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What do you do when your difficult child doesn't want help?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 311180" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Understanding how your child thinks and what his deficits and gifts are is pretty crucial, in my opinion.</p><p></p><p>He probably has a horrible time figuring out why he has to listen to teachers/principals/etc especially if they seem ignorant to him (or stupid, as our kids are more likely to phrase it). Wiz had some real problems with this. My mom finally got through to him by telling him it was a game. If you can figure out who is making and enforcing the rules and do enough to stay off their radar then you can get away with a LOT more.</p><p></p><p>It isn't a "nice" way to put it, but it made sense to my Aspie. Esp because he loves to put one over on an adult.</p><p></p><p>You are likely going to have to prioritize what circumstances you really want to battle on. Bear in mind that all the shirts and notebooks etc.... with the rude sayings do NOT help Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids at all. If it is OK to wear a shirt that says "You made me throw up a little" then why isn't it OK to tell Grandma that? </p><p></p><p>For a LONG time I would tell Wiz that he had to be "Grandma Polite" when we were at X or Y function/dr visit/whatever. My mom is a total manners nut. He is extremely close to my parents and often would do things for them that he would not for us. I had a short list of what "Gma Polite" meant. We talked about it before we left, on the way if it was a longish drive, and then again just before we got out of the car to walk in. </p><p></p><p>I did not use it often, probably not more than 3-5 times a month. It didn't work perfectly. If he was riled up or overtired or hungry then we would go home if he just wasn't capable of doing what we needed him to do. Or if one of us had to show up, the other parent would take Wiz (and other kids after they were born) and go to a park or somewhere to pass the time with-o bothering people.</p><p></p><p>If he did a great job I would often call my parents to brag. </p><p></p><p>This helped. He never really seemed to process/understand praise we told him. If we told it to someone else it seemed to matter. If we just told him then it didn't even exist. So I made excuses to call and brag every time I could.</p><p></p><p> I chose to look at outings as training. I would make sure I had $5-$10 in singles for tips and off we went. It might be a museum, grocery shopping, the farmer's market, almost anything. I let him know what I expected every time. If he was reasonable polite we did or bought some special thing. Never more than a dollar or two, often just an activity, but it trained us ALL. husband, Jessie and I were trained in how to not escalate him, to ignore other people, and to tip VERY well. Not just servers - I tipped cashiers, stock people, anyone who helped us. Wiz learned more socially correct behavior.</p><p></p><p>Once he was more motivated by $$$ I used the tip money to help motivate him. If he was polite to people then I didn't have to tip them (or me for having to deal with the situation). This meant he could have the $$ I set aside for tips. It was never more than $5 that he got, usually more like $1. I didn't tell him a number ahead of times. If I did, he would calculate how much he needed to buy whatever and then he would act poorly up to the point it would cut into his $$. This calculation is a major part of why I tipped myself and the rest of the family. If he could be that calculating then so could I. He also needed to learn we are people, not just extras in the movie of his life.</p><p></p><p>I hoep some of this helps. It is mostly stuff I figured out by trial and error, or my mom suggested, or I saw in a magazine or learned from other parents here on the board.</p><p></p><p>Most important is to develop that rhino skin armor. It really helps keep YOUR anger and frustration in check.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 311180, member: 1233"] Understanding how your child thinks and what his deficits and gifts are is pretty crucial, in my opinion. He probably has a horrible time figuring out why he has to listen to teachers/principals/etc especially if they seem ignorant to him (or stupid, as our kids are more likely to phrase it). Wiz had some real problems with this. My mom finally got through to him by telling him it was a game. If you can figure out who is making and enforcing the rules and do enough to stay off their radar then you can get away with a LOT more. It isn't a "nice" way to put it, but it made sense to my Aspie. Esp because he loves to put one over on an adult. You are likely going to have to prioritize what circumstances you really want to battle on. Bear in mind that all the shirts and notebooks etc.... with the rude sayings do NOT help Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids at all. If it is OK to wear a shirt that says "You made me throw up a little" then why isn't it OK to tell Grandma that? For a LONG time I would tell Wiz that he had to be "Grandma Polite" when we were at X or Y function/dr visit/whatever. My mom is a total manners nut. He is extremely close to my parents and often would do things for them that he would not for us. I had a short list of what "Gma Polite" meant. We talked about it before we left, on the way if it was a longish drive, and then again just before we got out of the car to walk in. I did not use it often, probably not more than 3-5 times a month. It didn't work perfectly. If he was riled up or overtired or hungry then we would go home if he just wasn't capable of doing what we needed him to do. Or if one of us had to show up, the other parent would take Wiz (and other kids after they were born) and go to a park or somewhere to pass the time with-o bothering people. If he did a great job I would often call my parents to brag. This helped. He never really seemed to process/understand praise we told him. If we told it to someone else it seemed to matter. If we just told him then it didn't even exist. So I made excuses to call and brag every time I could. I chose to look at outings as training. I would make sure I had $5-$10 in singles for tips and off we went. It might be a museum, grocery shopping, the farmer's market, almost anything. I let him know what I expected every time. If he was reasonable polite we did or bought some special thing. Never more than a dollar or two, often just an activity, but it trained us ALL. husband, Jessie and I were trained in how to not escalate him, to ignore other people, and to tip VERY well. Not just servers - I tipped cashiers, stock people, anyone who helped us. Wiz learned more socially correct behavior. Once he was more motivated by $$$ I used the tip money to help motivate him. If he was polite to people then I didn't have to tip them (or me for having to deal with the situation). This meant he could have the $$ I set aside for tips. It was never more than $5 that he got, usually more like $1. I didn't tell him a number ahead of times. If I did, he would calculate how much he needed to buy whatever and then he would act poorly up to the point it would cut into his $$. This calculation is a major part of why I tipped myself and the rest of the family. If he could be that calculating then so could I. He also needed to learn we are people, not just extras in the movie of his life. I hoep some of this helps. It is mostly stuff I figured out by trial and error, or my mom suggested, or I saw in a magazine or learned from other parents here on the board. Most important is to develop that rhino skin armor. It really helps keep YOUR anger and frustration in check. [/QUOTE]
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