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What do you do with the anger?
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<blockquote data-quote="hexemaus2" data-source="post: 397948" data-attributes="member: 4560"><p>Ya know, Witz, I hadn't thought of it this way until you posted...perhaps the reason I'm not detaching "enough" at this point is because of Rae. I am VERY involved with her, taking her at least a weekend a month, usually more often, to give my sister in law a break. I'm also the one on the other end of the phone when sister in law has to deal with difficult child 1 about Rae, then needs to vent to someone who understands. In a round-about way, that is keeping me involved in difficult child 1's life...albeit indirectly.</p><p> </p><p>I'm the one sister in law calls when she needs to scream and stomp and call difficult child 1 ugly names before the kids get off the bus. </p><p> </p><p>I'm the one sister in law calls when she's $30 short on the power bill, or is in a panic because her van blew YET ANOTHER tire, leaving her on the side of the road with no spare and kids in tow. </p><p> </p><p>I see how sister in law is struggling with her own family and financial issues, not including the added stress of taking on Rae. </p><p> </p><p>Don't get me wrong...she loves Rae as much as her own kids...she doesn't complain...but I see the struggles. I hear the worries. I know the financial strain she's under. So even though I'm not dealing directly with difficult child 1, I am having to deal with the trickle-down effect of the things she does/says/doesn't do, etc. </p><p> </p><p>Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about it. I'm the only one sister in law can call who doesn't tell her "and why did you voluntarily take all this on?" I know why she did it, and no matter how I feel about her personally, I'm grateful that she did. I couldn't. There's just no way. The only other option would have put Rae in foster care and I just couldn't live with that. If me being the one on the other end of the phone while sister in law vents is what it takes to make sure Rae is safe, happy, and with family that loves her, I'll gladly stock up on tums, go to therapy, and deal with difficult child 1 making me so darn angry I could spit nails. </p><p> </p><p>But now I think I understand why the anger isn't subsiding...even after a year and a half. Every time I see Rae and she calls me or sister in law "mama", every time I hear sister in law stressing over money, utility bills, car repairs, etc., it just pours salt in that open wound. It just makes me angry with difficult child all over again. Even though I'm sitting here thinking "but I'm NOT involved in her life...I stay as far from it as I can manage" I realize that my involvement with Rae keeps me indirectly involved with the seedier side of difficult child 1's life...all the things she's not doing to be a responsible, decent human being. Guess there's not much I can do about that. I sure won't give up Rae, nor will I give up being sister in law's sounding board when she needs it. I'll just have to figure out something to do with the nail-spitting angry junk difficult child 1 brings out in me as a result.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hexemaus2, post: 397948, member: 4560"] Ya know, Witz, I hadn't thought of it this way until you posted...perhaps the reason I'm not detaching "enough" at this point is because of Rae. I am VERY involved with her, taking her at least a weekend a month, usually more often, to give my sister in law a break. I'm also the one on the other end of the phone when sister in law has to deal with difficult child 1 about Rae, then needs to vent to someone who understands. In a round-about way, that is keeping me involved in difficult child 1's life...albeit indirectly. I'm the one sister in law calls when she needs to scream and stomp and call difficult child 1 ugly names before the kids get off the bus. I'm the one sister in law calls when she's $30 short on the power bill, or is in a panic because her van blew YET ANOTHER tire, leaving her on the side of the road with no spare and kids in tow. I see how sister in law is struggling with her own family and financial issues, not including the added stress of taking on Rae. Don't get me wrong...she loves Rae as much as her own kids...she doesn't complain...but I see the struggles. I hear the worries. I know the financial strain she's under. So even though I'm not dealing directly with difficult child 1, I am having to deal with the trickle-down effect of the things she does/says/doesn't do, etc. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about it. I'm the only one sister in law can call who doesn't tell her "and why did you voluntarily take all this on?" I know why she did it, and no matter how I feel about her personally, I'm grateful that she did. I couldn't. There's just no way. The only other option would have put Rae in foster care and I just couldn't live with that. If me being the one on the other end of the phone while sister in law vents is what it takes to make sure Rae is safe, happy, and with family that loves her, I'll gladly stock up on tums, go to therapy, and deal with difficult child 1 making me so darn angry I could spit nails. But now I think I understand why the anger isn't subsiding...even after a year and a half. Every time I see Rae and she calls me or sister in law "mama", every time I hear sister in law stressing over money, utility bills, car repairs, etc., it just pours salt in that open wound. It just makes me angry with difficult child all over again. Even though I'm sitting here thinking "but I'm NOT involved in her life...I stay as far from it as I can manage" I realize that my involvement with Rae keeps me indirectly involved with the seedier side of difficult child 1's life...all the things she's not doing to be a responsible, decent human being. Guess there's not much I can do about that. I sure won't give up Rae, nor will I give up being sister in law's sounding board when she needs it. I'll just have to figure out something to do with the nail-spitting angry junk difficult child 1 brings out in me as a result. [/QUOTE]
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