Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
What happens after the wars are over?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 524175" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>Star put it very very well. I'm not sure I can really add much. Except that I gain "insight" in some of the oddest most unbelievable places sometimes. </p><p></p><p>I have literally spent my lifetime caring for someone else. I was still a child (15) when I got my nurses aide certificate. It wasn't a month after that when I began caring for the grandmother that raised me who was dying of cancer.........while I worked at the local hospital and went to school full time. I didn't resent caring for her. Of course I'd care for her, she'd cared for me when I needed her most. And I'd promised her. She wasn't the only one I cared for. I cared for every stray that came within a 100 yards of me. (but this I've done since a very small child) I cared for nieces and nephews and gave them that special "go to" person for unconditional love, affection, and trust while they struggled with life with their very difficult child parents. Then I met husband.....and thought Here is my Happy Ever After, and I moved away from home. But husband was 16 yrs my senior (not that it made a bit of difference to US) which meant his parents were already in their 70's when we married. And so on top of mothering my own babies......going through the trauma that was Travis' birth......my kidney disease.........it still wasn't long before I was caring for father in law. First because of his heart attack. A short while later due to cancer. While I did not physically care for him, I was mother in law's support person. I often relieved her. Because I was also trained as a nurse before leaving HS, I was her information source on anything medical and I gave her and father in law much needed advice. After father in law passed I thought ok now I can focus on my difficult children........... Uh, not really. I spent most of my married life helping mother in law in one way or another as well. Of course intermingled in all this was difficult child katie & husband's ex (who called me constantly for parenting advice) ...... Years pass and mother in law is frail, Nichole is a 14 yr old plunging off the deep end, Travis is going blind...husband has lost his job..........Oh, I forgot all the difficult child friends of the kids that I "mothered" throughout the years too. Takes a few years to get Nichole through her crisis and birth of Aubrey, see Travis manage to graduate HS and then have a stroke........yup onto that rollercoaster, then we found out he has the blood disorder....I try to find ME at this point because I've reached the breaking point.......go back to school.........mother in law's health deteriorates which means amped up care......I have a heart attack.......mother in law goes straight downhill (not surprising by this time she's like 93 or so) I'm trying to help BFF get into rehab and off drugs...........lose bff......lose mother in law.......manage to graduate........katie drops on me again with the whole family........easy child nearly destroys her leg in a car accident and I spend a whole summer caring for her and the boys........and then the big giant whammo...........husband has a heart attack and dies on me. (I am sure I missed many high points here)</p><p></p><p> Katie started her drama and I dismissed her from my life for now. Nichole is stable and there is no drama there. easy child is of course healed and all is well. Travis will always be a difficult child but is doing fine. The past 7 months since husband's passing has been the <strong>QUIETEST</strong> in my entire life. No joke. (my mom made the outrageous drama in my childhood) There is no drama. There is no crisis. (except of course dealing with the grief) And it's like I checked out, a lot more than I ever imagined. Now I watch easy child's boys.......but please, that takes no real effort, they're good boys. </p><p></p><p>My point I guess is that for 7 months, and more intensely for the past 2 wks since I seem to have checked back IN.......I'm like Now What?? I've been having some pretty heavy soul searching going on. Like why am I still here? My kids are raised and they're doing well. mother in law and husband are gone. There is really no one left <strong>to take care of</strong>........Ok, yeah I still have furbabies but that is so routine and Nichole took Betsy who was causing tension with Molly so even that is gone now. And now it's like I have <strong>no purpose</strong>. </p><p></p><p>I went through this is a very much smaller scale when I had my empty nest. It didn't bother me much. I was in school and I had grandkids to spoil.....husband and I had plans for the future....... </p><p></p><p>I read a Robert Heinlein book just for fun about some kid who wants to go to the moon, enters a soap contest to win a trip, winds up with an old spacesuit instead.......and then goes on the adventure of a lifetime and meets......."the mother thing". An alien life form that positively reeks of everything it is to be a Mother. And I laughed, and thought to myself........That's what I am. <strong>A Mother thing</strong>. lol But it showed me why I was so lost. I had no one really to take care of anymore. Actually for 7 mos, those I'd cared for were actually caring for ME. </p><p></p><p>Now I haven't done like Star and tried to create drama subconsciously. (at least I don't think I have, I may be wrong) But everyone reacts differently. I do know that because despite all my medical training that I feel like I utterly let husband down when he needed me most.........that I nearly stopped trying to help anyone with anything. Over the months I have gradually come back from that but I still tend to be cautious when it comes to medical advice. </p><p></p><p>What next? It's still the BIG question. There is still a part of me that is waiting for the next shoe to fall......the next crisis. Maybe that will always be there. But now I'm planning, or trying to plan, my life without having to plan it around a ton of people. It's strange and new. Decisions I make now are just for me. And that feels weird. But I'll get used to it. And honestly? I LOVE that, at least for now, the crisis and drama is gone.!!! </p><p></p><p>So maybe........we just learn to enjoy it.