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What does detachment look like to you?
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 613692" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>That's what I'm trying to figure out too, ICD. </p><p></p><p>In my thinking, when I get "there" I will be able to see what is happening without judging either myself or my kids for where they are, or for where they are going or not going. </p><p></p><p>That is an important piece. </p><p></p><p>I think it might be the key piece in accomplishing what we call detachment. </p><p></p><p>Scott G brought that up in his response to a thread in SA. He said something about accepting that his son is doing what he is doing, and about accepting that he may be doing that forever <u>without judging him.</u> That is huge in accepting the outcome, I think. I am so horrified at what my kids do and who they do it with and why they do it that most of the time, I feel like that lady in Caddy Shack. You know, the one who orders all the caddies out of the pool and has it bleached because she thinks one of the caddies did something bad in the water?</p><p></p><p>That's me.</p><p></p><p>And I mean, it's sort of funny that I feel so offended, so horribly shocked at some of the things they do? But it's not really, because agonizing over what the kids have been up to lately has taken over my life for a really long time. In so many ways, I feel ashamed and somehow, offended, that these are the people I contributed to the world.</p><p></p><p>There is another key, another internal belief that keeps me hooked into trying to change the kids. I don't want this to be my contribution.</p><p></p><p>****</p><p></p><p>So, "there" would be a place where our primary energies are devoted, as they should be once our children are adults, to our <u>own</u> curiosities and concerns. </p><p></p><p>No more ordering everyone out of the pool so I can clean it up. If they want to do bad things in the water, then they can swim in it all they like.</p><p></p><p>**************</p><p></p><p>But in posting to you, I realize how much of what husband and I try to do has to do with changing what my kids are likely to contribute to making the world better ~ how much those dreams we harbor when we are raising our children still affect me. I really am horrified at what my kids are doing, at who they've become.</p><p></p><p>Who would have thought it?</p><p></p><p>I am really ashamed. I feel like I have a responsibility to fix it because these are my kids, my contribution to the world.</p><p></p><p>*****</p><p></p><p>Our children's lives will be peripheral to us, once we get "there". I think that is how it feels when the people you love are happily doing well. You can let go of them. When those we love suffer, the natural thing is not to just turn away and stop thinking about them. But when the kids are continually in trouble, it becomes a question of how much of our life energy, how much of our strength and youth and treasure we are going to give over to them with nothing, absolutely nothing, to show for it.</p><p></p><p>That is what husband and I say every time we have gone that extra mile to help either one of our kids. That the worst of it is that all that time, energy, and treasure is gone and there is nothing, nothing at all, not even joy or the satisfaction of a job well done, to show for it.</p><p></p><p>We are just poorer, tireder, more disillusioned, more resentful.</p><p></p><p>Time can never be recovered.</p><p></p><p>All that time, all those nights spent fighting or crying or numb.</p><p></p><p>So, we decide to learn how to extract ourselves from an endless treadmill of repetitive drama that isn't even all that dramatic anymore and yet, endlessly and again, demands our time, energy, strength and treasure. </p><p></p><p>I'm thinking it has to do with admitting how ugly so much of it has been, how pointlessly, endlessly, ugly. We allow things from our children and extended families that we would not even consider, had it come from anywhere else.</p><p></p><p>On the other hand...oh, whatever. I'm still pretty confused about everything, too.</p><p></p><p>We'll get it. I am seeing where I need to get to a little more clearly with every question, with every layer I peel back. Recovering's Thanksgiving post is really helpful in understanding how to let go of outcome, ICD. If you haven't read that one yet, that would be a good one. </p><p></p><p>Also, Scott G's response to me on the detachment/update thread.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 613692, member: 1721"] That's what I'm trying to figure out too, ICD. In my thinking, when I get "there" I will be able to see what is happening without judging either myself or my kids for where they are, or for where they are going or not going. That is an important piece. I think it might be the key piece in accomplishing what we call detachment. Scott G brought that up in his response to a thread in SA. He said something about accepting that his son is doing what he is doing, and about accepting that he may be doing that forever [U]without judging him.[/U] That is huge in accepting the outcome, I think. I am so horrified at what my kids do and who they do it with and why they do it that most of the time, I feel like that lady in Caddy Shack. You know, the one who orders all the caddies out of the pool and has it bleached because she thinks one of the caddies did something bad in the water? That's me. And I mean, it's sort of funny that I feel so offended, so horribly shocked at some of the things they do? But it's not really, because agonizing over what the kids have been up to lately has taken over my life for a really long time. In so many ways, I feel ashamed and somehow, offended, that these are the people I contributed to the world. There is another key, another internal belief that keeps me hooked into trying to change the kids. I don't want this to be my contribution. **** So, "there" would be a place where our primary energies are devoted, as they should be once our children are adults, to our [U]own[/U] curiosities and concerns. No more ordering everyone out of the pool so I can clean it up. If they want to do bad things in the water, then they can swim in it all they like. ************** But in posting to you, I realize how much of what husband and I try to do has to do with changing what my kids are likely to contribute to making the world better ~ how much those dreams we harbor when we are raising our children still affect me. I really am horrified at what my kids are doing, at who they've become. Who would have thought it? I am really ashamed. I feel like I have a responsibility to fix it because these are my kids, my contribution to the world. ***** Our children's lives will be peripheral to us, once we get "there". I think that is how it feels when the people you love are happily doing well. You can let go of them. When those we love suffer, the natural thing is not to just turn away and stop thinking about them. But when the kids are continually in trouble, it becomes a question of how much of our life energy, how much of our strength and youth and treasure we are going to give over to them with nothing, absolutely nothing, to show for it. That is what husband and I say every time we have gone that extra mile to help either one of our kids. That the worst of it is that all that time, energy, and treasure is gone and there is nothing, nothing at all, not even joy or the satisfaction of a job well done, to show for it. We are just poorer, tireder, more disillusioned, more resentful. Time can never be recovered. All that time, all those nights spent fighting or crying or numb. So, we decide to learn how to extract ourselves from an endless treadmill of repetitive drama that isn't even all that dramatic anymore and yet, endlessly and again, demands our time, energy, strength and treasure. I'm thinking it has to do with admitting how ugly so much of it has been, how pointlessly, endlessly, ugly. We allow things from our children and extended families that we would not even consider, had it come from anywhere else. On the other hand...oh, whatever. I'm still pretty confused about everything, too. We'll get it. I am seeing where I need to get to a little more clearly with every question, with every layer I peel back. Recovering's Thanksgiving post is really helpful in understanding how to let go of outcome, ICD. If you haven't read that one yet, that would be a good one. Also, Scott G's response to me on the detachment/update thread. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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