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Want advice...having problems with the word NO
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 154544" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Janet, </p><p></p><p>I am so sorry for you. Really. I used to be just like you are. I'm not worth diddly, I can't say no, I'm a fixer. I was nurtured as a child - it was the subconscious adoption thing that messed with me. You feel as if you start life being thrown away or found in a dumpster - and that is your worth. Whether you admit it or not, your brain is telling you things subconsciously that are not true. </p><p></p><p>You ARE caring - to a fault. In fault I mean there isn't anything you won't do to help/fix/carry/do/go/see/be/bathe/wash/fight/give/have/loose/love your family. Sometimes I wonder if we don't feel guilt about our boys and think - well I can fix this - I'll just love them better. It never works. But then you sit and think - "MY GOD if it's THIS bad WITH my help and I'm doing all this stuff what in the WORLD would this situation be like WITHOUT my help?" and then we start to go through the stages of grief - and barter, deal, cry - etc. I think that's a load of your health issues - IMVVVVVHO - you are so willing to die a small death every day through grieving to get what little happiness you do get - you feel justified in telling EVERYONE around you - OH I can do that for you, I'll take you here, there, I'll buy this, I'll pay for that and in the mean time there is Janet and Tony who have grown worlds apart due to I would guess just giving up and giving in. </p><p></p><p>You and I and the rest of the free world KNOW taking Cory to work is NOT going to hurt anything. IF YOU DID IT ONCE IN A WHILE when you COULD. </p><p>You also know taking the others to work, school, etc and picking them up - is only prolonging the inevitable. - SOMEONE BESIDES MOM NEEDS TO EITHER FIND A RIDE OR PAY YOU to DO IT. And gas in the tank is NOT a "pay". </p><p></p><p>I watched my xmil go through the same thing as you. At first I thought that she was the MOST UBER devoted Southern Momma in the world. She would give them anything - (then cry and whine later to everyone about how she was taken advantage of) and I would think - THEN JUST STOP DOING IT. It wasn't that simple as it had become habit to her. Unlike YOU she never knew when to ask how to say NO. She wasn't a good Southern Mom - she wasn't even a good mother in law - she was a miserable self-medicating BiPolar (BP) woman, who did crazy stunts and kept her boys hanging from her teet until the day she died. I remember telling her - EVENTUALLY everyone is weaned - when's HIS turn? And pointed to my x - in a heap, after being gone drugging for 3 weeks - not concerned that I had no car, no diapers, no baby seat, no formula for OUR son - and she was handing him MONEY to go get more drugs to come down on. ARGH!!! She just kept right on going and going and whining and crying and making herself VERY VERY sick and I told her "One day - these "boys" are going to be the death of you." and I was right - One of them ran her over with her OWN van because they wanted at 51 years of age, and at 3:00 IN THE MORNING, living in HER house with a girlfriend - to take them BACK 5 miles down the road to a bar so they could get MORE high and MORE trashed. - She stood behind her car when they tried to take it without her permission - and eventually her son ran over her. THe rest of the families philosophy? No sense in telling the police their brother ran her over - she's dead. And on about their lives they went. No one ever went to jail for her death. It's a family secret. </p><p></p><p>And I'm not saying anyone is going to run you over with a van - but they are SURE doing a fine job of making you feel like you OWE them a dang thing. Girl - I'd kick off my flip flops, have a come to Jesus meeting in the living room - and I'd tell everyone EXACTLY how it's going to be. Tony too - Yeah he can be mad, but YOU ARE SICK and Cory is HIS KID too. </p><p></p><p>It's never too late to take back your house or your sanity. Know this - WHEN I did things regarding Dude that I thought were uncaring and unloving and made me think I was the WORST Mom ever - I actually helped him grow up. When I STOPPED WONDERING what things WOULD be like without my help and just let go? I no longer have that stress - of course I worry, OF COURSE I love him....but ask yourself this. AT what age do I make my sons and their S/O's responsible for THEIR LIVES - in a way you are enabling them to stay there, and NEVER get out - by agreeing and not being able to say no - you're doing more harm than good. Really. Really! </p><p></p><p>You know I love you with all my heart. You've been there for me with great advice a long time. And I love your kids too. BUT - YOU are my friend, and YOU are the one that ultimately has to say IT STOPS NOW - and you don't have to yell or cry, or fuss - JUST make a statement, stick to it - and give everyone a deadline - </p><p></p><p>Even a goal like that - can relieve so much stress in you - and then maybe you COULD make it up the stairs without any one laughing. WHich by the way - if anyone ever laughed at you in my presence? They'd be handed their teeth to put on a string for a necklace. </p><p></p><p>Hugs - Big ones - </p><p>I hope i have not hurt your feelings - that was not my intention. I would just LOVE to see you have free time to yourself, to enjoy the things that you love - grandchildren, advocating for kids, writing....you deserve it Janet.