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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 669593" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Good Morning All,</p><p>I am in the time zone daze, waking up too early, unable to go back to sleep. There shall be pay back this afternoon for sure. It is okay, I like the quietness of the house, time to reflect before I go to work today. How pleasant it is to come here and see your encouraging posts. Yes, Cedar it is a good terminology. For some reason, we have been blessed with these special children. Find the meaning of it, that is what Frankl would say. For me, it means that I have to toughen myself up, to open my eyes wide to see what is. I have two adult children who I love very much, but for now, with the decisions they are making, have chosen to go a different path that makes it impossible to have a relationship with them. Difficult, yet simple. I cannot live their lives for them. They have proven to be a danger to themselves, and a danger to the peace in our home. I will continue to pray for them, to pray that in the darkness they will find their way. The Hawaiians are celebrated navigators, they were so intimate and in tune with their environment, reading the signs all around them that we would miss, due to the distractions of our modern daily lives.I am hoping that my two girls will see the signs and study the stars they need to help navigate them through their storm.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I think that I got so caught up, so immersed in the whirlpool of it all. I could not see that I was <em>drowning.</em> Mother instinct. We deny ourselves liberties when they are babes, to nurture them. When they were sick, we did everything humanly possible to get them well again.</p><p>Fast forward to the present, our adult children are sick, mental illness, addiction, our mother instinct still in play, somehow, we are convinced by letting go, we fail them, we have failed as mothers. I think that was the part that kept me in the whirlpool, because my G-F-G's fed off of my remorse, regrets, guilt and used that negativity to hold me there. I can still love them from afar, I am now swimming against the current, out of the whirlpool, by <em>loving myself </em>enough to keep myself from drowning, I am demonstrating to them that they should love themselves, too.</p><p></p><p> On the outside, looking in. I have witnessed that my G-F-G's despise normalcy. I believe now, that they are truly craving it, but caught up in addiction, cannot attain it. Why should I be caught up in that insidiousness? Do we feel, with mother instinct, if my child is suffering, so shall I? My G-F-G's have chosen a path of degradation, shall I follow after them? Should I not have joy, because my G-F-G's choose to suffer?</p><p>No, I shall become whole, and joyful. My G-F-G's may be on the outside looking in, that is their choice. I will light a candle in the window for them, and show them<em> through my overcoming the losses of their choice, </em>that <em>they can overcome them</em>, too, and make better choices.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This is the great question Cedar, I used to ask my Dad why people suffer so, his answer was that life was full of good and bad, without the bad, we would not appreciate the good. I don't know if I accept this as of yet. Do we need these challenges, times of desperation, to be able to take in the joy, to relish in the good times?</p><p>I think of it more as a great test of our own strengths and weaknesses. How shall we come out of the fire of loss, how shall we survive? What is the lesson in it, how shall we grow and use the misery of it all, to better ourselves, to strengthen our character, to carry on and live our lives as best we can. Acceptance of what is, acceptance that we have no control of what is to come, we can only control our reactions and response to the tragedy, and try with all of our might to live purposeful lives.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I have healed much from sharing here, and also reading others stories. I, too, sealed off part of my <em><strong>self,</strong></em> to be able to live the day to day, and to function. What I realize now, that I did not then, is the sealing off was directed towards the wrong person-me. Instead of loving detachment from my G-F-G's, I detached from myself. Over and over, I read and have written- "You are worthy of living a peaceful life, you have value....." Affirmations, positive thought training. In the tragedy of all these posts from others walking similar paths with their G-F-G's, one lesson stands out, the lesson of choice. As our G-F-G's set their paths, we have a choice to remain as is, or to step away and live our own lives. The love for all of our children is constant as the sunshine, but we must learn to love ourselves, too. We are the captains of our own ships, as they are of theirs. We do not need to go "down with their ship".</p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes Cedar, tis sad, and we are all very strong. If it was our choice, things would be different. I have not lost hope for my G-F-G's, for there is always hope. It is what it is. I do not think I would have come this far, so quickly if it were not for the things I have experienced here, through this site. Site, sight, hindsight, foresight. How tragically beautiful life is my dear friends. And we are STRONG.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I think I shall start with one all encompassing tradition, to spend more meaningful time with my loved ones who have been waiting in the wings for me to come off the drama stage.</p><p>Thank you for sharing your baklava making. I remember making it once with a friend. It is actually pretty symbolic of life Cedar, the fragility of the pastry, layered with sweet honey.</p><p></p><p>I have wanted to try different, healthful recipes, no boxed mixes with their long list of unknown hard to pronounce ingredients. Back to simplicity. Maybe that is the key here as well, to create a more<em> simple</em> life.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>There is so much hurt in "the how" of we all came here. It is not the end, but a new beginning for all of us, as we interact, share and examine the layers of it all. I need to move from the "how" and the "why" to the "what". What am I to do with my life?