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<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 131519" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>Mikey,</p><p></p><p>Here is a list of Detachment phrases from the PE archive:</p><p><a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=685" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=685</a></p><p></p><p>Keep in mind that detachment does NOT mean abandoning. You can continue to be a loving husband and father, and be involved in your family's lives. What it means is refusing to be drawn into a situation that is not of your making, and over which you have no control.</p><p></p><p>It means that you take whatever steps are required to protect the rest of your family from the destructive effects of McW and wife.</p><p></p><p>Robby recommended cancelling credit cards, opening a new bank account etc. All very good ideas. If there are other things you can do (removing ALL of McW's financial support, removing access to any luxuries or privileges that come with behaving properly, etc.) then do them.</p><p></p><p>Support your other son and your daughter, and perhaps get them involved in Alanon, Narcanon, Alateen, etc. so that they can get the support from others who have an addicted family member and know what they're going through.</p><p></p><p>When your wife is beating up on you for not doing things her way, take a stance clearly and calmly and then walk away. If she says, "You always leave me to handle the hard stuff", then reply, "And you know that I will back you up on whatever you decide to do." Then walk away.</p><p></p><p>If your wife starts heaping abuse on you, tell her "I will not have you speak to me that way. If you cannot speak to me civilly, then I don't want to hear from you right now." and then walk away.</p><p></p><p>It means establishing clear boundaries about what you will and will not put up with.</p><p>It means being rock-solid-consistent in what you say and do.</p><p>It means respecting and loving yourself enough to not accept bad treatment at the hands of others, especially others you love</p><p>It means providing support and help WHEN your difficult child or wife has taken the first steps in the direction of helping themselves, and not a moment sooner.</p><p></p><p>Until they are ready to stop the chaotic and unhealthy dynamic they have going between them, there is nothing you can do about it. What you can do is establish the standard for how people treat YOU.</p><p></p><p>Keep in mind too, that right now you and wife are modeling for your daughter what a relationship looks like. If you treat yourself with respect then that will give Dancer permission to treat herself with respect too.</p><p></p><p>My heart breaks for her in this situation.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 131519, member: 3907"] Mikey, Here is a list of Detachment phrases from the PE archive: [url]http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=685[/url] Keep in mind that detachment does NOT mean abandoning. You can continue to be a loving husband and father, and be involved in your family's lives. What it means is refusing to be drawn into a situation that is not of your making, and over which you have no control. It means that you take whatever steps are required to protect the rest of your family from the destructive effects of McW and wife. Robby recommended cancelling credit cards, opening a new bank account etc. All very good ideas. If there are other things you can do (removing ALL of McW's financial support, removing access to any luxuries or privileges that come with behaving properly, etc.) then do them. Support your other son and your daughter, and perhaps get them involved in Alanon, Narcanon, Alateen, etc. so that they can get the support from others who have an addicted family member and know what they're going through. When your wife is beating up on you for not doing things her way, take a stance clearly and calmly and then walk away. If she says, "You always leave me to handle the hard stuff", then reply, "And you know that I will back you up on whatever you decide to do." Then walk away. If your wife starts heaping abuse on you, tell her "I will not have you speak to me that way. If you cannot speak to me civilly, then I don't want to hear from you right now." and then walk away. It means establishing clear boundaries about what you will and will not put up with. It means being rock-solid-consistent in what you say and do. It means respecting and loving yourself enough to not accept bad treatment at the hands of others, especially others you love It means providing support and help WHEN your difficult child or wife has taken the first steps in the direction of helping themselves, and not a moment sooner. Until they are ready to stop the chaotic and unhealthy dynamic they have going between them, there is nothing you can do about it. What you can do is establish the standard for how people treat YOU. Keep in mind too, that right now you and wife are modeling for your daughter what a relationship looks like. If you treat yourself with respect then that will give Dancer permission to treat herself with respect too. My heart breaks for her in this situation. [/QUOTE]
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