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 154544, member: 4964"] Janet, I am so sorry for you. Really. I used to be just like you are. I'm not worth diddly, I can't say no, I'm a fixer. I was nurtured as a child - it was the subconscious adoption thing that messed with me. You feel as if you start life being thrown away or found in a dumpster - and that is your worth. Whether you admit it or not, your brain is telling you things subconsciously that are not true. You ARE caring - to a fault. In fault I mean there isn't anything you won't do to help/fix/carry/do/go/see/be/bathe/wash/fight/give/have/loose/love your family. Sometimes I wonder if we don't feel guilt about our boys and think - well I can fix this - I'll just love them better. It never works. But then you sit and think - "MY GOD if it's THIS bad WITH my help and I'm doing all this stuff what in the WORLD would this situation be like WITHOUT my help?" and then we start to go through the stages of grief - and barter, deal, cry - etc. I think that's a load of your health issues - IMVVVVVHO - you are so willing to die a small death every day through grieving to get what little happiness you do get - you feel justified in telling EVERYONE around you - OH I can do that for you, I'll take you here, there, I'll buy this, I'll pay for that and in the mean time there is Janet and Tony who have grown worlds apart due to I would guess just giving up and giving in. You and I and the rest of the free world KNOW taking Cory to work is NOT going to hurt anything. IF YOU DID IT ONCE IN A WHILE when you COULD. You also know taking the others to work, school, etc and picking them up - is only prolonging the inevitable. - SOMEONE BESIDES MOM NEEDS TO EITHER FIND A RIDE OR PAY YOU to DO IT. And gas in the tank is NOT a "pay". I watched my xmil go through the same thing as you. At first I thought that she was the MOST UBER devoted Southern Momma in the world. She would give them anything - (then cry and whine later to everyone about how she was taken advantage of) and I would think - THEN JUST STOP DOING IT. It wasn't that simple as it had become habit to her. Unlike YOU she never knew when to ask how to say NO. She wasn't a good Southern Mom - she wasn't even a good mother in law - she was a miserable self-medicating BiPolar (BP) woman, who did crazy stunts and kept her boys hanging from her teet until the day she died. I remember telling her - EVENTUALLY everyone is weaned - when's HIS turn? And pointed to my x - in a heap, after being gone drugging for 3 weeks - not concerned that I had no car, no diapers, no baby seat, no formula for OUR son - and she was handing him MONEY to go get more drugs to come down on. ARGH!!! She just kept right on going and going and whining and crying and making herself VERY VERY sick and I told her "One day - these "boys" are going to be the death of you." and I was right - One of them ran her over with her OWN van because they wanted at 51 years of age, and at 3:00 IN THE MORNING, living in HER house with a girlfriend - to take them BACK 5 miles down the road to a bar so they could get MORE high and MORE trashed. - She stood behind her car when they tried to take it without her permission - and eventually her son ran over her. THe rest of the families philosophy? No sense in telling the police their brother ran her over - she's dead. And on about their lives they went. No one ever went to jail for her death. It's a family secret. And I'm not saying anyone is going to run you over with a van - but they are SURE doing a fine job of making you feel like you OWE them a dang thing. Girl - I'd kick off my flip flops, have a come to Jesus meeting in the living room - and I'd tell everyone EXACTLY how it's going to be. Tony too - Yeah he can be mad, but YOU ARE SICK and Cory is HIS KID too. It's never too late to take back your house or your sanity. Know this - WHEN I did things regarding Dude that I thought were uncaring and unloving and made me think I was the WORST Mom ever - I actually helped him grow up. When I STOPPED WONDERING what things WOULD be like without my help and just let go? I no longer have that stress - of course I worry, OF COURSE I love him....but ask yourself this. AT what age do I make my sons and their S/O's responsible for THEIR LIVES - in a way you are enabling them to stay there, and NEVER get out - by agreeing and not being able to say no - you're doing more harm than good. Really. Really! You know I love you with all my heart. You've been there for me with great advice a long time. And I love your kids too. BUT - YOU are my friend, and YOU are the one that ultimately has to say IT STOPS NOW - and you don't have to yell or cry, or fuss - JUST make a statement, stick to it - and give everyone a deadline - Even a goal like that - can relieve so much stress in you - and then maybe you COULD make it up the stairs without any one laughing. WHich by the way - if anyone ever laughed at you in my presence? They'd be handed their teeth to put on a string for a necklace. Hugs - Big ones - I hope i have not hurt your feelings - that was not my intention. I would just LOVE to see you have free time to yourself, to enjoy the things that you love - grandchildren, advocating for kids, writing....you deserve it Janet. [/QUOTE]
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