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Walking down Memory Lane
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 669555" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Here on the site New Leaf, we once called our Difficult Children G F G (Gifts from God.) I was thinking about that term yesterday, about the kindness and humor and humanness in it. In the term Gifts from God, I mean.</p><p></p><p>We have had to begin new traditions in our family, too.</p><p></p><p>Not to cry all over the place here, but it isn't the same for us, either.</p><p></p><p>I read and reread those lines, where you described your time with three of your children and a grand. "Helpful, respectful, appreciative, polite." As I thought about it, I realized that for us, just a phone call without a hang up ~ just a phone call, at all ~ is seen as a triumph of relationship. A visit without explosive leave taking or weird people who later betray us to the heart ~ man, have my standards gone shrieking downhill. And I have been so focused on the joy in whatever it was I did have that I left part of myself out in the cold ~ the part that knows better; the part that wants more.</p><p></p><p>I didn't know what to do with her.</p><p></p><p>I still don't. But now I know she is there, on the outside; looking in, savoring the light and warmth that should have been. That is what I keep trying to recreate.</p><p></p><p>So I can be whole, again.</p><p></p><p>There have been so many losses; so many things lost ~ real, physical things too, have been lost.</p><p></p><p>Would you have been able to appreciate this time with your three children, New Leaf, if you had not known the feeling of interaction with your own Gifts From God kids?</p><p></p><p>I have not allowed myself to know these things.</p><p></p><p>"They are so pleasant to be with, we laughed and joked together, they are helpful, appreciative, respectful, and polite."</p><p></p><p>It seems to be a piece of healing for me, to have read these things, now.</p><p></p><p>It isn't that I love my children any less, not at all. It seems to be that I can step away from the hurt of it, or the blame or shame of it in a way I did not know I was hanging on to.</p><p></p><p>I had sealed that part of me off, somehow.</p><p></p><p>An unacknowledged, numbed out facet of self.</p><p></p><p>It is good to reclaim her.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for sharing that with us.</p><p></p><p>We can see ourselves differently when we are away from the day to day of it. I am pleased this is so for you, and now, it seems, through your words, for me, too.</p><p></p><p>It's a strange thing; a little sadness. A taste of gratitude; a reclamation of self, in the realization of just how impossibly difficult this all has been. We can so easily forget that we are living challenging situations. It just all gets to seem so normal.</p><p></p><p>How sad, and how very strong we are, in the face of what is.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>What are your new traditions going to be, New Leaf?</p><p></p><p>Last year, I learned to make baklava. For one of my granddaughters. The story is so funny and sweet that this year, I plan to make it again, and to make it every year from now on, and send it for her.</p><p></p><p>But there is so much hurt in everything I remember about how we came to today. Something in your post keyed into that for me.</p><p></p><p>I knew I was sad, but it was kept under glass.</p><p></p><p>Now, that flesh too is warm and live.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 669555, member: 17461"] Here on the site New Leaf, we once called our Difficult Children G F G (Gifts from God.) I was thinking about that term yesterday, about the kindness and humor and humanness in it. In the term Gifts from God, I mean. We have had to begin new traditions in our family, too. Not to cry all over the place here, but it isn't the same for us, either. I read and reread those lines, where you described your time with three of your children and a grand. "Helpful, respectful, appreciative, polite." As I thought about it, I realized that for us, just a phone call without a hang up ~ just a phone call, at all ~ is seen as a triumph of relationship. A visit without explosive leave taking or weird people who later betray us to the heart ~ man, have my standards gone shrieking downhill. And I have been so focused on the joy in whatever it was I did have that I left part of myself out in the cold ~ the part that knows better; the part that wants more. I didn't know what to do with her. I still don't. But now I know she is there, on the outside; looking in, savoring the light and warmth that should have been. That is what I keep trying to recreate. So I can be whole, again. There have been so many losses; so many things lost ~ real, physical things too, have been lost. Would you have been able to appreciate this time with your three children, New Leaf, if you had not known the feeling of interaction with your own Gifts From God kids? I have not allowed myself to know these things. "They are so pleasant to be with, we laughed and joked together, they are helpful, appreciative, respectful, and polite." It seems to be a piece of healing for me, to have read these things, now. It isn't that I love my children any less, not at all. It seems to be that I can step away from the hurt of it, or the blame or shame of it in a way I did not know I was hanging on to. I had sealed that part of me off, somehow. An unacknowledged, numbed out facet of self. It is good to reclaim her. Thank you for sharing that with us. We can see ourselves differently when we are away from the day to day of it. I am pleased this is so for you, and now, it seems, through your words, for me, too. It's a strange thing; a little sadness. A taste of gratitude; a reclamation of self, in the realization of just how impossibly difficult this all has been. We can so easily forget that we are living challenging situations. It just all gets to seem so normal. How sad, and how very strong we are, in the face of what is. Thank you. Cedar What are your new traditions going to be, New Leaf? Last year, I learned to make baklava. For one of my granddaughters. The story is so funny and sweet that this year, I plan to make it again, and to make it every year from now on, and send it for her. But there is so much hurt in everything I remember about how we came to today. Something in your post keyed into that for me. I knew I was sad, but it was kept under glass. Now, that flesh too is warm and live. [/QUOTE]
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