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Substance Abuse
Went and did it to myself this time....
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<blockquote data-quote="Mikey" data-source="post: 32570" data-attributes="member: 3579"><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: HereWeGoAgain</div><div class="ubbcode-body">You tried the kid gloves and he successfully hid his drug habit for two years. Can you or the therapist explain to him that an excessive sensitivity about his privacy is suspicious given past experience? There are indications in your other posts that some of this bluster is playacting and that deeper down he still cares what you think and wants boundaries. And it's not like you watch his every move, complaints about "stalking" notwithstanding. Our easy child kids would've been happy to get the degree of freedom he gets when they were 17.</p><p></div></div></p><p></p><p>HWGA - gotcha. But it isn't that we walked on eggshells for two years and he still hid it from us. We were completely oblivious for those two years, thinking that it was just teen angst and the move from junior high to high school. After he "came clean", we tried the tough approach, which only resulted in more anger and acting out. It's only been since we stopped flailing, got some help, and started working with him that he's shown any progress at all.</p><p></p><p>Yes, I think he still wants boundaries, and that part of what he throws at us is playacting. But I also know my family, three generations of hard-headed Italian men (he's the fourth) known for spitting in the face of their parents and going their own way, regardless of the consequences - all to prove that they were the masters of their own fate. Fathers all acted the same: bullies, bluster, and lots of Italian bravado and threats. Hasn't worked in three generations, and didn't work with him for the first six months.</p><p></p><p>So now we're trying something different. Will it work? Who knows? But so far, we're seing better results, and after the first six months of pure hell, progress is progress and I'll take it.</p><p></p><p>But I do want to say (again) to everyone who's been kind enough to respond: Thank you! I know I seem argumentative, and hard-headed, and maybe even deluded. But this one episode has really upset me because for six months I've tried very hard to be the "paragon" of honesty for my son. I've held myself up as the person who was always willing to meet him halfway (or more) if he would only engage in the process to improve his life. <strong>HE</strong> was the one who was acting stupid and childish </p><p></p><p>In short, I held myself up in a position of moral superiority to him, and never missed a chance to let him know it.</p><p></p><p>And this weekend, regardless of the reasons, all I did was prove that he was right and I <strong>wasn't</strong> his moral superior, and that all the high-and-mighty condecision I've used to try an guilt him into "coming around" was just my own bluster. I simply proved that I was as human as he was, as frail as he was, as flawed as he was. And it hurts.</p><p></p><p>And in a tiny corner of my heart, if he really was just blustering, and he really did want me to step in and help settle his world down, did I let him down by the way I acted? Did I give him an excuse to doubt my ability to help him?</p><p></p><p>I don't know, but I'm working through it. Thanks again to everyone. I'll stop kicking myself for being human, but now I also need to find some other way of presenting myself to my son than as the "paragon on the pedestal" that he should be trying to emulate.</p><p></p><p>And maybe, this is God's way of bringing me down a peg or two as well.</p><p></p><p>Mikey</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mikey, post: 32570, member: 3579"] <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: HereWeGoAgain</div><div class="ubbcode-body">You tried the kid gloves and he successfully hid his drug habit for two years. Can you or the therapist explain to him that an excessive sensitivity about his privacy is suspicious given past experience? There are indications in your other posts that some of this bluster is playacting and that deeper down he still cares what you think and wants boundaries. And it's not like you watch his every move, complaints about "stalking" notwithstanding. Our easy child kids would've been happy to get the degree of freedom he gets when they were 17. </div></div> HWGA - gotcha. But it isn't that we walked on eggshells for two years and he still hid it from us. We were completely oblivious for those two years, thinking that it was just teen angst and the move from junior high to high school. After he "came clean", we tried the tough approach, which only resulted in more anger and acting out. It's only been since we stopped flailing, got some help, and started working with him that he's shown any progress at all. Yes, I think he still wants boundaries, and that part of what he throws at us is playacting. But I also know my family, three generations of hard-headed Italian men (he's the fourth) known for spitting in the face of their parents and going their own way, regardless of the consequences - all to prove that they were the masters of their own fate. Fathers all acted the same: bullies, bluster, and lots of Italian bravado and threats. Hasn't worked in three generations, and didn't work with him for the first six months. So now we're trying something different. Will it work? Who knows? But so far, we're seing better results, and after the first six months of pure hell, progress is progress and I'll take it. But I do want to say (again) to everyone who's been kind enough to respond: Thank you! I know I seem argumentative, and hard-headed, and maybe even deluded. But this one episode has really upset me because for six months I've tried very hard to be the "paragon" of honesty for my son. I've held myself up as the person who was always willing to meet him halfway (or more) if he would only engage in the process to improve his life. [b]HE[/b] was the one who was acting stupid and childish In short, I held myself up in a position of moral superiority to him, and never missed a chance to let him know it. And this weekend, regardless of the reasons, all I did was prove that he was right and I [b]wasn't[/b] his moral superior, and that all the high-and-mighty condecision I've used to try an guilt him into "coming around" was just my own bluster. I simply proved that I was as human as he was, as frail as he was, as flawed as he was. And it hurts. And in a tiny corner of my heart, if he really was just blustering, and he really did want me to step in and help settle his world down, did I let him down by the way I acted? Did I give him an excuse to doubt my ability to help him? I don't know, but I'm working through it. Thanks again to everyone. I'll stop kicking myself for being human, but now I also need to find some other way of presenting myself to my son than as the "paragon on the pedestal" that he should be trying to emulate. And maybe, this is God's way of bringing me down a peg or two as well. Mikey [/QUOTE]
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