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What could be wrong with my 3 year old, please help?
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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 540516" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>Welcome to the board Andrea. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hugs.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hugs:" title="hugs :hugs:" data-shortname=":hugs:" /></p><p></p><p>You said you've tired all sorts of things from rewards to various types of consequences. So.....I'm not criticizing, just trying to get a better picture of the situation.....can you say that rules are clear and consequences for not following rules consistent? (and yes I mean even if he stands there and laughs at you or whatever else he does) I'm not saying trying something new if something isn't working is wrong, but if you're changing the rules (or letting them slide out of exasperation) or the consequences for not following the rules too often.......that alone is going to cause some major issues. Children need consistency, even if it appears it is not working......actually then more than ever. </p><p></p><p>Travis was the king of trouble between the ages of 1-8 yrs. His 2nd year he spend as much if not more time sitting in time out as he did doing other things. He was stubborn, and he was autistic and it just didn't "click" for him like it does other kids, so over and over and over again we went........and yes I had to take great pains to never raise my voice and to be certain to praise good behavior whenever I saw it. </p><p></p><p>A strict routine can also help a ton. I'm not talking time strict, but order strict. Like: get up, get dressed, make bed (if he does), eat breakfast..... Doing things in the same order each day gives a child a sense of security. </p><p></p><p>I recommend a good evaluation for him by a neuropsychologist. But......due to the rapid change in his behavior from easy going baby to what you're now dealing with.......I also have to ask if there is the remote chance he has been abused by someone? I'm not saying he has........but such behavior issues are usually seen a little even during babyhood, although in different ways. </p><p></p><p>But at 3.5 yrs of age.........it could very well not be a disorder at all and instead it's a battle of wills. One I just went through a few months back with my grandson who is close to the same age. His parents rules/discipline are no where near as consistent as Nana's rules and dicipline. He was a holy terror, and honestly if it weren't for the fact that he is my grandchild and I love him, I'd have stopped watching him it was so bad. Instead, I out stubborned him. I didn't lose my temper, I refused to raise my voice. Rules didn't change, nor did the consequences. It took many months, and he still tests me occasionally, but he is no longer a holy terror....but a sweet lil guy who minds his Nana. </p><p></p><p>Your son also reminds me of my granddaughter at the same age who was also too smart for her own good.......and didn't have consistent rules/discipline. Not that her parents were trying to let her run wild, but there were two different sets of parenting methods going on which basically had little or nothing to do with each other .......which resulted in a very confused child who couldn't figure out what the rules were or what the punishment was supposed to be. Within the last year they've been getting more on the same page.......Dad is still lagging behind determined he can reason with a 6 yr old in full melt down because he's actually goaded her into it......but she's MUCH better......and daughter is trying to reign in her husband before she has to take all disciplining privileges away from him to keep things consistent. </p><p></p><p>At this age it can simply be your overly bright child has tested / is testing the limits to see what your reaction will be........and since it's getting him a response (you're upset and changing tactics) the behavior is not stopping. An early form of manipulation that gets reinforced accidentally by the parents. Or it can be an actual disorder going on........but odds are you're not going to get a really accurate diagnosis at his age. (the older he is, the more accurate it will be) Yet early intervention of the behaviors is best. So an evaluation won't hurt either way.</p><p></p><p>Sitting down and actually writing out the house rules for your son (this is for you, not really him at this age), and writing out what the consequence for each will be......let's it be an automatic unemotional response when he breaks one of the rules. If you have a stubborn/willful child......it may take a long time doing it over and over again before you see a behavior start to go away, and even then......he will probably test you from time to time. Praise is good, but don't over do it, make sure it's deserved praise when you give it......and you don't have to be all gushy with it. So many parents go so far over board with this it gags me (I've even seen kids roll their eyes LOL ) </p><p></p><p>If a method of consequence doesn't work after a good period of time, try something new (often you may have to think outside the box). Time Out is good, but it has to be used properly. I've seen parents use TIme Out.....and it's useless because the child is sitting on the chair or whatever screaming their head off, trying to escape the chair, or sitting there playing or talking back or whatever....... Time Out with me is the child sits where I put them for a specific amount of time (and no I don't use that minute per age junk, usually it's about 3-5 mins under age 4 and 5-10 min for 4 to about age 6, 6 and up it's 15 mins), time out does not start until that child is sitting still and quiet, and I don't care if that takes 45 mins. And I will tell them in a calm voice it does not start until they sit still and are quiet....several times at regular intervals if necessary. I don't argue with them. I don't explain why their sitting there. I don't engage them at all, except to remind them the rules of time out. Once time out is over, then I explain what they did wrong. And yeah, with stubborn grandson......there was more than once he went over 30 mins just to start his Time Out session. But he got the idea. But I have a lot of parents tell me time out doesn't work.......but yeah. Nor did I use time out for everything either.....because it wears out after a while with over use. At 2 Travis drew on the walls with his sister easy child who was 4.......no time out, instead they were given cleaner and had to scrub the walls.......which was not fun after about the first minute or so. Fighting over a toy, the toy was removed from the situation and not introduced back until several hours later. A tantrum over something was a sure fire way to make certain you didn't get whatever it was you wanted. Grandson Darrin (8) has discovered that arguing over bedtime gets one put to bed a half hour earlier and conning a little brother to ask for a treat or to get to do something means you don't get it. </p><p></p><p>But I'll be honest with you, reward charts didn't even work on my easy child. I think the person who thought those up was childless.