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we've been overly involved
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<blockquote data-quote="Suz" data-source="post: 117366" data-attributes="member: 29"><p>Hi Sue,</p><p></p><p>Yes, you are overly involved. Always have been as long as I've known you.</p><p></p><p>A few times you tried to be the stronger parent but your husband time and time again usurped your efforts. So I think you gave up a long time ago. I can't say as I blame you really...but I'm sure glad to read this post and hope that <strong>both</strong> you and husband are ready to make some changes.</p><p></p><p>Yes, Melissa is rebelling. </p><p></p><p>Yes, Melissa is overly dependent.</p><p></p><p>Where I get lost in your post is how you have made the connection between Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a very serious personality disorder, to her actions?</p><p></p><p>I guess my thinking is that any kid would rebel against parents who are overly involved...let alone a young adult whose parents are still overly involved. I don't see her actions as necessarily meaning that she has Borderline (BPD).</p><p></p><p>Melissa has not learned coping skills because she hasn't been forced to. Heck, the last I heard she's still sleeping on the floor of your bedroom on occasion. And the last I heard husband was still slipping her money when she needed it and after you had said no. So she learned manipulation skills early on. And she is now Master Class at it.</p><p></p><p>That doesn't make her Borderline (BPD).</p><p></p><p>I hope you don't mind me being so frank; we've known each other for a very long time so I hope you know I share these thoughts with utmost respect and affection. </p><p></p><p>She is in her 20's now. You are doing her a disservice if you continue to stay as involved as you were. The most loving thing you can do is to let her learn life lessons the hard way...It is waaaaaay past time. And if she makes your life miserable, then she has to move out. Period. </p><p></p><p>When Melissa experiences some serious lows and figures out FOR HERSELF how to make things better, only then will she gain some confidence and skill in managing her life in the Real World. Give her the gift of backing off.</p><p></p><p>Suz</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Suz, post: 117366, member: 29"] Hi Sue, Yes, you are overly involved. Always have been as long as I've known you. A few times you tried to be the stronger parent but your husband time and time again usurped your efforts. So I think you gave up a long time ago. I can't say as I blame you really...but I'm sure glad to read this post and hope that [b]both[/b] you and husband are ready to make some changes. Yes, Melissa is rebelling. Yes, Melissa is overly dependent. Where I get lost in your post is how you have made the connection between Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a very serious personality disorder, to her actions? I guess my thinking is that any kid would rebel against parents who are overly involved...let alone a young adult whose parents are still overly involved. I don't see her actions as necessarily meaning that she has Borderline (BPD). Melissa has not learned coping skills because she hasn't been forced to. Heck, the last I heard she's still sleeping on the floor of your bedroom on occasion. And the last I heard husband was still slipping her money when she needed it and after you had said no. So she learned manipulation skills early on. And she is now Master Class at it. That doesn't make her Borderline (BPD). I hope you don't mind me being so frank; we've known each other for a very long time so I hope you know I share these thoughts with utmost respect and affection. She is in her 20's now. You are doing her a disservice if you continue to stay as involved as you were. The most loving thing you can do is to let her learn life lessons the hard way...It is waaaaaay past time. And if she makes your life miserable, then she has to move out. Period. When Melissa experiences some serious lows and figures out FOR HERSELF how to make things better, only then will she gain some confidence and skill in managing her life in the Real World. Give her the gift of backing off. Suz [/QUOTE]
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