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What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?
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<blockquote data-quote="elliedeb" data-source="post: 603839" data-attributes="member: 16735"><p>So sorry for not responding sooner, but this was harder to write than i thought</p><p>It is so hard to know where to begin. It may be best to start with saying, that i came from and abusive and split family, which i dont doubt has probably impacted on my ability to choose partners, who I can form and maintain healthy relationship with. The one thing i know is that i always knew i would do anything in my power to make sure any children of mine would have a better life. I only had the one child, because after 3 yrs into my marriage i knew something was wrong with it, but having made that commitment i felt i had to keep trying to make it work.</p><p>I split from my daughters father in 1988, when she was 9yrs old, after i had spent 11 yrs, trying to make an emotionally abusive marriage work, and I met a new partner the following yr, my daughter seemed to like my new partner (thats another s story)</p><p>Her father took the split bad, and stalked and harassed me for 8yrs, in an attempt to get me to take him back. most of this I managed to hide from my daughter, as I did not want her to have to be in the middle of things, but unfortunately, he also used her to try and get me to take him back. She was made to feel guilty, if she did not try and make my life difficult. His hope was that if I could not manage alone, then I would take him back. Some of the things he did were horrendous. On the occasions she did get upset, and refused to go to his home, he would buy her something or offer to take her on holiday, and being a child she always accepted his bribery. At that time, I do believe she resented me especially, when she was promised a Disney land holiday, but then later after she had spent a few weeks, building up her excitement, her father told her, he could only afford to take her if I went too. She did not understand that i could not bring myself to go, as it would cause further problems. I always thought that as she grew, she would learn to understand things like that. </p><p>I feel that the way I handled things at this time, may have contributed to how she feels about me now, but she says not, and wont discuss anything that happened then. She seems to have accepted his behaviour then as it was not his fault, because he was sad that i did not want him. </p><p>Even though i resented her fathers behaviour towards me, i tried to ensure that she had as normal a life as possible, and did not want her to miss out on having a family around her, just because her father and i were no longer together. I made sure she was able to attend any family activity that she was invited to, such as weddings, Christmas etc. </p><p>Like any child, she wanted to buy presents at these times for family and friends, so i obviously gave her the money to do that. Her father and his family never did the same in reverse, so i also gave her money to buy mine, and no matter what she chose I cherished. </p><p>When I first split with her farther, I tried to get employment, which proved difficult as I had no means of childcare. I tried taking on a weekend job, but as soon as my ex found out he refused to have our daughter or let his mum have her I should say. </p><p>Due to his behaviour, i started doing voluntary work for a charity, so i could get training, and companionship. Because it was voluntary, and the organisation understood the predicament i was in, they did everything they could to help me. if i could not go in because childcare was messed up, they understood, and if they were really desperate for cover, they let me take my daughter with me. </p><p>By the time she was 14, i had eventually secured paid employment, so was able to give her some things, i previously could not. </p><p>We were close when she was younger, but as soon as the teenage rebellion kicked in, her father was there to exploit that. Her behaviour towards me deteriorated, and she would not accept any house rules., which her father supported. She left me to go live with her dad when she was 15yrs old. This lasted 2 weeks, then she moved in with her granny. She preferred being with them as there were no boundaries, so she could come and go as she pleased, and do whatever she liked. By the time she was 16 she moved in with a boyfriend, his mum and his young son. I was estranged from my exes family, because of the split, and my family were all a 2 and a half hours drive away, i felt so alone, and unable to protect my daughter from dangers, as I was denied any information about what my daughter was doing during this time, and I was constantly worried. </p><p>The only thing i could do, was let her know I would always be there if she needed me, and i was overjoyed when she did start contacting me, even if it was only because she wanted money. I was so grateful just for the contact, that I always gave her what I could. She still would never discuss anything with me, and if I asked her if everything was ok, all I ever got was a blunt yes. Just before she was 17, she asked if she could come with me on my next visit to my family, which surprised and pleased me. I obviously agreed to this, but when it was time to return home, she refused and said she wanted to stay there. My sister agreed that she could if it was ok with me. although it hurt she did not want to be with me, i understood , and felt she would be safer with my sisters guidance, than she had been under her fathers.</p><p>She seemed to scared to tell her boyfriend she was not coming back, and did not want him to know where she was. Any attempt I made to find out why she felt this way was always met with she was not scared, just did not want to go back. It was left to me to inform him, and pick up her things from his house. By the way this was the first and last time I met this lad. </p><p>She returned to me, when she was 18, but soon wanted her own place which I helped her with as much as I could. This failed, and she moved back home to me, bringing a boyfriend with her. soon after this, her boyfriend told me my daughter was pregnant, but my daughter was so angry with him for telling me, so she ended that relationship. I made it very clear that I would be there for her, no matter what, and she decided she could not keep it. I supported her decision all the way, and never put any pressure one way or the other. I went with her when she underwent this, and looked after her at home. She then moved into another flat, which again I helped her set up, but she started to neglect it when she met her next boyfriend. During