<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/bigsmile.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":bigsmile:" title="big smile :bigsmile:" data-shortname=":bigsmile:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 524175, member: 84"] Star put it very very well. I'm not sure I can really add much. Except that I gain "insight" in some of the oddest most unbelievable places sometimes. I have literally spent my lifetime caring for someone else. I was still a child (15) when I got my nurses aide certificate. It wasn't a month after that when I began caring for the grandmother that raised me who was dying of cancer.........while I worked at the local hospital and went to school full time. I didn't resent caring for her. Of course I'd care for her, she'd cared for me when I needed her most. And I'd promised her. She wasn't the only one I cared for. I cared for every stray that came within a 100 yards of me. (but this I've done since a very small child) I cared for nieces and nephews and gave them that special "go to" person for unconditional love, affection, and trust while they struggled with life with their very difficult child parents. Then I met husband.....and thought Here is my Happy Ever After, and I moved away from home. But husband was 16 yrs my senior (not that it made a bit of difference to US) which meant his parents were already in their 70's when we married. And so on top of mothering my own babies......going through the trauma that was Travis' birth......my kidney disease.........it still wasn't long before I was caring for father in law. First because of his heart attack. A short while later due to cancer. While I did not physically care for him, I was mother in law's support person. I often relieved her. Because I was also trained as a nurse before leaving HS, I was her information source on anything medical and I gave her and father in law much needed advice. After father in law passed I thought ok now I can focus on my difficult children........... Uh, not really. I spent most of my married life helping mother in law in one way or another as well. Of course intermingled in all this was difficult child katie & husband's ex (who called me constantly for parenting advice) ...... Years pass and mother in law is frail, Nichole is a 14 yr old plunging off the deep end, Travis is going blind...husband has lost his job..........Oh, I forgot all the difficult child friends of the kids that I "mothered" throughout the years too. Takes a few years to get Nichole through her crisis and birth of Aubrey, see Travis manage to graduate HS and then have a stroke........yup onto that rollercoaster, then we found out he has the blood disorder....I try to find ME at this point because I've reached the breaking point.......go back to school.........mother in law's health deteriorates which means amped up care......I have a heart attack.......mother in law goes straight downhill (not surprising by this time she's like 93 or so) I'm trying to help BFF get into rehab and off drugs...........lose bff......lose mother in law.......manage to graduate........katie drops on me again with the whole family........easy child nearly destroys her leg in a car accident and I spend a whole summer caring for her and the boys........and then the big giant whammo...........husband has a heart attack and dies on me. (I am sure I missed many high points here) Katie started her drama and I dismissed her from my life for now. Nichole is stable and there is no drama there. easy child is of course healed and all is well. Travis will always be a difficult child but is doing fine. The past 7 months since husband's passing has been the [B]QUIETEST[/B] in my entire life. No joke. (my mom made the outrageous drama in my childhood) There is no drama. There is no crisis. (except of course dealing with the grief) And it's like I checked out, a lot more than I ever imagined. Now I watch easy child's boys.......but please, that takes no real effort, they're good boys. My point I guess is that for 7 months, and more intensely for the past 2 wks since I seem to have checked back IN.......I'm like Now What?? I've been having some pretty heavy soul searching going on. Like why am I still here? My kids are raised and they're doing well. mother in law and husband are gone. There is really no one left [B]to take care of[/B]........Ok, yeah I still have furbabies but that is so routine and Nichole took Betsy who was causing tension with Molly so even that is gone now. And now it's like I have [B]no purpose[/B]. I went through this is a very much smaller scale when I had my empty nest. It didn't bother me much. I was in school and I had grandkids to spoil.....husband and I had plans for the future....... I read a Robert Heinlein book just for fun about some kid who wants to go to the moon, enters a soap contest to win a trip, winds up with an old spacesuit instead.......and then goes on the adventure of a lifetime and meets......."the mother thing". An alien life form that positively reeks of everything it is to be a Mother. And I laughed, and thought to myself........That's what I am. [B]A Mother thing[/B]. lol But it showed me why I was so lost. I had no one really to take care of anymore. Actually for 7 mos, those I'd cared for were actually caring for ME. Now I haven't done like Star and tried to create drama subconsciously. (at least I don't think I have, I may be wrong) But everyone reacts differently. I do know that because despite all my medical training that I feel like I utterly let husband down when he needed me most.........that I nearly stopped trying to help anyone with anything. Over the months I have gradually come back from that but I still tend to be cautious when it comes to medical advice. What next? It's still the BIG question. There is still a part of me that is waiting for the next shoe to fall......the next crisis. Maybe that will always be there. But now I'm planning, or trying to plan, my life without having to plan it around a ton of people. It's strange and new. Decisions I make now are just for me. And that feels weird. But I'll get used to it. And honestly? I LOVE that, at least for now, the crisis and drama is gone.!!! So maybe........we just learn to enjoy it.:bigsmile: [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
What happens after the wars are over?
Top