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What happens after the wars are over?
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 524118" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>I don't know if this will be helpful - but this is what I went through after the "war". </p><p></p><p>Where there was no turmoil? I created it. </p><p>Where there were no battles of words? I picked and picked until I got a verbal altercation. </p><p>Where there was no stress? I found ways to stress myself. </p><p>Where there was no emotional fall out - I had it because I created turmoil, I got verbal with almost anyone, and I had created my own stressy-hell. </p><p>I saved more pets, because it created more drama too - and actually for someone so solitary and very private and I mean VERY - I found myself trying to give advice to everyone about <u><strong>everything</strong></u> - and it was annoying. You think you're helping -filling a void in your own life and all you're doing is alienating a lot of people and don't realize it. I have had so many bizzare life experiences and so many things go on in my life that exposed me to so much more than I would say most people by anyones count - I just wanted to help. I didn't realize I was a problem junkie. </p><p></p><p>Sounds REEEEEEEEEDICULOUS doesn't it? Nope. Sounds N.O.R.M.A.L. in my house - or rather what I was USED to. </p><p>Think about it. </p><p></p><p>All these years I had MAJOR stress, anxiety, trauma, and lived a life that few people would ever understand and some wouldn't have survived. I got lucky, I got out. Then I took my son, hid and figured life would be great and it wasn't. It was almost worse without beatings and torture. So the "IT" factor was what I lived on until I had a stroke, and literally driving down the road one day started laughing at a bumper sticker that said (AND I SWEAR IT DID) REAL MEN LOVE CHEESES. It said in actuality Real Men Love Jesus. The laughing like that? Like people you see in insane asylums in the movies all that crazy laughing? You know what that really is? It's the body's way of protecting itself before the cheese really DOES slide off your cracker (right hand up) Because it scared my DF and son SO badly - DF pulled off the side of the road and was about to pull me out of the car and literally slap my face to get me back into reality. There was nothing funny about the bumper sticker. They saw Real Men Love Jesus. I saw Real Men Love Cheeses. I'd been dealing with a son in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that had just gotten out of a locked psychiatric hospital for six months, and it did no good - and before that about ohhhh I dunno eight others, my son was now a convicted felon for burglary and conspiracy awaiting trial, and in the mean time? We moved him to a boys home, he got his jaw BROKEN in 1/2, he had to have emergency surgery - the place didn't take him to the hospital - they choked him. WE went and got hm, they threatened to sue US...for trying to get the boys name that broke his jaw...the oral surgeon said my son could be MULE lipped for life and we had to by ORDER OF THE STATE take him BACK to the childrens home after he got his medicine and exam.....so yup - driving him back to the place? I literally lost it. </p><p></p><p>The next day? I had the therapist appointment, told him what had happened. He explained. I told him when I had the stroke it felt like an out of body experience before I went almost completely to the ground and he described that too. So to recap - I'm having strokes, I'm loosing my mind and my body because of who I am is trying to LAUGH to save my mind. Interesting. </p><p></p><p>After it was over - after Dude was gone.....for a couple months it was great. I thought WOW this is nice. The dogs still tiptoed....and skirted the walls - 140 lbs bulldogs and 70 lb pitbulls.....what a shame -= the yelling was too much. And after about three months DF said I was combative. WHAT? I am not. I too rearranged furniture. In my mind? If I moved furniture it gave me a fresh start, my OWN way of seeing MY house. Not memories of THEM in it. So I did....and I liked it clean - I move, I clean - it's clean? No memories - COBWEBS and DIRT - out - FRESH, CLEAN - DO OVER......nice. CLEAN SLATE. </p><p></p><p>And that's good - keeps you busy - but what doesn't work is trying to imagine that the stress is just going to disappear, and you're going to be JUST FINE if they leave. It's no different than if you're a victim of domestic violence. A lot of people think if the ABUSER leaves the relationship then it's over. NOT. The abuser leaves the PHYSICAL aspect is over, but the mental scars are there and the brain will try to reroute itself to get back to what it KNOWS - what's FAMILIAR......we like FAMILIAR - we're not so crazy as humans about NEW, UNKNOWN.....even if it's BAD.....that's why so many women STAY in abusive relationships. It's easier to stay in a bad one - that NOT know what's ahead in a good one - that is until she's dead or has had so much of a fill she doesn't CARE what is ahead and finally leaves. </p><p></p><p>In this case? You're doing the way right thing. Therapy, group - RECOGNIZING that you are having moments of upset and NOT allowing yourself to get that OVER the edge with the way things were and trying to replace those bad emotions - is really really good. </p><p>The other thought to us is that it's happened SO DOG GONE MANY TIMES - that this could just be our way of defending ourselves.......against - OH GOSH IF IT ALL COMES BACK? I'm prepared - see? I didn't allow myself to get comfy!!! - IN this case - it's the difference between DETACHING from your daughers problems (which you are working on for the first time in your life - CONGRATS) and that's that area of uncomfortable I don't know what this is......and I think I don't want to go back to the old ways - but it's what I knew/know. </p><p></p><p>You're a very intuitive woman - What you realize now is what it takes many people years and years or months to figure out and before they know it - they've hurt a lot of things, and others. In my case DF had NO CLUE what the heck....he just knew I needed to talk to someone and called the therapist and said "I have NO idea what's wrong with her - but shes not herself." and RELUCTANTLY - and GRUMPILY I went - and when I got there -I was never ever so glad for him calling - I really needed to figure this out. </p><p></p><p>Hope this helps - it may not all pertain to you-----because well, I hope if you see a bumper sticker about Jesus it doesn'tmake