this time, she did work, but as any typical teenager her money never lasted. She struggled to make ends meet, and any attempts by me to guide her were always met with anger from her, and i never felt she appreciated for anything i did. I eventually stopped providing money, and started providing actual food, and paying the bills. </p><p>She was also now earning her own money, but would still come to me when she could not buy birthday/Christmas presents, and I usually gave her it, but tried to guide her in how to manage money, this was always met with anger from her. i did start to resent the fact that I was giving her money to buy her father and his family presents, when i was getting only a card, because i felt by this age i should not be giving her money to buy my present. Although i was feeling resentful, i never let her know that, and always told her not to worry, when she said she could not afford to but me anything. </p><p>I remember the first time i told her, that if she wanted to buy presents for her father and his family, then she would have to start saving, as i was no longer prepared to pay for them. Her attitude towards so what keep your money, just before Christmas that year she started her crying that she could not afford to buy t the presents, and i reminded her what i had told her. this caused one of the biggest arguments between us, and she told me i was evil and never cared for her. because it was so close to Christmas, and i did not want to spoil it, i gave in, and told her this was defiantly the last time.</p><p>She became very cold towards me after that, and still kept me at a distance, but I felt she was still learning and finding her own feet. She turned up late at home one night, and told me she had left her boyfriend, (who i had never met) and she was 6 months pregnant. She said she was happy about the baby, and things started to improve between us. i took her to her appointments and was with her when she gave birth., and she stayed with me for 2 months after the birth. Yes we still had some arguments but nothing more than most people do. Understandably she wanted a home of her own, for her and her daughter, so I helped her as much as I could, both physically and financially. I never made any demands on her. Even though she had her own life, and i had mine, we still saw a lot of each other. Most of our contact was based around hers, and my granddaughters needs. As a parent/grandparent i needed to know they were both okay, so whenever she called me crying she had no money for this that and the other i was always there to provide. I do accept that maybe this was not the best thing to do at that time, and maybe should have made her take more responsibility, but when your daughter is crying down the phone that she has no money for food/bills and then also that she give her daughter a nice birthday/xmas or buy presents for her father, his family or friends. Its hard to refuse, when you can provide that, and i also wanted them to have nice times, and be part of them, so it was for my benefit as well. Although she did say she felt bad for not being able to provide things herself, i made it clear that no one would know that she had not bought the things herself. </p><p>After a while i started to notice she had no interest in me at all, and i dont mean as a mum, i mean as an equal adult. I tried discussing with her, how it felt when the only time she seemed to want any contact with me is if she wanted something</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="elliedeb, post: 603839, member: 16735"] So sorry for not responding sooner, but this was harder to write than i thought It is so hard to know where to begin. It may be best to start with saying, that i came from and abusive and split family, which i dont doubt has probably impacted on my ability to choose partners, who I can form and maintain healthy relationship with. The one thing i know is that i always knew i would do anything in my power to make sure any children of mine would have a better life. I only had the one child, because after 3 yrs into my marriage i knew something was wrong with it, but having made that commitment i felt i had to keep trying to make it work. I split from my daughters father in 1988, when she was 9yrs old, after i had spent 11 yrs, trying to make an emotionally abusive marriage work, and I met a new partner the following yr, my daughter seemed to like my new partner (thats another s story) Her father took the split bad, and stalked and harassed me for 8yrs, in an attempt to get me to take him back. most of this I managed to hide from my daughter, as I did not want her to have to be in the middle of things, but unfortunately, he also used her to try and get me to take him back. She was made to feel guilty, if she did not try and make my life difficult. His hope was that if I could not manage alone, then I would take him back. Some of the things he did were horrendous. On the occasions she did get upset, and refused to go to his home, he would buy her something or offer to take her on holiday, and being a child she always accepted his bribery. At that time, I do believe she resented me especially, when she was promised a Disney land holiday, but then later after she had spent a few weeks, building up her excitement, her father told her, he could only afford to take her if I went too. She did not understand that i could not bring myself to go, as it would cause further problems. I always thought that as she grew, she would learn to understand things like that. I feel that the way I handled things at this time, may have contributed to how she feels about me now, but she says not, and wont discuss anything that happened then. She seems to have accepted his behaviour then as it was not his fault, because he was sad that i did not want him. Even though i resented her fathers behaviour towards me, i tried to ensure that she had as normal a life as possible, and did not want her to miss out on having a family around her, just because her father and i were no longer together. I made sure she was able to attend any family activity that she was invited to, such as weddings, Christmas etc. Like any child, she wanted to buy presents at these times for family and friends, so i obviously gave her the money to do that. Her father and his family never did the same in reverse, so i also gave her money to buy mine, and no matter what she chose I cherished. When I first split with her farther, I tried to get employment, which proved difficult as I had no means of childcare. I tried taking on a weekend job, but as soon as my ex found out he refused to have our daughter or let his mum have her I should say. Due to his behaviour, i started doing voluntary