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What do you do with the anger?
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 400741" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Hex, </p><p> </p><p>I think.....and have thought this is a little more involved than just being angry at your daughter. Or learning how to let go of the anger. I say this because ...because......(exhale sharply) because I didn't have anger I had rage. I had emotions built up inside of me so violent at one point I swear to you had I been allowed to be anywhere near the person I was "angry" at? I'm not sure what I would have done to that person if I had been given a chance at one point. Of course at first it was like grief. I mean people say there are stages to grief, and I'm all with that cliche', but anger? There are stages to anger? I just wasn't sure. I mean okay - you get angry with someone, or you are upset, or they keep doing something to you and you get out and out infuriated or you are gulliable, and you are red hot - but it's not like that. This was different. This was a mix of so many emotions I literally didn't know which way to go with what I felt. I was guilt, I was angry, I was rage, I was remorse, i was hurt, I was sadness like I'm sure anyone else can imagine - but not in my heart because it's mine. I was confused, I wanted revenge, I wanted eyes, I wanted knowledge I wanted - so many things....I was tired......I was ashamed, I was I mean my list just for one emotion seemed endles and just that? Just that wore me out and in the end? I didn't really know HOW to feel about anything anymore. </p><p> </p><p>With your sister? I hear between the lines - more than appreciation, more than understanding........I see so many more dynamics there - it's almost like you just wish she would come out and yell at you maybe for taking on this burden or blame YOU for this - once and for all so you could just have it out but no - she doesn't and I think maybe - maybe there's some guilt there for you - and there shouldn't be. I could be way off base. I dunno....Just sounds like you are holding her up so high for this wonderful deed......that it's somehow put you down....and why? You don't deserve to be any lower. You're wonderful. You should know that - maybe you've forgotten or maybe you think because of your daughter being (here) and your sister taking Rae that puts you (here)? No maam. Whether you see that or not - between the lines - I do. I'm not reading anything into that at all. </p><p> </p><p>Then you seem to have this enormous guilt about hating your kid. Well sister - join the club - (semi-snort) WHAT dear - is to like? What recently has she done or given you to really like about her? You don't have to tell me? But that's for you to figure out and build on. If there is nothing....nothing at all? Then distance yourself from her like Witz suggested. Doesn't have to be forever - but the sooner you start the easier it gets for YOU. Janet I think hit the nail on the head with what I thought to be a fairly accurate diagnosis (armchair style too) and wow - isnt' that a hard blow to deal with enough already? If that IS what she is? THAT in itself is hard enough how about giving yourself at least 5 years to just deal with that? But you can't you have other things - and unfortunately we have to move faster than most parents or get sucked under. That's why you have friends like us to tell you - GUESS WHAT HEX? There's nothing wrong with you - you're as normal as everyone else. There's no time limit on figuring this out, there's no right or wrong way to love your kid - but there are ways that your friends can bring to light things that you are doing to YOURSELF which are really being too hard on you - I try to remember if I was perfect I'd walk on water - and then laugh when it gets so cold outside that puddles freeze - cause even when I step on those? They crack. (and I'm still not technically walking on water) - so I've not beaten the game. Know what I mean?? </p><p> </p><p>YOU ARE.........a great Mom. A wonderful Grandma. A FANTASTIC friend. A PHENOMINAL wife. A SUPER DAUGHTER. For all I know - AN AWESOME NEIGHBOR......SUPERB DOG OWNER. and you need to tell yourself these positive affirmations every day. I'm A GREAT SISTER. See no where in there does it say - I'm not allergic to cryptonite - change in a phone booth, lift small planes, wear a cape - allthough if you desire to do the cape thing - I have a web site....or you can just use a sheet or a large towel ( oh I can't tell you how I know that) =but don't try to jump off your roof - it does not work. </p><p> </p><p>And just maybe........MAYBE when you give yourself permission to mess up - at least 50 times a day - ????? You'll be okay. </p><p>Give your kid the same permission too - just don't worry about how she's going to wake up tomorrow and fix HER messups - let that be HER life. </p><p>Give your sister the same permission - and let those things be HER life........</p><p>and so on.......</p><p>and so on....</p><p>and so on...</p><p>Just food for thought - from a very small kitchen.......</p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p><p> </p><p>oh and what did i do about the anger? rage? </p><p> </p><p>Well I started going to therapy.....and specifically dealt with anger management techniques....and all of them I use today. Some of them became habit - that I don't even realize I do because they are habit, and others I do when I get so angry - I can't see straight - and they really REALLY work well to calm, and allow me to gain control of myself, my situation and not allow anyone to control ME. INCLUDING my kids. No two situations are the same - but a lot of the same junk will happen with your kids - and when you see it coming and have done the same exercises in anger managment over and over? You start to know just by feel - when to walk away - and when to just literally put it in a bubble and mentally blow it away before it even gets to you. Not kidding. It becomes an "Oh uhh huh" moment. and you don't even think about it like an RRRRRR ARRRrrrrgh moment. THEN? It's wonderful. And when the kid walks away going rrrrrrr ARRRRRRRRRR you're like? Huh? Wonder what THAT was about? You start to realize anger management REALLY paid off.