains just couldn't calm and we dont know why even with the most loving care. It is simply a piece to be aware of because there is nothing that could have or can be done now about what happened back then. For most people that just happens and they have no issues, but maybe if there is a predisposition due to being a "differently wired" child or a sensitive child or a genetic predisposition to something or??? (again just throwing out random ideas, not specific to you) it could be a piece of the puzzle. Once our children have issues that make it hard to connect (like I would rock my son and he would suddenly bite me or pull my hair, just when I thought we were having a nice bonding moment, uggg) it takes planned thought and purposeful choices that are sometimes not what a typical parent would/could do. Instead of putting my son in a time out for that, I held him more. he had to be around me more, to learn that I wont leave him and he can rely on me to try to help even if it does not relieve all of his discomfort. (that was when he was little, it looks different now). It may be totally different and not apply to you, I am just sharing a different take on how attachment can be impacted but it doesn't mean that the child is unattached or you are unattached in any way, just that there may be a piece that is affected in there somewhere. No one's fault, just how the story plays out for some of us and something to look at. It may not apply to your case at all, it did for my son, he had a long history of pain due to a brain mass which was not relieved for a long time. (He also had the more classic issue of going to foster care and having his birth parents' rights terminated too so for him it was a good guess to look at attachment as one piece of the puzzle).</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: #000000"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: #000000">Forgive me if you already talked about this, but has he ever had a sensory integration evaluation? I was just thinking that if he had those issues as baby, it could be that he was uncomfortable in ways that would not be typical for a doctor to treat. If he felt pain or itching or any discomfort in a more extreme way than is typical or needed intensive help to integrate and calm his neurological system, that could be still going on but look differently now. Just another thought.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: #000000"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left">Anyway, I stand by my statement that you should do what you need to do to get people to understand your challenges and to get help. It is not easy for sure!</p> <p style="text-align: left"></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="buddy, post: 542483, member: 12886"] [LEFT] [COLOR=#000000]I can totally relate to this. It is a hard thing to get across to people who only know my son now and what he says and does. But I can look at what he is saying/doing (which looks at times like a teen bully or "thug") and it is the same thing he did at age 2...sometimes even the same words! (i'm gonna push you down the stairs at age 4 is handled differently at age 15 but for him it is really the same response he has always said). It becomes more difficult to work with due to size and age but it is the same issue.[/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000]That said, for some of my son's issues it is not that he was not taught the appropriate skills, or that he was neglected in terms of trying all I or any teachers/caregivers could do....it is not a criticism of me (or of you in this case) if our children have behavior challenges that are related to "lagging skills".... Some kids just learn differently, are differently wired etc. and need alternative therapies and teaching methods to help learn things that come much more easily to other kids. So, looking at lagging skills is beneficial just because it does not look at the surface behavior, for example, among many skills he needs to learn, my son needs to learn to handle frustration. His frustration tolerance is very very low. So, helping to identify ways to deal with that is important. [/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000]The concept is talked about a lot in the Ross Greene materials....but it has limits. For many of us our kids are so complex and have so many issues and just saying to work on the individual skills is easy to say, not easy to really find methods to do. Compromise with a child who has severe neurological deficits is not easy. And these skills are for many of us, not the only cause of behavior problems. The sensory integration issues and cognitive limitations/differences also play a huge part. There are also for some of our kids neurological complications that cause behaviors. Analyzing the lagging skills and learning to not rely on consequence behavior plans is a great tool but not the only tool for many of us.[/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000]In your case....and also touching on the attachment piece (not saying that is an issue for you at all, just thinking out loud), it sounds from your posts like your baby had a rough early time (the crying and your needing to comfort intensively). There are people (not as often written about but mentioned here and there) who develop trust issues/personality issues because for whatever reason they were uncomfortable and even if it was clear why (like a preemie who had to go thru many procedures and could not yet be held) or often for those who it was hard to tell why (fussy or colicky babies) their brains just couldn't calm and we dont know why even with the most loving care. It is simply a piece to be aware of because there is nothing that could have or can be done now about what happened back then. For most people that just happens and they have no issues, but maybe if there is a predisposition due to being a "differently wired" child or a sensitive child or a genetic predisposition to something or??? (again just throwing out random ideas, not specific to you) it could be a piece of the puzzle. Once our children have issues that make it hard to connect (like I would rock my son and he would suddenly bite me or pull my hair, just when I thought we were having a nice bonding moment, uggg) it takes planned thought and purposeful choices that are sometimes not what a typical parent would/could do. Instead of putting my son in a time out for that, I held him more. he had to be around me more, to learn that I wont leave him and he can rely on me to try to help even if it does not relieve all of his discomfort. (that was when he was little, it looks different now). It may be totally different and not apply to you, I am just sharing a different take on how attachment can be impacted but it doesn't mean that the child is unattached or you are unattached in any way, just that there may be a piece that is affected in there somewhere. No one's fault, just how the story plays out for some of us and something to look at. It may not apply to your case at all, it did for my son, he had a long history of pain due to a brain mass which was not relieved for a long time. (He also had the more classic issue of going to foster care and having his birth parents' rights terminated too so for him it was a good guess to look at attachment as one piece of the puzzle). Forgive me if you already talked about this, but has he ever had a sensory integration evaluation? I was just thinking that if he had those issues as baby, it could be that he was uncomfortable in ways that would not be typical for a doctor to treat. If he felt pain or itching or any discomfort in a more extreme way than is typical or needed intensive help to integrate and calm his neurological system, that could be still going on but look differently now. Just another thought. [/COLOR] Anyway, I stand by my statement that you should do what you need to do to get people to understand your challenges and to get help. It is not easy for sure! [/LEFT] [/QUOTE]
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