Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Want to handle this right ~
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 225877" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>Judy</p><p> </p><p>It's difficult to find balance in this sort of thing. The 4000.00 you told her you gave as a gift. You need to let that go, as a gift, and forget it. </p><p> </p><p>This may come out sounding a bit weird. So bare with me. lol </p><p> </p><p>You have to sit down and decide how you want your kids to treat you. Then think of ways to facillitate that treatment. </p><p> </p><p>Since your daughter tends to only appear when material things are needed / expected, I'd keep material gifts down to a minimum. I personally wouldn't be offering help. (that's just me) Because someone who only cares enough to show up when it benefits them....well, let's just say I don't do it. Not unless it's truely a matter of critical importance. And only then, if it doesn't hurt me to offer that help and if I can handle the fact that the "debt" will go un-repaid.</p><p> </p><p>Gifts are gifts. I'm a person who gives gifts because it makes me feel good to make someone else happy. I don't give a hoot if I ever get a gift in return. So when a birthday rolls around, or holiday to give a gift....I give as I'd normally do and don't worry about it.</p><p> </p><p>Now I'm going to admit upfront I am not the most trusting person in the world. We were estranged from step daughter K for 5 or more years before mending those fences this past summer. The Moms here can tell you how that estrangment tore me up. And although I had nasty little thoughts of "what if K decides to take everything I buy back to the store to get the money out of it??" And I even caught myself tearing tags off a few things before I forced myself to <strong>stop</strong>......... (ok, I said I'm not very trusting lol) I bought xmas for her and the grands as if nothing had ever happened. And sent it off to them.</p><p> </p><p>My own mother would tell me I'm insane. So be it. But to me, this is my daughter and my grandchildren whom I love unconditionally. I gave them xmas because it's just as important to <strong>me to give it</strong> as I think it is for them to receive it. If she were to take it back to the store for whatever reason, so be it. I would assume she has her reasons and let it go. </p><p> </p><p>Of course, the kids are eagerly awaiting xmas morning and nothing from my suspicious mind took fruit. lol But I get burned bad from someone and it's hard for me to forget, even when I forgive. (that trust will have to be earned back slowly. K understands that)</p><p> </p><p>My point is, despite any lingering suspicions of the whys K decided to suddenly reunite with the family, I did what I felt was the right thing to do despite any potential for hidden motives on K's part, imagined or otherwise. The rest was up to her.</p><p> </p><p>However, K and her husband are more than dirt poor. They're currently surviving with 3 young children in a motel room, just getting by. I don't offer to help that situation, and wouldn't if I could. This is a result of choices they made. It's not "punishment" on my part, it's expecting them to live up to their responsibility. I will be there to offer advice, a shoulder, support, and and ear when K needs to vent. But that's it. I did buy the kids alot of clothing and sent them. But I do that for the other grands as well.</p><p> </p><p>Do you get the idea? I do what I feel is the "right" thing for me to do as a parent / grandparent, what I can live with, and try not to do things that will encourage K and her husband to continue to make bad choices. No more and no less than I'd do for any of my other children. I enjoy when we're able to talk and such, and force myself not to worry when we don't. I've told K from the beginning that this time the relationship has to be more open and honest so that no misunderstandings occur. </p><p> </p><p>I'm doing my part. I don't worry about her part. I do what I think is right and let the rest go. I don't get "used" because I don't allow it to happen.</p><p> </p><p>I understand you're concern about the arrival of the grandbaby and the potential for him/her to be used as a pawn. But that can only happen if you let it. You can still love that grandchild no matter how often you see it. </p><p> </p><p>Well, this turned out longer than I planned. lol But I hope you can see what I'm trying to say.</p><p> </p><p>((hugs))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 225877, member: 84"] Judy It's difficult to find balance in this sort of thing. The 4000.00 you told her you gave as a gift. You need to let that go, as a gift, and forget it. This may come out sounding a bit weird. So bare with me. lol You have to sit down and decide how you want your kids to treat you. Then think of ways to facillitate that treatment. Since your daughter tends to only appear when material things are needed / expected, I'd keep material gifts down to a minimum. I personally wouldn't be offering help. (that's just me) Because someone who only cares enough to show up when it benefits them....well, let's just say I don't do it. Not unless it's truely a matter of critical importance. And only then, if it doesn't hurt me to offer that help and if I can handle the fact that the "debt" will go un-repaid. Gifts are gifts. I'm a person who gives gifts because it makes me feel good to make someone else happy. I don't give a hoot if I ever get a gift in return. So when a birthday rolls around, or holiday to give a gift....I give as I'd normally do and don't worry about it. Now I'm going to admit upfront I am not the most trusting person in the world. We were estranged from step daughter K for 5 or more years before mending those fences this past summer. The Moms here can tell you how that estrangment tore me up. And although I had nasty little thoughts of "what if K decides to take everything I buy back to the store to get the money out of it??" And I even caught myself tearing tags off a few things before I forced myself to [B]stop[/B]......... (ok, I said I'm not very trusting lol) I bought xmas for her and the grands as if nothing had ever happened. And sent it off to them. My own mother would tell me I'm insane. So be it. But to me, this is my daughter and my grandchildren whom I love unconditionally. I gave them xmas because it's just as important to [B]me to give it[/B] as I think it is for them to receive it. If she were to take it back to the store for whatever reason, so be it. I would assume she has her reasons and let it go. Of course, the kids are eagerly awaiting xmas morning and nothing from my suspicious mind took fruit. lol But I get burned bad from someone and it's hard for me to forget, even when I forgive. (that trust will have to be earned back slowly. K understands that) My point is, despite any lingering suspicions of the whys K decided to suddenly reunite with the family, I did what I felt was the right thing to do despite any potential for hidden motives on K's part, imagined or otherwise. The rest was up to her. However, K and her husband are more than dirt poor. They're currently surviving with 3 young children in a motel room, just getting by. I don't offer to help that situation, and wouldn't if I could. This is a result of choices they made. It's not "punishment" on my part, it's expecting them to live up to their responsibility. I will be there to offer advice, a shoulder, support, and and ear when K needs to vent. But that's it. I did buy the kids alot of clothing and sent them. But I do that for the other grands as well. Do you get the idea? I do what I feel is the "right" thing for me to do as a parent / grandparent, what I can live with, and try not to do things that will encourage K and her husband to continue to make bad choices. No more and no less than I'd do for any of my other children. I enjoy when we're able to talk and such, and force myself not to worry when we don't. I've told K from the beginning that this time the relationship has to be more open and honest so that no misunderstandings occur. I'm doing my part. I don't worry about her part. I do what I think is right and let the rest go. I don't get "used" because I don't allow it to happen. I understand you're concern about the arrival of the grandbaby and the potential for him/her to be used as a pawn. But that can only happen if you let it. You can still love that grandchild no matter how often you see it. Well, this turned out longer than I planned. lol But I hope you can see what I'm trying to say. ((hugs)) [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Want to handle this right ~
Top