Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
What do you do with the anger?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="auntalva" data-source="post: 400814" data-attributes="member: 7210"><p>Hmm . . . the is a very interesting and important discussion. I would like to address two topics: the underlying cause of anger, and, getting distance (what others have called 'detaching'):</p><p> </p><p>I believe that ANGER is the outward sign of another emotion, and that emotion usually is <u>FEAR</u>. As parents of older teenagers or younger adults who have very challenging or dysfunctional behaviors, we might be:</p><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Afraid that the child will fail in life, or hurt herself or others</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Afraid that we have failed, we deserve some blame, have not been 'good-enough' parents</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Afraid that the child will continue to depend on us (financially, emotionally) and we will never get our own life back</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Afraid of being judged harshly, because the child doesn't display these behaviors outside the home</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Afraid of letting go</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Afraid of our feelings (for example: disliking our child; or, shame or humiliation)</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">and other fears</li> </ul><p>While of course there are strategies for 'managing' anger, I think it is most important that we do some self-examination and try to determine the precise nature of the underlying FEARS behind the anger. If we get help, possibly through therapy, counseling, or family or church support, we might find that there are flaws in our thinking and that many of these fears are unreasonable. Even fears that are reasonable can be dealt with in healthy ways, and our lives much improved if we <em>understand our own feelings</em> <u>and</u> accept things that we cannot change.</p><p> </p><p>Secondly, you must detach or 'get distance' between yourself and your grown child because it has become a <strong>toxic relationship</strong>. To borrow a page from the literature regarding abusive/co-dependent relationships, it can be said that stepping away from this child and her problems is a <em>responsible</em> choice for <u>your</u> <u>own</u> <u>health</u> and <u>well-being</u> (and others in your family) You will be choosing:</p><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">PEACE instead of turmoil (if this child has been making the home into a war zone)</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">DIGNITY over defamation (if this child has been spreading lies about you, or using abusive language toward you)</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">HONESTY instead of deceipt or manipulation</li> </ul><p>This assumes that you have done everything within your power to provide a wholesome "nurture" environment for your child, whether a natural child or adopted. Now it is time to let go, and allow the child to take responsibility for what happens next. After all, there is NO 'perfect' parent, you probably did the best you could, and it is unhealthy for everyone concerned if we continue to 'rescue' our grown children or allow them to place blame upon us. "Let go, and let God . . ."</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="auntalva, post: 400814, member: 7210"] Hmm . . . the is a very interesting and important discussion. I would like to address two topics: the underlying cause of anger, and, getting distance (what others have called 'detaching'): I believe that ANGER is the outward sign of another emotion, and that emotion usually is [U]FEAR[/U]. As parents of older teenagers or younger adults who have very challenging or dysfunctional behaviors, we might be: [LIST] [*]Afraid that the child will fail in life, or hurt herself or others [*]Afraid that we have failed, we deserve some blame, have not been 'good-enough' parents [*]Afraid that the child will continue to depend on us (financially, emotionally) and we will never get our own life back [*]Afraid of being judged harshly, because the child doesn't display these behaviors outside the home [*]Afraid of letting go [*]Afraid of our feelings (for example: disliking our child; or, shame or humiliation) [*]and other fears [/LIST]While of course there are strategies for 'managing' anger, I think it is most important that we do some self-examination and try to determine the precise nature of the underlying FEARS behind the anger. If we get help, possibly through therapy, counseling, or family or church support, we might find that there are flaws in our thinking and that many of these fears are unreasonable. Even fears that are reasonable can be dealt with in healthy ways, and our lives much improved if we [I]understand our own feelings[/I] [U]and[/U] accept things that we cannot change. Secondly, you must detach or 'get distance' between yourself and your grown child because it has become a [B]toxic relationship[/B]. To borrow a page from the literature regarding abusive/co-dependent relationships, it can be said that stepping away from this child and her problems is a [I]responsible[/I] choice for [U]your[/U] [U]own[/U] [U]health[/U] and [U]well-being[/U] (and others in your family) You will be choosing: [LIST] [*]PEACE instead of turmoil (if this child has been making the home into a war zone) [*]DIGNITY over defamation (if this child has been spreading lies about you, or using abusive language toward you) [*]HONESTY instead of deceipt or manipulation [/LIST]This assumes that you have done everything within your power to provide a wholesome "nurture" environment for your child, whether a natural child or adopted. Now it is time to let go, and allow the child to take responsibility for what happens next. After all, there is NO 'perfect' parent, you probably did the best you could, and it is unhealthy for everyone concerned if we continue to 'rescue' our grown children or allow them to place blame upon us. "Let go, and let God . . ." [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
What do you do with the anger?
Top