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What do you do with the anger?
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<blockquote data-quote="hexemaus2" data-source="post: 398030" data-attributes="member: 4560"><p>You have valid points, Toughlovin. I think I passed the "what could I have done differently" phase a long time ago, though. I know there's nothing anyone could have done differently or better, at this point. I may never make Mom of the Year, but I can honestly say that there's NOTHING we didn't try when it comes to helping difficult child 1. Therapy, medications, IFS, natural consequences, mentors, you name it...we tried everything available, short of shipping her off to boarding school or boot camp, although I tried that too. Unfortunately, the only programs she qualified for required her to be 16 or older. Once she hit 16, I started calling...only to have to revoke her enrollment when we found out she was pregnant with Rae. (If I hadn't been flying under the radar with arrangements...I would have suspected she got pregnant on purpose, but she never knew about the enrollment...I went so far as to go to my best friend's house to make calls, have enrollment info sent to her house, and made arrangements for difficult child's pick up away from the house.) Heck, we even moved 45 miles away from her old haunts to try to change her ability to make bad choices. It didn't help. Nothing did. She bit the hand of every single person who's EVER tried to help her. </p><p> </p><p>If I can't say anything else, I can at least say I know I tried everything available to us. It took me awhile to get to that point where I knew that, through and through to the marrow of my bones, and didn't feel the need to justify or defend myself in that regard. </p><p> </p><p>Now, it just disgusts me to see how she treats her child. Absolutely, completely disgusts me. If it were simply a matter of immaturity or lack of knowledge, I think I could get over it. But the level of her coldness, bitterness, nastiness, cruelty, and general behavior just turns my stomach. There is absolutely NO attachment to Rae...no mother's love of any kind. That's not immaturity...that's something else entirely. It sickens me. It really does. I wish I could chalk it up to drugs or drinking...but she was off everything for months before Rae was born and months after. (I know...she was glued to my hip or the hip of another adult at all times and the docs tested her regularly.) Something in her is just...broken somehow. I can't even feel sympathy for her in that regard, because she REFUSES to get any kind of help. Everything is someone else's fault. I didn't love her enough. I never taught her anything. difficult child 2's meltdowns caused it all. Her father's death caused it all. Nobody loves me. Nobody understands. </p><p> </p><p>What's sad is that at one point, she had planned to give Rae up...until her boyfriend-of-the-month and his mother found out she had a trust fund (albeit a small one.) Suddenly, they wanted to "take care of her and the baby." She even asked me to sign custody of her over to this kids' mother...after they had been dating less than a month! Suddenly, she wanted to keep the baby. She wanted to be a mom. Couldn't bear the thought of giving her up. Until I banned this kid AND his mom from coming anywhere NEAR my home or difficult child 1...under threat of restraining orders and criminal charges. (boyfriend's Mom was, without my permission, sneaking difficult child 1 off to some quack wiccan doctor she knew...trying to apply for state assistance for difficult child 1, stating she was homeless, etc. I don't care about the wiccan part...I have friends who are wiccan...but this quack didn't even have a license to practice medicine!) When difficult child 1 stopped seeing that kid, just a few weeks before Rae was born, her interest in parenthood started obviously wanning. </p><p> </p><p>When Rae was only 2 weeks old, difficult child 1 fell asleep on the couch with her. Rae rolled off onto the hardwood floor, hitting the coffee table on the way down. difficult child 1 wouldn't even pick up the phone to call the pediatrician! She was more worried about my being upset that she fell asleep with Rae on the couch and told me to stop yelling at her and telling her what to do. (I wasn't even yelling...yet...just telling her to get the doctor's number from the phone book or my cell while I checked Rae for injuries.) She wasn't the least bit concerned if Rae was okay...just that she was "always getting in trouble for not doing something right." ??? Ugh. I could tell horror stories about difficult child 1's lack of parental affection of any kind. Which just infuriates me all the more when she starts in with the "she's MY daughter" ****. Heck, she referred to Rae as "it" until just a few months ago. "It's MY child." "I carried it for nine months, not you." </p><p> </p><p>IT?? <strong><u>IT??</u></strong> "IT" has a name, darn it. "IT" is a living, breathing, human child with needs and feelings. She's not a bargaining chip, defense mechanism, or ticket to a free state ride. </p><p> </p><p>Ugh...I better go find something productive to do...my feathers are ruffling just <em>talking</em> about difficult child 1's lack of parental feelings of any kind.</p><p> </p><p>Yup...I think you guys have definitely helped me to nail down the source of my "just want to slap her" anger towards difficult child 1. It's most definitely my mom/grandma defensive reflex kicking in. Don't have a clue what to do about it...but I guess that's just something I'll have to find a way to work around.