work for a charity, so i could get training, and companionship. Because it was voluntary, and the organisation understood the predicament i was in, they did everything they could to help me. if i could not go in because childcare was messed up, they understood, and if they were really desperate for cover, they let me take my daughter with me. By the time she was 14, i had eventually secured paid employment, so was able to give her some things, i previously could not. We were close when she was younger, but as soon as the teenage rebellion kicked in, her father was there to exploit that. Her behaviour towards me deteriorated, and she would not accept any house rules., which her father supported. She left me to go live with her dad when she was 15yrs old. This lasted 2 weeks, then she moved in with her granny. She preferred being with them as there were no boundaries, so she could come and go as she pleased, and do whatever she liked. By the time she was 16 she moved in with a boyfriend, his mum and his young son. I was estranged from my exes family, because of the split, and my family were all a 2 and a half hours drive away, i felt so alone, and unable to protect my daughter from dangers, as I was denied any information about what my daughter was doing during this time, and I was constantly worried. The only thing i could do, was let her know I would always be there if she needed me, and i was overjoyed when she did start contacting me, even if it was only because she wanted money. I was so grateful just for the contact, that I always gave her what I could. She still would never discuss anything with me, and if I asked her if everything was ok, all I ever got was a blunt yes. Just before she was 17, she asked if she could come with me on my next visit to my family, which surprised and pleased me. I obviously agreed to this, but when it was time to return home, she refused and said she wanted to stay there. My sister agreed that she could if it was ok with me. although it hurt she did not want to be with me, i understood , and felt she would be safer with my sisters guidance, than she had been under her fathers. She seemed to scared to tell her boyfriend she was not coming back, and did not want him to know where she was. Any attempt I made to find out why she felt this way was always met with she was not scared, just did not want to go back. It was left to me to inform him, and pick up her things from his house. By the way this was the first and last time I met this lad. She returned to me, when she was 18, but soon wanted her own place which I helped her with as much as I could. This failed, and she moved back home to me, bringing a boyfriend with her. soon after this, her boyfriend told me my daughter was pregnant, but my daughter was so angry with him for telling me, so she ended that relationship. I made it very clear that I would be there for her, no matter what, and she decided she could not keep it. I supported her decision all the way, and never put any pressure one way or the other. I went with her when she underwent this, and looked after her at home. She then moved into another flat, which again I helped her set up, but she started to neglect it when she met her next boyfriend. During this time, she did work, but as any typical teenager her money never lasted. She struggled to make ends meet, and any attempts by me to guide her were always met with anger from her, and i never felt she appreciated for anything i did. I eventually stopped providing money, and started providing actual food, and paying the bills. She was also now earning her own money, but would still come to me when she could not buy birthday/Christmas presents, and I usually gave her it, but tried to guide her in how to manage money, this was always met with anger from her. i did start to resent the fact that I was giving her money to buy her father and his family presents, when i was getting only a card, because i felt by this age i should not be giving her money to buy my present. Although i was feeling resentful, i never let her know that, and always told her not to worry, when she said she could not afford to but me anything. I remember the first time i told her, that if she wanted to buy presents for her father and his family, then she would have to start saving, as i was no longer prepared to pay for them. Her attitude towards so what keep your money, just before Christmas that year she started her crying that she could not afford to buy t the presents, and i reminded her what i had told her. this caused one of the biggest arguments between us, and she told me i was evil and never cared for her. because it was so close to Christmas, and i did not want to spoil it, i gave in, and told her this was defiantly the last time. She became very cold towards me after that, and still kept me at a distance, but I felt she was still learning and finding her own feet. She turned up late at home one night, and told me she had left her boyfriend, (who i had never met) and she was 6 months pregnant. She said she was happy about the baby, and things started to improve between us. i took her to her appointments and was with her when she gave birth., and she stayed with me for 2 months after the birth. Yes we still had some arguments but nothing more than most people do. Understandably she wanted a home of her own, for her and her daughter, so I helped her as much as I could, both physically and financially. I never made any demands on her. Even though she had her own life, and i had mine, we still saw a lot of each other. Most of our contact was based around hers, and my granddaughters needs. As a parent/grandparent i needed to know they were both okay, so whenever she called me crying she had no money for this that and the other i was always there to provide. I do accept that maybe this was not the best thing to do at that time, and maybe should have made her take more responsibility, but when your daughter is crying down the phone that she has no money for food/bills and then also that she give her daughter a nice birthday/xmas or buy presents for her father, his family or friends. Its hard to refuse, when you can provide that, and i also wanted them to have nice times, and be part of them, so it was for my benefit as well. Although she did say she felt bad for not being able to provide things herself, i made it clear that no one would know that she had not bought the things herself. After a while i started to notice she had no interest in me at all, and i dont mean as a mum, i mean as an equal adult. I tried discussing with her, how it felt when the only time she seemed to want any contact with me is if she wanted something [/QUOTE]
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