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Wee made it til 930am today. Malory may still be a big issue.
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 339204" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Devil's Advocate here - I'm also saying what the school might say. It IS possible that Malory may actually be doing nothing (well, nothing more than the average kid). At least now. The fact that she is a trigger for wee is obvious. But does she deserve to be disadvantaged in any way, because wee has a problem with her?</p><p></p><p>OK, you and I are fairly sure that at least at some time in the past, if not currently, Malory has been a HUGE problem for wee and has probably got him into a pattern of reacting now, BEFORE she needs to do anything. her mere presence is now setting him off. So to an observing staff member, Malory could be minding her own business and wee is still having trouble. So watching her and trying to catch her in the act of hassling wee - it won't fix the problem now. The problem has ow grown too big.</p><p></p><p>I do think, however, you have sufficient grounds for requesting that Malory and wee be kept apart in different classrooms. I would get some sort of firm statement from therapist (more than what she has written to you) than in her opinion, if wee and Malory cannot be kept apart, then he cannot be held accountable for his inability to function. </p><p></p><p>You can't go back and make accusations about Malory, and I don't think it will achieve anything now. The problems are now in place and until wee can experience success while in her presence (and this won't happen without a great deal more support than the school can put in place) then he is set up for failure.</p><p></p><p>So I think the angle you now need to work on, is that for whatever reason (and you can have your suspicions) wee and Malory need to be kept apart, or there will be problems. She and wee are oil and water, a very bad mix. It doesn't matter why or who is at fault. It just needs to be dealt with. Even if the school says, "Kids have to learn to get along," then you can point out - wee CAN'T be expected to manage by normal standards. And as for Malory - she has to learn to get along too, and her actions in the past, as far as you have been able to determine, don't seem to indicate a lot of success there, at least as far as wee is concerned. So why should the school set up both of them for failure? Make it easier on everyone and separate them. Failure to take wee's needs into account is discriminatory, especially after the school has been given clear professional advice on his medical needs and they still fail to take them into account.</p><p></p><p>But give them the official medical info first, in a letter to the school from therapist, on this topic.</p><p></p><p>Play the "no fault" card - you have no way of knowing that wee didn't just get an irrational set against Malory. If you go in making accusations that she is a horrible kid, they will feel bound to defend her. But if you go in saying, "look, these two kids are a problem for each other, please for both their sakes, separate them," you might get better results.</p><p></p><p>I've seen both sides of this with difficult child 3. </p><p></p><p>1) A kid who was his best friend, difficult child 3 suddenly began hitting him and punching him. It was at chess class (which meant I was there tutoring). Thankfully best friend was very tolerant. I asked what the problem was. difficult child 3 said, "He's cheating. he's lying to me when I say he's cheating."</p><p>I said, "How do you know?"</p><p>He said, "He's smiling. And when someone smiles when you're playing a game with them, it means they're cheating."</p><p>It took a lot of patient talking-to, to explain to difficult child 3 that sometimes people just smile because they are happy, or because you said or did something amusing. We talked to best friend who explained why he was smiling - it was something that difficult child 3 said, that he hadn't realised was funny. They shook hands and were friends. If best friend hadn't been so mature about it (unusually mature for an 8 year old) then it would have been a big problem.</p><p></p><p>2) difficult child 3 used to get bullied a lot by about five or six boys in his class. After some months (or more) of this, he was so hypersensitive to these boys that even if they weren't doing anything to him, he was highly reactive and would attack them without much provocation. Or if they looked at him the wrong way, he would immediately put the worst construction on it. Most of these boys have since stopped bullying him, but it took a long time before he trusted any of them. But back in the bad old days, after a long period of being physically hassled and needled (literally sometimes) difficult child 3 would explode and attack if just one more small thing happened. And then difficult child 3 would get into trouble.</p><p></p><p>It sounds to me like wee has been badly hassled over a long period of time, and rightly or wrongly, he blames Malory. Something has to change. It's going to take some hard pushing with the school, and you might need to get some strong ammunition from Special Education over exactly what words to use to trigger the school into action. Because as things stand, every time wee goes to school and meets Malory, there will be trouble. And now YOU have it officially from therapist, so now YOU have the responsibility to do your best to prevent this.