Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Week #3 of our trip through ODD land
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 376909" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Zoloft has worked brilliantly for difficult child 1, but not for difficult child 3. It's different.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Trust me, there is more going on. I'm thinking that possibly one of the areas of conflict between your methods and your wife's, is you are focussing on the ODD and trying to find ways to fix it directly, while she is leaving that area entirely alone. </p><p></p><p>Neither method is correct, although in their ways, both are intuitive.</p><p></p><p>You will find as you read Explosive Child, that there are some very different strategies which SEEM to be leaving that behaviour alone. But they're not. Mind you, from what you say I doubt your wife is actually using any strategy other than the "too hard basket" which, in the early edition of Explosive Child, is actually Basket C. If his bad behaviour is linked to anxiety, then for now at least, forget the bad behaviour and focus on helping him with the anxiety. Try to get into his head and work out how he is feeling, then work from there. </p><p></p><p>When difficult child 3 is stressed and anxious, he lashes out verbally. Or he used to. badly. But over time he has learned that we will help him, he doesn't have to draw our attention to his distress by getting aggrtessive and rude. With people who keep chiding hi for bad behaviour, he still can get rude with them. We explain to himt hat getting angry with people like grandma is a bad idea - she will never learn to not needle him, she feels it is her duty (since in her opinion, we are neglecting this) to chide him for bad behaviour.</p><p></p><p>But she is wrong. The secret for us has been, we work on the underlying problem (anxiety, generally) and from there, once he is calm, we can then discuss the way he behaved and we then model for him, as well as instruct and rehearse with him, a better way to behave. We do this without recrimination and without any sense of "I am your superior, you must respect me," because frankly, that achieves less than nothing. He actually responds better to "let me help you understand a better way."</p><p></p><p>When you are strict with kids like this, they don't understand the full message you're trying to teach. They see that you are bigger than them and for some reason you seem to be able to yell at them, to "throw your weight around" and get firm and strict. So you achieve things tat way, it's obviously good. So difficult child thinks, "I'll do it that way too, since it works for my parent."</p><p>But coming from a kid, it doesn't work.</p><p></p><p>I just had another talk to mother in law, who is trying to get it and sometimes does, but at other times falls back on "Why should I be the one to have to make accommodations?"</p><p></p><p>Every kid learns differently, difficult children especially so (depending on what the underlying problem is). The brighter the kid, the faster they try to adapt and the more difficult it can be to get a diagnosis because the problems get masked. Not out of deliberate deception, but because the child is desperately trying to fit in.</p><p></p><p>Susie's suggestion to keep a journal, is a very good one. Both you and your wife should write in it, and if you can get the teachers to also write things. We had a Communication Book which travelled in difficult child's school bag to and from school. Alternatively, emails to and fro can be really good. But keep them copied to one file so you have them altogether, it makes it easier to recognise patterns which you can use to help identify problems before they escalate.</p><p></p><p>You're here, you're asking questions, you're trying to find solutions. This is good. If you're not getting it right, don't get caught up in blame. It can take a while, especially if the problem is complex or masked.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 376909, member: 1991"] Zoloft has worked brilliantly for difficult child 1, but not for difficult child 3. It's different. Trust me, there is more going on. I'm thinking that possibly one of the areas of conflict between your methods and your wife's, is you are focussing on the ODD and trying to find ways to fix it directly, while she is leaving that area entirely alone. Neither method is correct, although in their ways, both are intuitive. You will find as you read Explosive Child, that there are some very different strategies which SEEM to be leaving that behaviour alone. But they're not. Mind you, from what you say I doubt your wife is actually using any strategy other than the "too hard basket" which, in the early edition of Explosive Child, is actually Basket C. If his bad behaviour is linked to anxiety, then for now at least, forget the bad behaviour and focus on helping him with the anxiety. Try to get into his head and work out how he is feeling, then work from there. When difficult child 3 is stressed and anxious, he lashes out verbally. Or he used to. badly. But over time he has learned that we will help him, he doesn't have to draw our attention to his distress by getting aggrtessive and rude. With people who keep chiding hi for bad behaviour, he still can get rude with them. We explain to himt hat getting angry with people like grandma is a bad idea - she will never learn to not needle him, she feels it is her duty (since in her opinion, we are neglecting this) to chide him for bad behaviour. But she is wrong. The secret for us has been, we work on the underlying problem (anxiety, generally) and from there, once he is calm, we can then discuss the way he behaved and we then model for him, as well as instruct and rehearse with him, a better way to behave. We do this without recrimination and without any sense of "I am your superior, you must respect me," because frankly, that achieves less than nothing. He actually responds better to "let me help you understand a better way." When you are strict with kids like this, they don't understand the full message you're trying to teach. They see that you are bigger than them and for some reason you seem to be able to yell at them, to "throw your weight around" and get firm and strict. So you achieve things tat way, it's obviously good. So difficult child thinks, "I'll do it that way too, since it works for my parent." But coming from a kid, it doesn't work. I just had another talk to mother in law, who is trying to get it and sometimes does, but at other times falls back on "Why should I be the one to have to make accommodations?" Every kid learns differently, difficult children especially so (depending on what the underlying problem is). The brighter the kid, the faster they try to adapt and the more difficult it can be to get a diagnosis because the problems get masked. Not out of deliberate deception, but because the child is desperately trying to fit in. Susie's suggestion to keep a journal, is a very good one. Both you and your wife should write in it, and if you can get the teachers to also write things. We had a Communication Book which travelled in difficult child's school bag to and from school. Alternatively, emails to and fro can be really good. But keep them copied to one file so you have them altogether, it makes it easier to recognise patterns which you can use to help identify problems before they escalate. You're here, you're asking questions, you're trying to find solutions. This is good. If you're not getting it right, don't get caught up in blame. It can take a while, especially if the problem is complex or masked. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Week #3 of our trip through ODD land
Top