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Substance Abuse
we had our first weekend visit in 5 months......
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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 70018" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p>I, too, understand how hard these visits are. You love your child, you want them with you but you don't want the past behaviors. You're so afraid that if you say X then the old Y will happen. Sometimes you don't even know what X will set them off. You'd gotten used to being able to say what you wanted without fear of a meltdown. You got used to not having to hide your money or your keys or your credit cards. You want to live that way but you're afraid if you try it that way everything will be the way it was and that way was not good. You flinch if the phone rings and it is for your child because you're afraid of what "friend" is at the other end and what they want your child to do this time around. It takes a long time at home for the trust to come back and, if you do let it come back, it takes very little to lose it again.</p><p></p><p>I don't totally agree with Deb's therapist. My daughter's therapist had us sit down and discuss past pains -- things that had hurt each of us, things that could never be forgotten, things that could never really be forgiven. One talked, the other had to listen without saying a word and then apologize for those things done that we were truly sorry for. After the litany of past pains, we talked about what we had honestly forgiven and we promised to not bring them up again. We also agreed that the things we thought could not be forgotten or forgiven were only to be brought if they had been forgiven. It was a truly releasing experience. It let both of us let out our hurt, let us apologize for those things we truly regretted doing and let us being truly forgiving. I would not recommend doing it without a third party present. If it is done honestly, it can be extremely painful and it is hard to not interrupt and defend yourself (whether the child or the parent). A mediator can stop the quiet side from interrupting and help if there is still some serious anger.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 70018, member: 3626"] I, too, understand how hard these visits are. You love your child, you want them with you but you don't want the past behaviors. You're so afraid that if you say X then the old Y will happen. Sometimes you don't even know what X will set them off. You'd gotten used to being able to say what you wanted without fear of a meltdown. You got used to not having to hide your money or your keys or your credit cards. You want to live that way but you're afraid if you try it that way everything will be the way it was and that way was not good. You flinch if the phone rings and it is for your child because you're afraid of what "friend" is at the other end and what they want your child to do this time around. It takes a long time at home for the trust to come back and, if you do let it come back, it takes very little to lose it again. I don't totally agree with Deb's therapist. My daughter's therapist had us sit down and discuss past pains -- things that had hurt each of us, things that could never be forgotten, things that could never really be forgiven. One talked, the other had to listen without saying a word and then apologize for those things done that we were truly sorry for. After the litany of past pains, we talked about what we had honestly forgiven and we promised to not bring them up again. We also agreed that the things we thought could not be forgotten or forgiven were only to be brought if they had been forgiven. It was a truly releasing experience. It let both of us let out our hurt, let us apologize for those things we truly regretted doing and let us being truly forgiving. I would not recommend doing it without a third party present. If it is done honestly, it can be extremely painful and it is hard to not interrupt and defend yourself (whether the child or the parent). A mediator can stop the quiet side from interrupting and help if there is still some serious anger. [/QUOTE]
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we had our first weekend visit in 5 months......
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