</p><p></p><p>((hugs))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 540516, member: 84"] Welcome to the board Andrea. :hugs: You said you've tired all sorts of things from rewards to various types of consequences. So.....I'm not criticizing, just trying to get a better picture of the situation.....can you say that rules are clear and consequences for not following rules consistent? (and yes I mean even if he stands there and laughs at you or whatever else he does) I'm not saying trying something new if something isn't working is wrong, but if you're changing the rules (or letting them slide out of exasperation) or the consequences for not following the rules too often.......that alone is going to cause some major issues. Children need consistency, even if it appears it is not working......actually then more than ever. Travis was the king of trouble between the ages of 1-8 yrs. His 2nd year he spend as much if not more time sitting in time out as he did doing other things. He was stubborn, and he was autistic and it just didn't "click" for him like it does other kids, so over and over and over again we went........and yes I had to take great pains to never raise my voice and to be certain to praise good behavior whenever I saw it. A strict routine can also help a ton. I'm not talking time strict, but order strict. Like: get up, get dressed, make bed (if he does), eat breakfast..... Doing things in the same order each day gives a child a sense of security. I recommend a good evaluation for him by a neuropsychologist. But......due to the rapid change in his behavior from easy going baby to what you're now dealing with.......I also have to ask if there is the remote chance he has been abused by someone? I'm not saying he has........but such behavior issues are usually seen a little even during babyhood, although in different ways. But at 3.5 yrs of age.........it could very well not be a disorder at all and instead it's a battle of wills. One I just went through a few months back with my grandson who is close to the same age. His parents rules/discipline are no where near as consistent as Nana's rules and dicipline. He was a holy terror, and honestly if it weren't for the fact that he is my grandchild and I love him, I'd have stopped watching him it was so bad. Instead, I out stubborned him. I didn't lose my temper, I refused to raise my voice. Rules didn't change, nor did the consequences. It took many months, and he still tests me occasionally, but he is no longer a holy terror....but a sweet lil guy who minds his Nana. Your son also reminds me of my granddaughter at the same age who was also too smart for her own good.......and didn't have consistent rules/discipline. Not that her parents were trying to let her run wild, but there were two different sets of parenting methods going on which basically had little or nothing to do with each other .......which resulted in a very confused child who couldn't figure out what the rules were or what the punishment was supposed to be. Within the last year they've been getting more on the same page.......Dad is still lagging behind determined he can reason with a 6 yr old in full melt down because he's actually goaded her into it......but she's MUCH better......and daughter is trying to reign in her husband before she has to take all disciplining privileges away from him to keep things consistent. At this age it can simply be your overly bright child has tested / is testing the limits to see what your reaction will be........and since it's getting him a response (you're upset and changing tactics) the behavior is not stopping. An early form of manipulation that gets reinforced accidentally by the parents. Or it can be an actual disorder going on........but odds are you're not going to get a really accurate diagnosis at his age. (the older he is, the more accurate it will be) Yet early intervention of the behaviors is best. So an evaluation won't hurt either way. Sitting down and actually writing out the house rules for your son (this is for you, not really him at this age), and writing out what the consequence for each will be......let's it be an automatic unemotional response when he breaks one of the rules. If you have a stubborn/willful child......it may take a long time doing it over and over again before you see a behavior start to go away, and even then......he will probably test you from time to time. Praise is good, but don't over do it, make sure it's deserved praise when you give it......and you don't have to be all gushy with it. So many parents go so far over board with this it gags me (I've even seen kids roll their eyes LOL ) If a method of consequence doesn't work after a good period of time, try something new (often you may have to think outside the box). Time Out is good, but it has to be used properly. I've seen parents use TIme Out.....and it's useless because the child is sitting on the chair or whatever screaming their head off, trying to escape the chair, or sitting there playing or talking back or whatever....... Time Out with me is the child sits where I put them for a specific amount of time (and no I don't use that minute per age junk, usually it's about 3-5 mins under age 4 and 5-10 min for 4 to about age 6, 6 and up it's 15 mins), time out does not start until that child is sitting still and quiet, and I don't care if that takes 45 mins. And I will tell them in a calm voice it does not start until they sit still and are quiet....several times at regular intervals if necessary. I don't argue with them. I don't explain why their sitting there. I don't engage them at all, except to remind them the rules of time out. Once time out is over, then I explain what they did wrong. And yeah, with stubborn grandson......there was more than once he went over 30 mins just to start his Time Out session. But he got the idea. But I have a lot of parents tell me time out doesn't work.......but yeah. Nor did I use time out for everything either.....because it wears out after a while with over use. At 2 Travis drew on the walls with his sister easy child who was 4.......no time out, instead they were given cleaner and had to scrub the walls.......which was not fun after about the first minute or so. Fighting over a toy, the toy was removed from the situation and not introduced back until several hours later. A tantrum over something was a sure fire way to make certain you didn't get whatever it was you wanted. Grandson Darrin (8) has discovered that arguing over bedtime gets one put to bed a half hour earlier and conning a little brother to ask for a treat or to get to do something means you don't get it. But I'll be honest with you, reward charts didn't even work on my easy child. I think the person who thought those up was childless. ((hugs)) [/QUOTE]
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What could be wrong with my 3 year old, please help?
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