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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 597408" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>"I would have to choose the knowing."</p><p></p><p>You are right, everywoman. It is better to know.</p><p></p><p>But I DO resent. There is some howling, red-eyed part of me that just HATES that this happened. </p><p></p><p>I hate it that difficult child calls these people her family, when her real family is reeling from the choices she made, and continues to make.</p><p> </p><p>I keep turning a corner and being confronted with that nightmare feeling. I suppose the urgent need to find a fix for it somewhere helps me throw up a barrier between the intensity of those feelings and me. But then, I feel like the money makes it seem like we are supporting difficult child in what she has done and is doing. I feel like a sap, when she gets in to a worse place and still wants us to send money, to take care of her things, to listen to her children cry.... </p><p></p><p>To try to help them figure out some way to go on from here, when I don't know how to do this, myself.</p><p></p><p>Well, there you are, then. There is no way this could be an easy process. I am entitled to hope for, and to believe in, something better.</p><p></p><p>I don't seem to have a choice about hating that it is what it is. I do hate it. I am ashamed of it. I wish with all my heart that it never happened. And I am so angry that it did, that every single thing has been lost or destroyed.</p><p></p><p>Except for whatever is left in that stupid storage unit.</p><p></p><p>Which explains why I react the way I do about that, I suppose.</p><p></p><p>However difficult child's children (most especially, her daughters, who need her so much right now) get through this, they will get through it better because of whatever we can do for them than they would have, without us.</p><p></p><p>We love them. We are doing what we know to do.</p><p></p><p>And that will have to be enough.</p><p></p><p>But I feel inadequate. My heart aches for them.</p><p></p><p>And I am so angry.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 597408, member: 1721"] "I would have to choose the knowing." You are right, everywoman. It is better to know. But I DO resent. There is some howling, red-eyed part of me that just HATES that this happened. I hate it that difficult child calls these people her family, when her real family is reeling from the choices she made, and continues to make. I keep turning a corner and being confronted with that nightmare feeling. I suppose the urgent need to find a fix for it somewhere helps me throw up a barrier between the intensity of those feelings and me. But then, I feel like the money makes it seem like we are supporting difficult child in what she has done and is doing. I feel like a sap, when she gets in to a worse place and still wants us to send money, to take care of her things, to listen to her children cry.... To try to help them figure out some way to go on from here, when I don't know how to do this, myself. Well, there you are, then. There is no way this could be an easy process. I am entitled to hope for, and to believe in, something better. I don't seem to have a choice about hating that it is what it is. I do hate it. I am ashamed of it. I wish with all my heart that it never happened. And I am so angry that it did, that every single thing has been lost or destroyed. Except for whatever is left in that stupid storage unit. Which explains why I react the way I do about that, I suppose. However difficult child's children (most especially, her daughters, who need her so much right now) get through this, they will get through it better because of whatever we can do for them than they would have, without us. We love them. We are doing what we know to do. And that will have to be enough. But I feel inadequate. My heart aches for them. And I am so angry. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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