you pull off the road in hysterics......but somewhere in all this maybe a small bit of help. </p><p></p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 524118, member: 4964"] I don't know if this will be helpful - but this is what I went through after the "war". Where there was no turmoil? I created it. Where there were no battles of words? I picked and picked until I got a verbal altercation. Where there was no stress? I found ways to stress myself. Where there was no emotional fall out - I had it because I created turmoil, I got verbal with almost anyone, and I had created my own stressy-hell. I saved more pets, because it created more drama too - and actually for someone so solitary and very private and I mean VERY - I found myself trying to give advice to everyone about [U][B]everything[/B][/U] - and it was annoying. You think you're helping -filling a void in your own life and all you're doing is alienating a lot of people and don't realize it. I have had so many bizzare life experiences and so many things go on in my life that exposed me to so much more than I would say most people by anyones count - I just wanted to help. I didn't realize I was a problem junkie. Sounds REEEEEEEEEDICULOUS doesn't it? Nope. Sounds N.O.R.M.A.L. in my house - or rather what I was USED to. Think about it. All these years I had MAJOR stress, anxiety, trauma, and lived a life that few people would ever understand and some wouldn't have survived. I got lucky, I got out. Then I took my son, hid and figured life would be great and it wasn't. It was almost worse without beatings and torture. So the "IT" factor was what I lived on until I had a stroke, and literally driving down the road one day started laughing at a bumper sticker that said (AND I SWEAR IT DID) REAL MEN LOVE CHEESES. It said in actuality Real Men Love Jesus. The laughing like that? Like people you see in insane asylums in the movies all that crazy laughing? You know what that really is? It's the body's way of protecting itself before the cheese really DOES slide off your cracker (right hand up) Because it scared my DF and son SO badly - DF pulled off the side of the road and was about to pull me out of the car and literally slap my face to get me back into reality. There was nothing funny about the bumper sticker. They saw Real Men Love Jesus. I saw Real Men Love Cheeses. I'd been dealing with a son in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that had just gotten out of a locked psychiatric hospital for six months, and it did no good - and before that about ohhhh I dunno eight others, my son was now a convicted felon for burglary and conspiracy awaiting trial, and in the mean time? We moved him to a boys home, he got his jaw BROKEN in 1/2, he had to have emergency surgery - the place didn't take him to the hospital - they choked him. WE went and got hm, they threatened to sue US...for trying to get the boys name that broke his jaw...the oral surgeon said my son could be MULE lipped for life and we had to by ORDER OF THE STATE take him BACK to the childrens home after he got his medicine and exam.....so yup - driving him back to the place? I literally lost it. The next day? I had the therapist appointment, told him what had happened. He explained. I told him when I had the stroke it felt like an out of body experience before I went almost completely to the ground and he described that too. So to recap - I'm having strokes, I'm loosing my mind and my body because of who I am is trying to LAUGH to save my mind. Interesting. After it was over - after Dude was gone.....for a couple months it was great. I thought WOW this is nice. The dogs still tiptoed....and skirted the walls - 140 lbs bulldogs and 70 lb pitbulls.....what a shame -= the yelling was too much. And after about three months DF said I was combative. WHAT? I am not. I too rearranged furniture. In my mind? If I moved furniture it gave me a fresh start, my OWN way of seeing MY house. Not memories of THEM in it. So I did....and I liked it clean - I move, I clean - it's clean? No memories - COBWEBS and DIRT - out - FRESH, CLEAN - DO OVER......nice. CLEAN SLATE. And that's good - keeps you busy - but what doesn't work is trying to imagine that the stress is just going to disappear, and you're going to be JUST FINE if they leave. It's no different than if you're a victim of domestic violence. A lot of people think if the ABUSER leaves the relationship then it's over. NOT. The abuser leaves the PHYSICAL aspect is over, but the mental scars are there and the brain will try to reroute itself to get back to what it KNOWS - what's FAMILIAR......we like FAMILIAR - we're not so crazy as humans about NEW, UNKNOWN.....even if it's BAD.....that's why so many women STAY in abusive relationships. It's easier to stay in a bad one - that NOT know what's ahead in a good one - that is until she's dead or has had so much of a fill she doesn't CARE what is ahead and finally leaves. In this case? You're doing the way right thing. Therapy, group - RECOGNIZING that you are having moments of upset and NOT allowing yourself to get that OVER the edge with the way things were and trying to replace those bad emotions - is really really good. The other thought to us is that it's happened SO DOG GONE MANY TIMES - that this could just be our way of defending ourselves.......against - OH GOSH IF IT ALL COMES BACK? I'm prepared - see? I didn't allow myself to get comfy!!! - IN this case - it's the difference between DETACHING from your daughers problems (which you are working on for the first time in your life - CONGRATS) and that's that area of uncomfortable I don't know what this is......and I think I don't want to go back to the old ways - but it's what I knew/know. You're a very intuitive woman - What you realize now is what it takes many people years and years or months to figure out and before they know it - they've hurt a lot of things, and others. In my case DF had NO CLUE what the heck....he just knew I needed to talk to someone and called the therapist and said "I have NO idea what's wrong with her - but shes not herself." and RELUCTANTLY - and GRUMPILY I went - and when I got there -I was never ever so glad for him calling - I really needed to figure this out. Hope this helps - it may not all pertain to you-----because well, I hope if you see a bumper sticker about Jesus it doesn'tmake you pull off the road in hysterics......but somewhere in all this maybe a small bit of help. Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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