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hexemaus2, post: 398030, member: 4560"] You have valid points, Toughlovin. I think I passed the "what could I have done differently" phase a long time ago, though. I know there's nothing anyone could have done differently or better, at this point. I may never make Mom of the Year, but I can honestly say that there's NOTHING we didn't try when it comes to helping difficult child 1. Therapy, medications, IFS, natural consequences, mentors, you name it...we tried everything available, short of shipping her off to boarding school or boot camp, although I tried that too. Unfortunately, the only programs she qualified for required her to be 16 or older. Once she hit 16, I started calling...only to have to revoke her enrollment when we found out she was pregnant with Rae. (If I hadn't been flying under the radar with arrangements...I would have suspected she got pregnant on purpose, but she never knew about the enrollment...I went so far as to go to my best friend's house to make calls, have enrollment info sent to her house, and made arrangements for difficult child's pick up away from the house.) Heck, we even moved 45 miles away from her old haunts to try to change her ability to make bad choices. It didn't help. Nothing did. She bit the hand of every single person who's EVER tried to help her. If I can't say anything else, I can at least say I know I tried everything available to us. It took me awhile to get to that point where I knew that, through and through to the marrow of my bones, and didn't feel the need to justify or defend myself in that regard. Now, it just disgusts me to see how she treats her child. Absolutely, completely disgusts me. If it were simply a matter of immaturity or lack of knowledge, I think I could get over it. But the level of her coldness, bitterness, nastiness, cruelty, and general behavior just turns my stomach. There is absolutely NO attachment to Rae...no mother's love of any kind. That's not immaturity...that's something else entirely. It sickens me. It really does. I wish I could chalk it up to drugs or drinking...but she was off everything for months before Rae was born and months after. (I know...she was glued to my hip or the hip of another adult at all times and the docs tested her regularly.) Something in her is just...broken somehow. I can't even feel sympathy for her in that regard, because she REFUSES to get any kind of help. Everything is someone else's fault. I didn't love her enough. I never taught her anything. difficult child 2's meltdowns caused it all. Her father's death caused it all. Nobody loves me. Nobody understands. What's sad is that at one point, she had planned to give Rae up...until her boyfriend-of-the-month and his mother found out she had a trust fund (albeit a small one.) Suddenly, they wanted to "take care of her and the baby." She even asked me to sign custody of her over to this kids' mother...after they had been dating less than a month! Suddenly, she wanted to keep the baby. She wanted to be a mom. Couldn't bear the thought of giving her up. Until I banned this kid AND his mom from coming anywhere NEAR my home or difficult child 1...under threat of restraining orders and criminal charges. (boyfriend's Mom was, without my permission, sneaking difficult child 1 off to some quack wiccan doctor she knew...trying to apply for state assistance for difficult child 1, stating she was homeless, etc. I don't care about the wiccan part...I have friends who are wiccan...but this quack didn't even have a license to practice medicine!) When difficult child 1 stopped seeing that kid, just a few weeks before Rae was born, her interest in parenthood started obviously wanning. When Rae was only 2 weeks old, difficult child 1 fell asleep on the couch with her. Rae rolled off onto the hardwood floor, hitting the coffee table on the way down. difficult child 1 wouldn't even pick up the phone to call the pediatrician! She was more worried about my being upset that she fell asleep with Rae on the couch and told me to stop yelling at her and telling her what to do. (I wasn't even yelling...yet...just telling her to get the doctor's number from the phone book or my cell while I checked Rae for injuries.) She wasn't the least bit concerned if Rae was okay...just that she was "always getting in trouble for not doing something right." ??? Ugh. I could tell horror stories about difficult child 1's lack of parental affection of any kind. Which just infuriates me all the more when she starts in with the "she's MY daughter" ****. Heck, she referred to Rae as "it" until just a few months ago. "It's MY child." "I carried it for nine months, not you." IT?? [B][U]IT??[/U][/B] "IT" has a name, darn it. "IT" is a living, breathing, human child with needs and feelings. She's not a bargaining chip, defense mechanism, or ticket to a free state ride. Ugh...I better go find something productive to do...my feathers are ruffling just [I]talking[/I] about difficult child 1's lack of parental feelings of any kind. Yup...I think you guys have definitely helped me to nail down the source of my "just want to slap her" anger towards difficult child 1. It's most definitely my mom/grandma defensive reflex kicking in. Don't have a clue what to do about it...but I guess that's just something I'll have to find a way to work around. [/QUOTE]
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