</p><p>Today, this day in my time zone haze, I am determined to move forward in reclaiming my self, my life. That comes complete with all of the memories, the triumphs, the mistakes, the should haves, would haves, could haves. Acceptance of what was, is and what will be.</p><p></p><p>Our flesh is warm and live, seize the day!</p><p></p><p>ROAR!</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 669593, member: 19522"] Good Morning All, I am in the time zone daze, waking up too early, unable to go back to sleep. There shall be pay back this afternoon for sure. It is okay, I like the quietness of the house, time to reflect before I go to work today. How pleasant it is to come here and see your encouraging posts. Yes, Cedar it is a good terminology. For some reason, we have been blessed with these special children. Find the meaning of it, that is what Frankl would say. For me, it means that I have to toughen myself up, to open my eyes wide to see what is. I have two adult children who I love very much, but for now, with the decisions they are making, have chosen to go a different path that makes it impossible to have a relationship with them. Difficult, yet simple. I cannot live their lives for them. They have proven to be a danger to themselves, and a danger to the peace in our home. I will continue to pray for them, to pray that in the darkness they will find their way. The Hawaiians are celebrated navigators, they were so intimate and in tune with their environment, reading the signs all around them that we would miss, due to the distractions of our modern daily lives.I am hoping that my two girls will see the signs and study the stars they need to help navigate them through their storm. I think that I got so caught up, so immersed in the whirlpool of it all. I could not see that I was [I]drowning.[/I] Mother instinct. We deny ourselves liberties when they are babes, to nurture them. When they were sick, we did everything humanly possible to get them well again. Fast forward to the present, our adult children are sick, mental illness, addiction, our mother instinct still in play, somehow, we are convinced by letting go, we fail them, we have failed as mothers. I think that was the part that kept me in the whirlpool, because my G-F-G's fed off of my remorse, regrets, guilt and used that negativity to hold me there. I can still love them from afar, I am now swimming against the current, out of the whirlpool, by [I]loving myself [/I]enough to keep myself from drowning, I am demonstrating to them that they should love themselves, too. On the outside, looking in. I have witnessed that my G-F-G's despise normalcy. I believe now, that they are truly craving it, but caught up in addiction, cannot attain it. Why should I be caught up in that insidiousness? Do we feel, with mother instinct, if my child is suffering, so shall I? My G-F-G's have chosen a path of degradation, shall I follow after them? Should I not have joy, because my G-F-G's choose to suffer? No, I shall become whole, and joyful. My G-F-G's may be on the outside looking in, that is their choice. I will light a candle in the window for them, and show them[I] through my overcoming the losses of their choice, [/I]that [I]they can overcome them[/I], too, and make better choices. This is the great question Cedar, I used to ask my Dad why people suffer so, his answer was that life was full of good and bad, without the bad, we would not appreciate the good. I don't know if I accept this as of yet. Do we need these challenges, times of desperation, to be able to take in the joy, to relish in the good times? I think of it more as a great test of our own strengths and weaknesses. How shall we come out of the fire of loss, how shall we survive? What is the lesson in it, how shall we grow and use the misery of it all, to better ourselves, to strengthen our character, to carry on and live our lives as best we can. Acceptance of what is, acceptance that we have no control of what is to come, we can only control our reactions and response to the tragedy, and try with all of our might to live purposeful lives. I have healed much from sharing here, and also reading others stories. I, too, sealed off part of my [I][B]self,[/B][/I] to be able to live the day to day, and to function. What I realize now, that I did not then, is the sealing off was directed towards the wrong person-me. Instead of loving detachment from my G-F-G's, I detached from myself. Over and over, I read and have written- "You are worthy of living a peaceful life, you have value....." Affirmations, positive thought training. In the tragedy of all these posts from others walking similar paths with their G-F-G's, one lesson stands out, the lesson of choice. As our G-F-G's set their paths, we have a choice to remain as is, or to step away and live our own lives. The love for all of our children is constant as the sunshine, but we must learn to love ourselves, too. We are the captains of our own ships, as they are of theirs. We do not need to go "down with their ship". Yes Cedar, tis sad, and we are all very strong. If it was our choice, things would be different. I have not lost hope for my G-F-G's, for there is always hope. It is what it is. I do not think I would have come this far, so quickly if it were not for the things I have experienced here, through this site. Site, sight, hindsight, foresight. How tragically beautiful life is my dear friends. And we are STRONG. I think I shall start with one all encompassing tradition, to spend more meaningful time with my loved ones who have been waiting in the wings for me to come off the drama stage. Thank you for sharing your baklava making. I remember making it once with a friend. It is actually pretty symbolic of life Cedar, the fragility of the pastry, layered with sweet honey. I have wanted to try different, healthful recipes, no boxed mixes with their long list of unknown hard to pronounce ingredients. Back to simplicity. Maybe that is the key here as well, to create a more[I] simple[/I] life. There is so much hurt in "the how" of we all came here. It is not the end, but a new beginning for all of us, as we interact, share and examine the layers of it all. I need to move from the "how" and the "why" to the "what". What am I to do with my life? Today, this day in my time zone haze, I am determined to move forward in reclaiming my self, my life. That comes complete with all of the memories, the triumphs, the mistakes, the should haves, would haves, could haves. Acceptance of what was, is and what will be. Our flesh is warm and live, seize the day! ROAR! Leafy [/QUOTE]
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