</p><p></p><p>Time to transfer this responsibility to the school.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 339204, member: 1991"] Devil's Advocate here - I'm also saying what the school might say. It IS possible that Malory may actually be doing nothing (well, nothing more than the average kid). At least now. The fact that she is a trigger for wee is obvious. But does she deserve to be disadvantaged in any way, because wee has a problem with her? OK, you and I are fairly sure that at least at some time in the past, if not currently, Malory has been a HUGE problem for wee and has probably got him into a pattern of reacting now, BEFORE she needs to do anything. her mere presence is now setting him off. So to an observing staff member, Malory could be minding her own business and wee is still having trouble. So watching her and trying to catch her in the act of hassling wee - it won't fix the problem now. The problem has ow grown too big. I do think, however, you have sufficient grounds for requesting that Malory and wee be kept apart in different classrooms. I would get some sort of firm statement from therapist (more than what she has written to you) than in her opinion, if wee and Malory cannot be kept apart, then he cannot be held accountable for his inability to function. You can't go back and make accusations about Malory, and I don't think it will achieve anything now. The problems are now in place and until wee can experience success while in her presence (and this won't happen without a great deal more support than the school can put in place) then he is set up for failure. So I think the angle you now need to work on, is that for whatever reason (and you can have your suspicions) wee and Malory need to be kept apart, or there will be problems. She and wee are oil and water, a very bad mix. It doesn't matter why or who is at fault. It just needs to be dealt with. Even if the school says, "Kids have to learn to get along," then you can point out - wee CAN'T be expected to manage by normal standards. And as for Malory - she has to learn to get along too, and her actions in the past, as far as you have been able to determine, don't seem to indicate a lot of success there, at least as far as wee is concerned. So why should the school set up both of them for failure? Make it easier on everyone and separate them. Failure to take wee's needs into account is discriminatory, especially after the school has been given clear professional advice on his medical needs and they still fail to take them into account. But give them the official medical info first, in a letter to the school from therapist, on this topic. Play the "no fault" card - you have no way of knowing that wee didn't just get an irrational set against Malory. If you go in making accusations that she is a horrible kid, they will feel bound to defend her. But if you go in saying, "look, these two kids are a problem for each other, please for both their sakes, separate them," you might get better results. I've seen both sides of this with difficult child 3. 1) A kid who was his best friend, difficult child 3 suddenly began hitting him and punching him. It was at chess class (which meant I was there tutoring). Thankfully best friend was very tolerant. I asked what the problem was. difficult child 3 said, "He's cheating. he's lying to me when I say he's cheating." I said, "How do you know?" He said, "He's smiling. And when someone smiles when you're playing a game with them, it means they're cheating." It took a lot of patient talking-to, to explain to difficult child 3 that sometimes people just smile because they are happy, or because you said or did something amusing. We talked to best friend who explained why he was smiling - it was something that difficult child 3 said, that he hadn't realised was funny. They shook hands and were friends. If best friend hadn't been so mature about it (unusually mature for an 8 year old) then it would have been a big problem. 2) difficult child 3 used to get bullied a lot by about five or six boys in his class. After some months (or more) of this, he was so hypersensitive to these boys that even if they weren't doing anything to him, he was highly reactive and would attack them without much provocation. Or if they looked at him the wrong way, he would immediately put the worst construction on it. Most of these boys have since stopped bullying him, but it took a long time before he trusted any of them. But back in the bad old days, after a long period of being physically hassled and needled (literally sometimes) difficult child 3 would explode and attack if just one more small thing happened. And then difficult child 3 would get into trouble. It sounds to me like wee has been badly hassled over a long period of time, and rightly or wrongly, he blames Malory. Something has to change. It's going to take some hard pushing with the school, and you might need to get some strong ammunition from Special Education over exactly what words to use to trigger the school into action. Because as things stand, every time wee goes to school and meets Malory, there will be trouble. And now YOU have it officially from therapist, so now YOU have the responsibility to do your best to prevent this. Time to transfer this responsibility to the school. Marg [/QUOTE]
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Wee made it til 930am today. Malory may still be a big issue.
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