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 400741, member: 4964"] Hex, I think.....and have thought this is a little more involved than just being angry at your daughter. Or learning how to let go of the anger. I say this because ...because......(exhale sharply) because I didn't have anger I had rage. I had emotions built up inside of me so violent at one point I swear to you had I been allowed to be anywhere near the person I was "angry" at? I'm not sure what I would have done to that person if I had been given a chance at one point. Of course at first it was like grief. I mean people say there are stages to grief, and I'm all with that cliche', but anger? There are stages to anger? I just wasn't sure. I mean okay - you get angry with someone, or you are upset, or they keep doing something to you and you get out and out infuriated or you are gulliable, and you are red hot - but it's not like that. This was different. This was a mix of so many emotions I literally didn't know which way to go with what I felt. I was guilt, I was angry, I was rage, I was remorse, i was hurt, I was sadness like I'm sure anyone else can imagine - but not in my heart because it's mine. I was confused, I wanted revenge, I wanted eyes, I wanted knowledge I wanted - so many things....I was tired......I was ashamed, I was I mean my list just for one emotion seemed endles and just that? Just that wore me out and in the end? I didn't really know HOW to feel about anything anymore. With your sister? I hear between the lines - more than appreciation, more than understanding........I see so many more dynamics there - it's almost like you just wish she would come out and yell at you maybe for taking on this burden or blame YOU for this - once and for all so you could just have it out but no - she doesn't and I think maybe - maybe there's some guilt there for you - and there shouldn't be. I could be way off base. I dunno....Just sounds like you are holding her up so high for this wonderful deed......that it's somehow put you down....and why? You don't deserve to be any lower. You're wonderful. You should know that - maybe you've forgotten or maybe you think because of your daughter being (here) and your sister taking Rae that puts you (here)? No maam. Whether you see that or not - between the lines - I do. I'm not reading anything into that at all. Then you seem to have this enormous guilt about hating your kid. Well sister - join the club - (semi-snort) WHAT dear - is to like? What recently has she done or given you to really like about her? You don't have to tell me? But that's for you to figure out and build on. If there is nothing....nothing at all? Then distance yourself from her like Witz suggested. Doesn't have to be forever - but the sooner you start the easier it gets for YOU. Janet I think hit the nail on the head with what I thought to be a fairly accurate diagnosis (armchair style too) and wow - isnt' that a hard blow to deal with enough already? If that IS what she is? THAT in itself is hard enough how about giving yourself at least 5 years to just deal with that? But you can't you have other things - and unfortunately we have to move faster than most parents or get sucked under. That's why you have friends like us to tell you - GUESS WHAT HEX? There's nothing wrong with you - you're as normal as everyone else. There's no time limit on figuring this out, there's no right or wrong way to love your kid - but there are ways that your friends can bring to light things that you are doing to YOURSELF which are really being too hard on you - I try to remember if I was perfect I'd walk on water - and then laugh when it gets so cold outside that puddles freeze - cause even when I step on those? They crack. (and I'm still not technically walking on water) - so I've not beaten the game. Know what I mean?? YOU ARE.........a great Mom. A wonderful Grandma. A FANTASTIC friend. A PHENOMINAL wife. A SUPER DAUGHTER. For all I know - AN AWESOME NEIGHBOR......SUPERB DOG OWNER. and you need to tell yourself these positive affirmations every day. I'm A GREAT SISTER. See no where in there does it say - I'm not allergic to cryptonite - change in a phone booth, lift small planes, wear a cape - allthough if you desire to do the cape thing - I have a web site....or you can just use a sheet or a large towel ( oh I can't tell you how I know that) =but don't try to jump off your roof - it does not work. And just maybe........MAYBE when you give yourself permission to mess up - at least 50 times a day - ????? You'll be okay. Give your kid the same permission too - just don't worry about how she's going to wake up tomorrow and fix HER messups - let that be HER life. Give your sister the same permission - and let those things be HER life........ and so on....... and so on.... and so on... Just food for thought - from a very small kitchen....... Hugs & Love Star oh and what did i do about the anger? rage? Well I started going to therapy.....and specifically dealt with anger management techniques....and all of them I use today. Some of them became habit - that I don't even realize I do because they are habit, and others I do when I get so angry - I can't see straight - and they really REALLY work well to calm, and allow me to gain control of myself, my situation and not allow anyone to control ME. INCLUDING my kids. No two situations are the same - but a lot of the same junk will happen with your kids - and when you see it coming and have done the same exercises in anger managment over and over? You start to know just by feel - when to walk away - and when to just literally put it in a bubble and mentally blow it away before it even gets to you. Not kidding. It becomes an "Oh uhh huh" moment. and you don't even think about it like an RRRRRR ARRRrrrrgh moment. THEN? It's wonderful. And when the kid walks away going rrrrrrr ARRRRRRRRRR you're like? Huh? Wonder what THAT was about? You start to realize anger management REALLY paid off. [/QUOTE]
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