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What happens after the wars are over?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 524154" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Star, let me just say this, when I see any post of yours, but in particular, one to me, I get comfy, take a breath and think, I am about to hear some real straight truth, learn something I didn't know, probably laugh out loud, gain insight and end up feeling good. You are such a wonderful gem, thank you for that post. </p><p></p><p>You have certainly lived a few lifetimes in this one, and yikes, some of it pretty horrific. Perhaps that's the connection I feel with you, I feel as if I have been in a similar life, just with different horrors. Growing up surrounded by mentally ill people made my childhood unpredictable at best and terrorizing at its worst. Being the oldest put me in the position of being the caregiver for <u>everyone,</u> no small task when you're 3 1/2 and are called upon to grow up and do things way beyond your abilities. That was when my childhood ended. I felt afraid all the time. I was anorexic in my twenties. Fast forward to the early 90's where I lost my home, my career, what money I had, my relationship ended, my Dad died, my animals all died, friends left and I was stranded with NOTHING. As I began to crawl out of that space (5 years) my son in law committed suicide and my daughters life spiraled out of control. I was again asked to step in and take care of everyone. My health failed, I couldn't even get off of the couch I was so exhausted, adrenal fatigue and literal burnout. I went to a support group one night, just seeking a moment of peace, and the first time there I broke down and cried for 2 hours in front of total strangers, that's when I realized, <em>I am in very bad shape. Perhaps, that was my 'Real men love cheese' moment.....</em> I sought a lot of help after that night. For me, that was the closet thing to losing complete control. </p><p>I went to court to get guardianship of my granddaughter and had to fight my own daughter, I didn't have enough money for an attorney so I did it all myself. My (then) husband left me because he didn't want to raise another child. I spent a year in the courts, which was so incredibly stressful and so very sad. My granddaughter acted out for two years while I tried to piece my life back together and my difficult child went further downhill, losing her job and then her home and then, finally her sanity.</p><p></p><p>There's a lot more in between but I would be here for weeks writing it all down. My therapist (I've had 20 years of therapy)told me that the more she knows me, the more she finds out how traumatizing my life has been. She said something the other night about how codependents are motivated by fear and when they find themselves happy, they are internally waiting for the other shoe to drop. Along with what you said, this is all making a bit more sense to me. I have been systematically making every attempt to have a different, more peaceful life. My SO coming along and just being the nicest guy in the world and loving and supporting me, has helped enormously. My granddaughter getting over her rebellion and punishing me for her mother's deeds, has ended and she is now a delight. (Lots of drama, therapists, sorrows and pain through all of that.) I have a whole new life and I've gone through a lot of letting go, especially recently, of my only child. That really was the final piece for me, of the old life of caregiver to all. So, you're right, everything you said is right. The other night I had this formless but distinct feeling of something inside me which needed to get out, and I just started sobbing and sobbing, I had no real sadness, it was a release. A big release. That fear that I've been motivated by my entire life feels as if it's oozing out of me daily.<em> It feels creepy sometimes. </em>Fortunately, I'm not taking it out on others (been there done that) so I won't have to add lots of apologizing to my plate. I guess I just have to ride this one out until I feel more like myself. It so helps to talk about it, in therapy, with my SO, here. Whatever this phase is, it beats the h#@ll out of the process of detachment!!</p><p></p><p>Thanks Star, as always you pinpoint it all with your laser-like ability to hone in on the issues and express it with clarity, compassion and humor.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 524154, member: 13542"] Star, let me just say this, when I see any post of yours, but in particular, one to me, I get comfy, take a breath and think, I am about to hear some real straight truth, learn something I didn't know, probably laugh out loud, gain insight and end up feeling good. You are such a wonderful gem, thank you for that post. You have certainly lived a few lifetimes in this one, and yikes, some of it pretty horrific. Perhaps that's the connection I feel with you, I feel as if I have been in a similar life, just with different horrors. Growing up surrounded by mentally ill people made my childhood unpredictable at best and terrorizing at its worst. Being the oldest put me in the position of being the caregiver for [U]everyone,[/U] no small task when you're 3 1/2 and are called upon to grow up and do things way beyond your abilities. That was when my childhood ended. I felt afraid all the time. I was anorexic in my twenties. Fast forward to the early 90's where I lost my home, my career, what money I had, my relationship ended, my Dad died, my animals all died, friends left and I was stranded with NOTHING. As I began to crawl out of that space (5 years) my son in law committed suicide and my daughters life spiraled out of control. I was again asked to step in and take care of everyone. My health failed, I couldn't even get off of the couch I was so exhausted, adrenal fatigue and literal burnout. I went to a support group one night, just seeking a moment of peace, and the first time there I broke down and cried for 2 hours in front of total strangers, that's when I realized, [I]I am in very bad shape. Perhaps, that was my 'Real men love cheese' moment.....[/I] I sought a lot of help after that night. For me, that was the closet thing to losing complete control. I went to court to get guardianship of my granddaughter and had to fight my own daughter, I didn't have enough money for an attorney so I did it all myself. My (then) husband left me because he didn't want to raise another child. I spent a year in the courts, which was so incredibly stressful and so very sad. My granddaughter acted out for two years while I tried to piece my life back together and my difficult child went further downhill, losing her job and then her home and then, finally her sanity. There's a lot more in between but I would be here for weeks writing it all down. My therapist (I've had 20 years of therapy)told me that the more she knows me, the more she finds out how traumatizing my life has been. She said something the other night about how codependents are motivated by fear and when they find themselves happy, they are internally waiting for the other shoe to drop. Along with what you said, this is all making a bit more sense to me. I have been systematically making every attempt to have a different, more peaceful life. My SO coming along and just being the nicest guy in the world and loving and supporting me, has helped enormously. My granddaughter getting over her rebellion and punishing me for her mother's deeds, has ended and she is now a delight. (Lots of drama, therapists, sorrows and pain through all of that.) I have a whole new life and I've gone through a lot of letting go, especially recently, of my only child. That really was the final piece for me, of the old life of caregiver to all. So, you're right, everything you said is right. The other night I had this formless but distinct feeling of something inside me which needed to get out, and I just started sobbing and sobbing, I had no real sadness, it was a release. A big release. That fear that I've been motivated by my entire life feels as if it's oozing out of me daily.[I] It feels creepy sometimes. [/I]Fortunately, I'm not taking it out on others (been there done that) so I won't have to add lots of apologizing to my plate. I guess I just have to ride this one out until I feel more like myself. It so helps to talk about it, in therapy, with my SO, here. Whatever this phase is, it beats the h#@ll out of the process of detachment!! Thanks Star, as always you pinpoint it all with your laser-like ability to hone in on the issues and express it with clarity, compassion and humor. [/QUOTE]
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