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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 481826" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>OK, klmno, in my little universe, those kinds of statements translated to "If it takes too much effort to follow the rules like everyone else in the community and I decide to quit, I'm just letting you know up front my excuses." Cynical - sorry.</p><p></p><p>I think there are kernels of truth in there. I'm sure there are valid worries about fitting in. He's really managed to make a mess out of things and I think he very reasonably has fears about messing things up again. But I'm going to call bologna on the "I'm institutionalized, it's the only way I know how to live" fertilizer. I don't recall you dropping him of at DOJ's doorstep on the way home from giving birth to him. You've worked your posterior off to provide him a good home and give him every opportunity you could. His choices, his total lack of impulse control and respect for your person, to say nothing of your home, has resulted in his situation. Quite frankly, using the institutionalization card at his young age and after his comparatively short period of time locked up (I did say comparatively), it's nothing more than a cop out, and I'd call him on it fast and hard. Ditto the "I don't know if it's worth it" thing. Puleez.</p><p></p><p>I know I keep saying this to you, and I apologize, but you need to put this back on his shoulders. Not every kid who has been in long-term Residential Treatment Center (RTC)/DOJ ends up "institutionalized" beyond salvage. Yes, there may be some quirks and absolutely there are some adjustments, but it's not insurmountable by any stretch of the imagination. I think probably the most important thing for him to understand is that <strong>people want to see him succeed.</strong> You, his PO, his teachers. No one *wants* for him to end up in a revolving door in and out of the system. There are people who will help him, if he asks for it. And he has to learn to ask. Every adult in the world had to learn to do that - he's no different. Success isn't going to be handed to him on a silver platter, but it's not going to be ripped from his hands if he's putting in honest work. </p><p></p><p>He has to decide what he's going to do with his life. Does he want freedom and the ability to do all the things he's missed out on? Is he willing to work to catch up and then move forward? Does he want the opportunity to live up to his potential, which I gather is actually pretty impressive? Or does he want to quit and take the easy way out? His choice. You cannot make it for him. No one can. It really is completely on him now, klmno.</p><p></p><p>I don't mean to discount his valid worries, but if he lets those rule his choices, or if a fear of success cripples him before he even gets started (been there done that with- thank you), then.... the battle is just that much harder. in my humble opinion. It's really a fine line - supporting him, validating honest concerns, helping him develop tools to deal with his unique worries, but also being strong enough to let him know when he's just quitting, and knowing that if that is what he chooses to do, your heartbroken hands are tied. </p><p></p><p>I think the faster you can get a concrete success under his belt (before he has the opportunity to sabotage it), the better. I don't know what it might be in your son's case. In thank you's, it was getting the GED and performing so darn well on it. We had to wait for him to be ready, and we had to hold his hand and help him follow thru, but that seems to have broken the dam. He's doing really well in his first semester at college, and he's doing it on his own. I'm not the homework police. But that GED? It was the first positive thing he'd accomplished in ... I don't know how long - a decade? To put himself out there, really try, and then to succeed and to *not* have it feel horrible to him? It was a huge step.</p><p></p><p>He's a big boy now, almost an "adult". He needs to keep his eye on the prize - the one *he* chooses. Whatever hoops he has to jump thru, wherever he has to do the jumping, he needs to get it done and over and put this chapter of his life behind him. He absolutely has the ability to do it. </p><p></p><p>Hugs to you - this age was by far the most excruciating age (so far) to be a difficult child's parent.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 481826, member: 8"] OK, klmno, in my little universe, those kinds of statements translated to "If it takes too much effort to follow the rules like everyone else in the community and I decide to quit, I'm just letting you know up front my excuses." Cynical - sorry. I think there are kernels of truth in there. I'm sure there are valid worries about fitting in. He's really managed to make a mess out of things and I think he very reasonably has fears about messing things up again. But I'm going to call bologna on the "I'm institutionalized, it's the only way I know how to live" fertilizer. I don't recall you dropping him of at DOJ's doorstep on the way home from giving birth to him. You've worked your posterior off to provide him a good home and give him every opportunity you could. His choices, his total lack of impulse control and respect for your person, to say nothing of your home, has resulted in his situation. Quite frankly, using the institutionalization card at his young age and after his comparatively short period of time locked up (I did say comparatively), it's nothing more than a cop out, and I'd call him on it fast and hard. Ditto the "I don't know if it's worth it" thing. Puleez. I know I keep saying this to you, and I apologize, but you need to put this back on his shoulders. Not every kid who has been in long-term Residential Treatment Center (RTC)/DOJ ends up "institutionalized" beyond salvage. Yes, there may be some quirks and absolutely there are some adjustments, but it's not insurmountable by any stretch of the imagination. I think probably the most important thing for him to understand is that [B]people want to see him succeed.[/B] You, his PO, his teachers. No one *wants* for him to end up in a revolving door in and out of the system. There are people who will help him, if he asks for it. And he has to learn to ask. Every adult in the world had to learn to do that - he's no different. Success isn't going to be handed to him on a silver platter, but it's not going to be ripped from his hands if he's putting in honest work. He has to decide what he's going to do with his life. Does he want freedom and the ability to do all the things he's missed out on? Is he willing to work to catch up and then move forward? Does he want the opportunity to live up to his potential, which I gather is actually pretty impressive? Or does he want to quit and take the easy way out? His choice. You cannot make it for him. No one can. It really is completely on him now, klmno. I don't mean to discount his valid worries, but if he lets those rule his choices, or if a fear of success cripples him before he even gets started (been there done that with- thank you), then.... the battle is just that much harder. in my humble opinion. It's really a fine line - supporting him, validating honest concerns, helping him develop tools to deal with his unique worries, but also being strong enough to let him know when he's just quitting, and knowing that if that is what he chooses to do, your heartbroken hands are tied. I think the faster you can get a concrete success under his belt (before he has the opportunity to sabotage it), the better. I don't know what it might be in your son's case. In thank you's, it was getting the GED and performing so darn well on it. We had to wait for him to be ready, and we had to hold his hand and help him follow thru, but that seems to have broken the dam. He's doing really well in his first semester at college, and he's doing it on his own. I'm not the homework police. But that GED? It was the first positive thing he'd accomplished in ... I don't know how long - a decade? To put himself out there, really try, and then to succeed and to *not* have it feel horrible to him? It was a huge step. He's a big boy now, almost an "adult". He needs to keep his eye on the prize - the one *he* chooses. Whatever hoops he has to jump thru, wherever he has to do the jumping, he needs to get it done and over and put this chapter of his life behind him. He absolutely has the ability to do it. Hugs to you - this age was by far the most excruciating age (so far) to be a difficult child's parent. [/QUOTE]
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