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What does detachment look like to you?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 617860" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>That does seem to be the turning point. Before we can reach it, we have to pierce through that part of us that sees them as children, that part that feels responsible for what they do. I am not sure whether that part is an ego problem with the parent or whether we just slip into it over time with a kid going a wrong way?</p><p></p><p>Or maybe, what we slip into is denial. As you posted, when we clearly see that the child is an adult, we do not feel responsible.</p><p></p><p>We have to see the kids as adults, just like us. Once we do (if we can) see them as adults, as people making choices about who and how they will be in their lives just like we have to do...then we are free.</p><p></p><p>Or at least, we can see what freedom looks like, can see how it would feel, to be free.</p><p></p><p>So, the ultimate harm in enabling is that, unless he has the strength to rebel, to tell the hovering parent to back off, the adult child is forced to continue in the role of hapless child to the parent's martyred glorification. </p><p></p><p>No wonder there is so much anger buried on both sides.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>Additionally, that phrase about thinking about how it affects you, not him, works for every single thing in life. For those too empathic, it is a key to healthy outlook on every level. </p><p></p><p>But it is very, very hard work to get there.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 617860, member: 17461"] That does seem to be the turning point. Before we can reach it, we have to pierce through that part of us that sees them as children, that part that feels responsible for what they do. I am not sure whether that part is an ego problem with the parent or whether we just slip into it over time with a kid going a wrong way? Or maybe, what we slip into is denial. As you posted, when we clearly see that the child is an adult, we do not feel responsible. We have to see the kids as adults, just like us. Once we do (if we can) see them as adults, as people making choices about who and how they will be in their lives just like we have to do...then we are free. Or at least, we can see what freedom looks like, can see how it would feel, to be free. So, the ultimate harm in enabling is that, unless he has the strength to rebel, to tell the hovering parent to back off, the adult child is forced to continue in the role of hapless child to the parent's martyred glorification. No wonder there is so much anger buried on both sides. Cedar Additionally, that phrase about thinking about how it affects you, not him, works for every single thing in life. For those too empathic, it is a key to healthy outlook on every level. But it is very, very hard work to get there. [/QUOTE]
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What does detachment look like to you?
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