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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 597359" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>We all find ways to survive the trauma of our children's choices, all of the comments on this post are borne out of our undeniable love for them and our desire to be able to keep a connection, as Signorina said, we are mothers, we do our best and that's enough. However we do it, is the right choice, the one which keeps our heart connected, keeps our mind in a safe mode, keeps our fears as far away as we can keep them.</p><p></p><p>Yes Barbara there is an enormous difference between having faith in a purpose and denying reality, the latter being what makes us crazy. My reality is what it is, I can't change it, however, I can make small choices that soothe my own powerlessness, understanding that the powerlessness does continue, but I controlled it for just that moment and it soothed my fears. You gave her $30, others give cell phones, I left some money for my daughter on my back porch with a bunch of sleeping bags...............just in case............it felt right and allowed me to leave town a little easier..............we do what we do, when we do it, for as long as we do it............until we don't. I often go back to remember a therapist saying that the difference between love and codependency is with love there is no resentment. Makes sense to me. I don't feel any of the resentments I felt last year when I was paying for everything, not only financially, but emotionally. Now each time is a choice I make, not a way of being. I go with what feels right to me, I think after awhile, those lines get clearer, so we aren't enabling them in their negative behaviors, we are loving them. That distinction is an important one for us to make and at least for me, made it easier on me, each situation calls for different action and I believe when WE are more clear about our parts in it (the shame you speak of, for instance) these choices become less traumatic as we learn to distinguish our own 'stuff' from theirs. </p><p></p><p>This is one tough road, every one of our stories is a heart-breaker.............knowing we're not alone is a life-saver............I'm in that same boat with you Barbara and it is so clear that <em>we need a bigger boat.....</em>.....</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 597359, member: 13542"] We all find ways to survive the trauma of our children's choices, all of the comments on this post are borne out of our undeniable love for them and our desire to be able to keep a connection, as Signorina said, we are mothers, we do our best and that's enough. However we do it, is the right choice, the one which keeps our heart connected, keeps our mind in a safe mode, keeps our fears as far away as we can keep them. Yes Barbara there is an enormous difference between having faith in a purpose and denying reality, the latter being what makes us crazy. My reality is what it is, I can't change it, however, I can make small choices that soothe my own powerlessness, understanding that the powerlessness does continue, but I controlled it for just that moment and it soothed my fears. You gave her $30, others give cell phones, I left some money for my daughter on my back porch with a bunch of sleeping bags...............just in case............it felt right and allowed me to leave town a little easier..............we do what we do, when we do it, for as long as we do it............until we don't. I often go back to remember a therapist saying that the difference between love and codependency is with love there is no resentment. Makes sense to me. I don't feel any of the resentments I felt last year when I was paying for everything, not only financially, but emotionally. Now each time is a choice I make, not a way of being. I go with what feels right to me, I think after awhile, those lines get clearer, so we aren't enabling them in their negative behaviors, we are loving them. That distinction is an important one for us to make and at least for me, made it easier on me, each situation calls for different action and I believe when WE are more clear about our parts in it (the shame you speak of, for instance) these choices become less traumatic as we learn to distinguish our own 'stuff' from theirs. This is one tough road, every one of our stories is a heart-breaker.............knowing we're not alone is a life-saver............I'm in that same boat with you Barbara and it is so clear that [I]we need a bigger boat.....[/I]..... [/QUOTE]
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