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Well, here I am, almost at breaking point - son aged 30
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 712356" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Sorry about your mother and all the pain.</p><p></p><p>It stops for us when we no longer run after them like they are victims rather than perpetrators of their own downfall...your son is 30 and it helps to remember that adults his age are mostly choosong to live adult like lives without excess use of substances, violence and "mommy" rescuing them with money or anything else. Until/unless you chioose to detach from anything due to his bad choices, even getting beaten up, you will suffer. It is a choice we make,much like our difficult ADULT sons choose not working, drugs and refusing mental health help. It does not help these adult sons and daughters when we make excuses for ther refusal to do better and feel sorry for our healthy, able bodied adult childtren who choose to be criminals. As you know, they arent even grateful to us for our help. They see this as weskness and abuse us snd make demands and throw toddler like tantrums.</p><p></p><p>We can choose to stilll love them, of course, but to detach from any drama or from things that occur due to their horrible choices. They are far more apt to straiighten out if we stop feeling sorry for them and close the Bank of Mom. I assume your son is healthy enough to work.</p><p></p><p>I have an autistic son who we were told would just be a vegetable. He is 24, has two part time jobs, lives on his own without our monetary help and is the sweetest most loving young man...everyone tells me they adore him. He is adopted and was born with cocaine in his system. If he can be kind and productive, so can your son. Im not trying to be mean...I just want tp remind you that truly disabled adults can live good lives and your son has that potential too. My son worked hard snd makes good choices and your son can too.</p><p></p><p> It is on his shoulders alone that he is 30 years old and gnarly, mean, bitter and always in trouble. You do not have to choose to take care of him anymore. It will help both of you more if you let him grow up. I wouldnt even allow him to come on my premisis since he is threatening with his words and actions. He is not safe. Change your locks. If you want to see him, meet him in a public place, like a coffee shop. Cut off all money. No is a complete sentence.</p><p></p><p>HIM: I HAVENT EATEN FOR A WEEK.</p><p></p><p>YOU: (REMEMBER IT IS LIKELY A LIE) OH, HERE. I MADE A LIST OF ALL THE FOOD PANTRIES AND SHELTERS SO THAT YOU ALWAYS HAVE FOOD. ALSO HERE IS THE ADDRESS TO GO TO FOR APPLYING FOR A Food CARD."</p><p></p><p>STop doing things for him. He needs to become an adult and act like one. The sooner the better. He is not a young kid. If he starts to abuse you, get up and leave or cut off the phone conversation or stop texting. Before you disconnect say "You are smart and capable. I love you and im going to let you do this yourself. Bye."</p><p></p><p>I also have a daughter who did drugs. She was only 19 when we made her leave and cut off the Bank of Mom completely. We wanted to give her a chance and nip it early. Honestly she looked so sick i thought she would end up dead or in prison. Instead, she quit, even cigarettes. Twelve years later she has a typical 33 year old life with partner, house, car and my gorgeous granddaughter.</p><p></p><p>Will backing off change your son? More of a chance than if you leave him be, but no promises. Only one person can change him...himself.</p><p></p><p>You and your son both have choices. You can go down with your son, which wont help your son at all, or you can choose to get a therapist to help you stop living through the son and build a good life for yourself. Or you can slowly die. And that helps nobody.</p><p></p><p>I hope you choose a good life. Again, sincerely sorry for you about your mother. May she R.I.P.</p><p></p><p>Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 712356, member: 1550"] Sorry about your mother and all the pain. It stops for us when we no longer run after them like they are victims rather than perpetrators of their own downfall...your son is 30 and it helps to remember that adults his age are mostly choosong to live adult like lives without excess use of substances, violence and "mommy" rescuing them with money or anything else. Until/unless you chioose to detach from anything due to his bad choices, even getting beaten up, you will suffer. It is a choice we make,much like our difficult ADULT sons choose not working, drugs and refusing mental health help. It does not help these adult sons and daughters when we make excuses for ther refusal to do better and feel sorry for our healthy, able bodied adult childtren who choose to be criminals. As you know, they arent even grateful to us for our help. They see this as weskness and abuse us snd make demands and throw toddler like tantrums. We can choose to stilll love them, of course, but to detach from any drama or from things that occur due to their horrible choices. They are far more apt to straiighten out if we stop feeling sorry for them and close the Bank of Mom. I assume your son is healthy enough to work. I have an autistic son who we were told would just be a vegetable. He is 24, has two part time jobs, lives on his own without our monetary help and is the sweetest most loving young man...everyone tells me they adore him. He is adopted and was born with cocaine in his system. If he can be kind and productive, so can your son. Im not trying to be mean...I just want tp remind you that truly disabled adults can live good lives and your son has that potential too. My son worked hard snd makes good choices and your son can too. It is on his shoulders alone that he is 30 years old and gnarly, mean, bitter and always in trouble. You do not have to choose to take care of him anymore. It will help both of you more if you let him grow up. I wouldnt even allow him to come on my premisis since he is threatening with his words and actions. He is not safe. Change your locks. If you want to see him, meet him in a public place, like a coffee shop. Cut off all money. No is a complete sentence. HIM: I HAVENT EATEN FOR A WEEK. YOU: (REMEMBER IT IS LIKELY A LIE) OH, HERE. I MADE A LIST OF ALL THE FOOD PANTRIES AND SHELTERS SO THAT YOU ALWAYS HAVE FOOD. ALSO HERE IS THE ADDRESS TO GO TO FOR APPLYING FOR A Food CARD." STop doing things for him. He needs to become an adult and act like one. The sooner the better. He is not a young kid. If he starts to abuse you, get up and leave or cut off the phone conversation or stop texting. Before you disconnect say "You are smart and capable. I love you and im going to let you do this yourself. Bye." I also have a daughter who did drugs. She was only 19 when we made her leave and cut off the Bank of Mom completely. We wanted to give her a chance and nip it early. Honestly she looked so sick i thought she would end up dead or in prison. Instead, she quit, even cigarettes. Twelve years later she has a typical 33 year old life with partner, house, car and my gorgeous granddaughter. Will backing off change your son? More of a chance than if you leave him be, but no promises. Only one person can change him...himself. You and your son both have choices. You can go down with your son, which wont help your son at all, or you can choose to get a therapist to help you stop living through the son and build a good life for yourself. Or you can slowly die. And that helps nobody. I hope you choose a good life. Again, sincerely sorry for you about your mother. May she R.I.P. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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Well, here I am, almost at breaking point - son aged 30
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