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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 622574" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I'm sorry, Albatross. I love it that you had this time of hope. You did nothing wrong. Loving our kids is such a pleasure, such a joy for us. I say take those good things, cherish that you laughed and hiked and had hope with and for him. If a bad time is coming, those are the memories that will matter. Not the pain and confusion you feel, now. </p><p></p><p>Whether it happens now, while we are still here, or later, after we are gone, I think that our certain conviction that our children are worth loving, whether we like what they do or not, will be a strength for them when they finally do battle with the source of their illnesses. Out of all the people in the world, we are the ones who know who they dreamed to be, when they were little. We are the ones who see the flash of innocence or kindness or humor, and fall in love with them all over again.</p><p></p><p>We're really good moms.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>We are the ones who know who they are and who they were meant to be. We are the ones with unshakable faith that they can beat this thing.</p><p></p><p>I think that when they see that, they believe it too.</p><p></p><p>But they have to choose that, Albi.</p><p></p><p>I've been thinking about fear and weakness and having come to believe that my children can't take it, won't make it, don't have what it takes.</p><p></p><p>What a crummy message for a mom to send.</p><p></p><p>So, I am working and working on that, this morning.</p><p></p><p>Cheesh, it just never ends.</p><p></p><p>But the kids are worth it, and I am worth it, and oh, boy ~ if I actually get that family I've always wanted to have? This will all seem like no big deal.</p><p></p><p>So, I am working pretty hard to see with clarity, to believe in my kids but not for them. I am working to change my own beliefs about where this is all going.</p><p></p><p>It's pretty hard.</p><p></p><p>Detachment is about learning to identify, and detach from, the enabling behaviors that helped our children slide so far into the rabbit hole. Detachment does not mean we don't wholeheartedly love them. It doesn't mean we can't see them, or that, if they choose the rabbit hole again, we have to, or have the right to, be angry or hateful about that.</p><p></p><p>They are battling something harder than we know.</p><p></p><p>Detachment is for us, Albi. In theory, our detaching allows the kids to see who they have become and to rise out of where their choices have taken them. In practice, it takes more than once for most of our kids. </p><p></p><p>Some of our kids will never get out of the rabbit hole.</p><p></p><p>That is when detachment becomes a survival skill, for us.</p><p></p><p>Your son is young. What you have tried in the past has not helped him. Detachment has given both you and your son a glimmer of hope. My take on it is to re-read the detachment information Recovering posted for us on the top of the PE thread. Hold strong with your husband that you had that wonderful time with your son, all of you together. Don't let anything bad color or change those memories, for you. Try really hard to remember that time may never have happened, had you and husband not changed how you responded to your son's pain.</p><p></p><p>Their pain is real, Albi. The consequences of their choices are real. But I think the truth of the matter is that there is no way to help them but to stay strong in our love for them. We need to really get it, on a gut level, that the journey back is going to be a tough one for everyone in the family. We can prepare for that, so it doesn't take us by surprise. We can believe for our children, when they slip, that they were indeed raised better, that they <u>are</u> strong enough...and that they don't need us to do anything at all but love them for their strength and believe they will make it through to the other side.</p><p></p><p>It is the situation that is wrong, Albi.</p><p></p><p>You did nothing wrong. Your son is fighting his way out of a really hard place. It is not going to be easy for him to turn things around.</p><p></p><p>But you cannot do it, for him.</p><p></p><p>I think your message to your son, loud and clear, should be that difficulties were to be expected, and that he is going to need to keep fighting if he wants to take his life in another direction. I would tell him that it is not going to be an easy thing, but that you know he can do it. </p><p></p><p>Albi? You can do this part, too. You can get through this day, this disappointment. </p><p></p><p>You can do it, Albi.</p><p></p><p>With strength and grace and courage, you <u>can</u> do this.</p><p></p><p>Posting helps me to be stronger than I knew I could be. Thank heaven we have this site and each other, Albi.</p><p></p><p>Believe him strong. Expect him strong. That is what I am going to try to change about how I think about my own children. They <u>are</u> strong enough.</p><p></p><p>It's a practice, to learn to change our thinking, I think.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 622574, member: 17461"] I'm sorry, Albatross. I love it that you had this time of hope. You did nothing wrong. Loving our kids is such a pleasure, such a joy for us. I say take those good things, cherish that you laughed and hiked and had hope with and for him. If a bad time is coming, those are the memories that will matter. Not the pain and confusion you feel, now. Whether it happens now, while we are still here, or later, after we are gone, I think that our certain conviction that our children are worth loving, whether we like what they do or not, will be a strength for them when they finally do battle with the source of their illnesses. Out of all the people in the world, we are the ones who know who they dreamed to be, when they were little. We are the ones who see the flash of innocence or kindness or humor, and fall in love with them all over again. We're really good moms. :O) We are the ones who know who they are and who they were meant to be. We are the ones with unshakable faith that they can beat this thing. I think that when they see that, they believe it too. But they have to choose that, Albi. I've been thinking about fear and weakness and having come to believe that my children can't take it, won't make it, don't have what it takes. What a crummy message for a mom to send. So, I am working and working on that, this morning. Cheesh, it just never ends. But the kids are worth it, and I am worth it, and oh, boy ~ if I actually get that family I've always wanted to have? This will all seem like no big deal. So, I am working pretty hard to see with clarity, to believe in my kids but not for them. I am working to change my own beliefs about where this is all going. It's pretty hard. Detachment is about learning to identify, and detach from, the enabling behaviors that helped our children slide so far into the rabbit hole. Detachment does not mean we don't wholeheartedly love them. It doesn't mean we can't see them, or that, if they choose the rabbit hole again, we have to, or have the right to, be angry or hateful about that. They are battling something harder than we know. Detachment is for us, Albi. In theory, our detaching allows the kids to see who they have become and to rise out of where their choices have taken them. In practice, it takes more than once for most of our kids. Some of our kids will never get out of the rabbit hole. That is when detachment becomes a survival skill, for us. Your son is young. What you have tried in the past has not helped him. Detachment has given both you and your son a glimmer of hope. My take on it is to re-read the detachment information Recovering posted for us on the top of the PE thread. Hold strong with your husband that you had that wonderful time with your son, all of you together. Don't let anything bad color or change those memories, for you. Try really hard to remember that time may never have happened, had you and husband not changed how you responded to your son's pain. Their pain is real, Albi. The consequences of their choices are real. But I think the truth of the matter is that there is no way to help them but to stay strong in our love for them. We need to really get it, on a gut level, that the journey back is going to be a tough one for everyone in the family. We can prepare for that, so it doesn't take us by surprise. We can believe for our children, when they slip, that they were indeed raised better, that they [U]are[/U] strong enough...and that they don't need us to do anything at all but love them for their strength and believe they will make it through to the other side. It is the situation that is wrong, Albi. You did nothing wrong. Your son is fighting his way out of a really hard place. It is not going to be easy for him to turn things around. But you cannot do it, for him. I think your message to your son, loud and clear, should be that difficulties were to be expected, and that he is going to need to keep fighting if he wants to take his life in another direction. I would tell him that it is not going to be an easy thing, but that you know he can do it. Albi? You can do this part, too. You can get through this day, this disappointment. You can do it, Albi. With strength and grace and courage, you [U]can[/U] do this. Posting helps me to be stronger than I knew I could be. Thank heaven we have this site and each other, Albi. Believe him strong. Expect him strong. That is what I am going to try to change about how I think about my own children. They [U]are[/U] strong enough. It's a practice, to learn to change our thinking, I think. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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