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What distance is safe?!
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 622625" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I'm so sorry you were brought up to be let down. This is something I noticed about difficult child behavior.</p><p></p><p>They can be doing really well, but it doesn't last, at least not right away (it CAN eventually last, but they have to really dig in their heels). They tend to have a low tolerance for a setback in their lives. They think, "Hey, I'm doing better and now the military won't take me and my boss fired me (we don't know why) and because of that why should I even try? The world is against me. I am no good. I quit!!! I'm going back to doing whatever I was doing before that got me into this mess because, after all, trying doesn't work." They just give up, and that would be ok if it was to sit and reflect, but they usually start to self-medicate as soon as they hit that setback. They have an inability to deal with disappointment and tend to throw their entire progress down the toilet if they experience a challenge.</p><p></p><p>A easy child can handle ups and downs that life throws at them, and make a negative into a positive. A difficult child doesn't, and goes on major destructive pity parties and we are not invited to help them. They will reject our help/advice or even blame us for what has happened.</p><p></p><p>And, yes, it can happen as fast as four days or four hours. difficult children need LOTS OF THERAPY to help them build coping skills that are inborn to some people. Having been a difficult child myself with that same mentality (although never used drugs), I know how hard I had to work on learning to cope with bad situations and setbacks. And I know 36 is the same way. </p><p></p><p>You didn't cause difficult child to have a setback. Life did it. Would have happened if you hadn't visited. He is not yet able to deal with disappointment by seeking helpful professionals, which he had access to in the halfway house, and he doesn't know how to do it himself.</p><p></p><p>Whatever you do, when your son is on an upswing, approach it in your own mind with caution. There is nothing wrong with cautious hope, but heavy on the cautious, at least for now. And don't ever blame yourself because the ball is now 100% in his court. He will continue to need therapists and life coaches to help him learn skills he lacks so that when life throws him a curveball, he can still move on in a positive way. It is VERY hard, long work to do this...one who knows here. </p><p></p><p>Ok, so I've never been a drug addict or even been drunk, but I have done things to make myself feel better that were self-destruction such as saying to myself, "Forget this! I'm buying myself some nice clothes even though this is our grocery money!" As a very young adult, I even shoplifted a few times, which mortified me (I did THIS?) and only made me more pouty and depressed and unable to function. There are times I barely functioned at all. There are times 36 drank too much (more familiar and I think he still does drink too much) and there were also times he could not function. </p><p></p><p>Your son has a long walk ahead of him. You can and should be mindful of his path in case he improves for a significant period of time and you can show him a certain level of support. But it is his own walk to take and he will take it HIS way and nobody knows where he will end up. </p><p></p><p>Never blame yourself when he deviates from that path to Somewhere. It is part of his journey and it is his footsteps taking the journey, not yours.</p><p></p><p>Gentle hugs and so sorry for the hurt in your mommy heart. Move on and try to have a serene and peaceful day. Don't overthink why your son did what he did. You aren't inside his disturbed mind and even if you asked him, he would probably just say something unhelpful such as, "Why even try? I give up." But he doesn't really know WHY he is giving up....for now. Doesn't mean he won't try again later and do better. I was in my mid-30s before my hard work started to pay off for me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 622625, member: 1550"] I'm so sorry you were brought up to be let down. This is something I noticed about difficult child behavior. They can be doing really well, but it doesn't last, at least not right away (it CAN eventually last, but they have to really dig in their heels). They tend to have a low tolerance for a setback in their lives. They think, "Hey, I'm doing better and now the military won't take me and my boss fired me (we don't know why) and because of that why should I even try? The world is against me. I am no good. I quit!!! I'm going back to doing whatever I was doing before that got me into this mess because, after all, trying doesn't work." They just give up, and that would be ok if it was to sit and reflect, but they usually start to self-medicate as soon as they hit that setback. They have an inability to deal with disappointment and tend to throw their entire progress down the toilet if they experience a challenge. A easy child can handle ups and downs that life throws at them, and make a negative into a positive. A difficult child doesn't, and goes on major destructive pity parties and we are not invited to help them. They will reject our help/advice or even blame us for what has happened. And, yes, it can happen as fast as four days or four hours. difficult children need LOTS OF THERAPY to help them build coping skills that are inborn to some people. Having been a difficult child myself with that same mentality (although never used drugs), I know how hard I had to work on learning to cope with bad situations and setbacks. And I know 36 is the same way. You didn't cause difficult child to have a setback. Life did it. Would have happened if you hadn't visited. He is not yet able to deal with disappointment by seeking helpful professionals, which he had access to in the halfway house, and he doesn't know how to do it himself. Whatever you do, when your son is on an upswing, approach it in your own mind with caution. There is nothing wrong with cautious hope, but heavy on the cautious, at least for now. And don't ever blame yourself because the ball is now 100% in his court. He will continue to need therapists and life coaches to help him learn skills he lacks so that when life throws him a curveball, he can still move on in a positive way. It is VERY hard, long work to do this...one who knows here. Ok, so I've never been a drug addict or even been drunk, but I have done things to make myself feel better that were self-destruction such as saying to myself, "Forget this! I'm buying myself some nice clothes even though this is our grocery money!" As a very young adult, I even shoplifted a few times, which mortified me (I did THIS?) and only made me more pouty and depressed and unable to function. There are times I barely functioned at all. There are times 36 drank too much (more familiar and I think he still does drink too much) and there were also times he could not function. Your son has a long walk ahead of him. You can and should be mindful of his path in case he improves for a significant period of time and you can show him a certain level of support. But it is his own walk to take and he will take it HIS way and nobody knows where he will end up. Never blame yourself when he deviates from that path to Somewhere. It is part of his journey and it is his footsteps taking the journey, not yours. Gentle hugs and so sorry for the hurt in your mommy heart. Move on and try to have a serene and peaceful day. Don't overthink why your son did what he did. You aren't inside his disturbed mind and even if you asked him, he would probably just say something unhelpful such as, "Why even try? I give up." But he doesn't really know WHY he is giving up....for now. Doesn't mean he won't try again later and do better. I was in my mid-30s before my hard work started to pay off for me. [/QUOTE]
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