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Want to pose a question for you..(philosophical)
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 252610"><p><em>Fran said...."I can not take credit for easy child's success any more than I take the blame for difficult child's failings. Both are the result of genetics, enviromental influences, teaching, learning on the part of easy child and difficult child, self direction and motivation. In some cases the very willfulness that we dislike in difficult child is just what is a positive in easy child's.</em> "</p><p> </p><p>This makes much sense to me. I do think the parental role is a large part of the environmental influence. What percentage that role is, its hard to say.</p><p> </p><p>Of course, there are plenty of examples of people raised in horrible situations who when they became adults, overcame extraordinary difficult life circumstances and succeeded and are happy. </p><p> </p><p>AND there are plenty of examples of people raised in good homes, who when they become adults, behave very inappropriately and are unhappy.</p><p> </p><p>So, it seems there are many factors working together to create an individual...genetics, environment, personality, education, perhaps opportunity, personal motivation and self direction (many things already mentioned by Fran). How can we truly take responsibility for all of this? </p><p> </p><p>Surely, the parental role plays a part...but again...what percentage? To what extent? For how long? How much should we dwell on this? And if we dwell on this excessively, do we remove responsibility somehow from adult children to assume personal responsibility? </p><p> </p><p>Choice in this is key. It works all around. </p><p>1. If you were not raised appropriately by your parents...you have a choice to let that go. To understand this and to know it wasn't right. However, you have a choice to move forward and to not perpetuate the sadness. To not dwell on it. To make a choice to live a healthy and good life.</p><p>2. If your are behaving inappropriate manner with your child...you have a choice to stop immediately and get help for yourself. Make a decision to make good decisions and to educate yourself re: parenting.</p><p>3. If your child is now an adult, you have a choice to make sincere apologies. You can make arrangements to receive help for yourself and some people, depending on the circumstances and their means...might be able to pay for therapy for their adult child. Sometimes an apology provides significant healing. The next choice is to treat their adult child with respect and to continue to move forward and to lead a healthy life. (Can't go back. Apologize. Move forward...do better). Now, encourage...anticipate...insist if necessary for your adult child to make good choices. Let them be an adult. </p><p>4. Final choice: Not to beat yourself up over any of this. Berrating/self flagellation leads to unhealthy thoughts, which leads to unhealthy actions. This does no one any good. Set an example...even for your adult children...keep your thoughts clean/healhty...make that first and most important choice.</p><p> </p><p>I recall reading Gahill Gibran..."Your children are not your children..." This always gave me pause...perhaps they belong to a HIgher Power. We are all accountable for our choices...need to strive to make healthy ones...and I have found that healthier ones start with giving up self ridicule.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 252610"] [I]Fran said...."I can not take credit for easy child's success any more than I take the blame for difficult child's failings. Both are the result of genetics, enviromental influences, teaching, learning on the part of easy child and difficult child, self direction and motivation. In some cases the very willfulness that we dislike in difficult child is just what is a positive in easy child's.[/I] " This makes much sense to me. I do think the parental role is a large part of the environmental influence. What percentage that role is, its hard to say. Of course, there are plenty of examples of people raised in horrible situations who when they became adults, overcame extraordinary difficult life circumstances and succeeded and are happy. AND there are plenty of examples of people raised in good homes, who when they become adults, behave very inappropriately and are unhappy. So, it seems there are many factors working together to create an individual...genetics, environment, personality, education, perhaps opportunity, personal motivation and self direction (many things already mentioned by Fran). How can we truly take responsibility for all of this? Surely, the parental role plays a part...but again...what percentage? To what extent? For how long? How much should we dwell on this? And if we dwell on this excessively, do we remove responsibility somehow from adult children to assume personal responsibility? Choice in this is key. It works all around. 1. If you were not raised appropriately by your parents...you have a choice to let that go. To understand this and to know it wasn't right. However, you have a choice to move forward and to not perpetuate the sadness. To not dwell on it. To make a choice to live a healthy and good life. 2. If your are behaving inappropriate manner with your child...you have a choice to stop immediately and get help for yourself. Make a decision to make good decisions and to educate yourself re: parenting. 3. If your child is now an adult, you have a choice to make sincere apologies. You can make arrangements to receive help for yourself and some people, depending on the circumstances and their means...might be able to pay for therapy for their adult child. Sometimes an apology provides significant healing. The next choice is to treat their adult child with respect and to continue to move forward and to lead a healthy life. (Can't go back. Apologize. Move forward...do better). Now, encourage...anticipate...insist if necessary for your adult child to make good choices. Let them be an adult. 4. Final choice: Not to beat yourself up over any of this. Berrating/self flagellation leads to unhealthy thoughts, which leads to unhealthy actions. This does no one any good. Set an example...even for your adult children...keep your thoughts clean/healhty...make that first and most important choice. I recall reading Gahill Gibran..."Your children are not your children..." This always gave me pause...perhaps they belong to a HIgher Power. We are all accountable for our choices...need to strive to make healthy ones...and I have found that healthier ones start with giving up self ridicule. [/QUOTE]
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