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What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?
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<blockquote data-quote="elliedeb" data-source="post: 603956" data-attributes="member: 16735"><p>Hi all, thank you for your responses, they mean so much to me, and the advice given, is on a par with what I think I already knew. </p><p>Helpangel, I am so pleased this has encouraged you to ring your folks, and you gave them the opportunity to let them feel they were needed for something. Sometimes as parents all we need is to see some sign, however small that sign is that we are needed.</p><p>I have read many books over the yrs, about destructive relationships and co dependency, and I intend to read the one recovery has suggested to me. although I have read many, when I have tried to put into practice any suggestions, there was always someone who was getting hurt by this, which I could not handle. </p><p>Although it is a pattern I now recognise throughout all my relationships, I think the perfect example is my daughter. I had always hoped, I could have a good relationship with her, as she got older, but in reality, all she has ever wanted me for, is when she needs or wants something, but when I need or want something, it is denied me, which in turn which has always caused conflict between us. I know I was trying to be part of hers, and the childrens lives, which for some reason or another it is not what she wants. I think the main problem for me, was that she wants me when she needs something, but does not want me when I need something. For a few yrs now I have been trying to find where I fit in her family, and if there is no place for me then I wanted her to acknowledge that, so I could stop getting hurt every time I tried to find a place to fit in.</p><p>The last incident over my grandsons sports day brought things to a head, and really spent time thinking, about where I fit in my daughters and grandchildrens lives, and I came back to the old chestnut I fit when she wants something. I decided that I had to do something to stop the hurt I was feeling, and the only way I could think of, was to try and pass the responsibility over to my daughter.</p><p>When she rang me, and asked me if I was going to stop being nasty, and let things drop, I told her I was not being nasty, and no I could not let things drop, because that was only setting the time up, for this to happen again, she stated it would not happen again if I did not keep making it happen, I felt she was blaming and attacking me, in order to try and get me. to drop everything. I told her that I was not going to listen to her, unless she wanted to listen and discuss a way forward, and that if she continued attacking I would put the phone down on her. In the end I did this, and she rang straight back and her first words were how evil can you get putting the phone down on me now I felt I had just given her another reason to attack me, and I told her that is not discussing a way forward, to which she replied well stop it then, so I put the phone down again, and again she rang straight back, but this time I did not speak and the moment she said are you going to stop it, I just put the phone down. This went on for quite a few hours, and I was feeling drained, so the next time the phone rang, I spoke, and told her that I love her, but I was not going to answer the phone to her at all, and told her, if she wanted to discuss a way forward then she could send me a text, saying that. For the rest of that week she constantly rang the phone, but I never answered it. I knew I was giving her yet another reason to attack me, but I did not know how else I could move forward. It has been almost 4 weeks, since we have really spoken, and through a third party I know she is very angry with me.and is hurting, and I am worried about the effect this will have on her. I am scared I have lost her for good, and I find it very hard to keep this up. I feel I am not giving her what she wants or need, and this is the longest we have ever gone, without talking. I miss her terribly, and sit here thinking should I give in again, I know its not the way forward, but I would at least know she is ok, I sit here waiting, hoping she will send that text saying she does want to find a way forward.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="elliedeb, post: 603956, member: 16735"] Hi all, thank you for your responses, they mean so much to me, and the advice given, is on a par with what I think I already knew. Helpangel, I am so pleased this has encouraged you to ring your folks, and you gave them the opportunity to let them feel they were needed for something. Sometimes as parents all we need is to see some sign, however small that sign is that we are needed. I have read many books over the yrs, about destructive relationships and co dependency, and I intend to read the one recovery has suggested to me. although I have read many, when I have tried to put into practice any suggestions, there was always someone who was getting hurt by this, which I could not handle. Although it is a pattern I now recognise throughout all my relationships, I think the perfect example is my daughter. I had always hoped, I could have a good relationship with her, as she got older, but in reality, all she has ever wanted me for, is when she needs or wants something, but when I need or want something, it is denied me, which in turn which has always caused conflict between us. I know I was trying to be part of hers, and the childrens lives, which for some reason or another it is not what she wants. I think the main problem for me, was that she wants me when she needs something, but does not want me when I need something. For a few yrs now I have been trying to find where I fit in her family, and if there is no place for me then I wanted her to acknowledge that, so I could stop getting hurt every time I tried to find a place to fit in. The last incident over my grandsons sports day brought things to a head, and really spent time thinking, about where I fit in my daughters and grandchildrens lives, and I came back to the old chestnut I fit when she wants something. I decided that I had to do something to stop the hurt I was feeling, and the only way I could think of, was to try and pass the responsibility over to my daughter. When she rang me, and asked me if I was going to stop being nasty, and let things drop, I told her I was not being nasty, and no I could not let things drop, because that was only setting the time up, for this to happen again, she stated it would not happen again if I did not keep making it happen, I felt she was blaming and attacking me, in order to try and get me. to drop everything. I told her that I was not going to listen to her, unless she wanted to listen and discuss a way forward, and that if she continued attacking I would put the phone down on her. In the end I did this, and she rang straight back and her first words were how evil can you get putting the phone down on me now I felt I had just given her another reason to attack me, and I told her that is not discussing a way forward, to which she replied well stop it then, so I put the phone down again, and again she rang straight back, but this time I did not speak and the moment she said are you going to stop it, I just put the phone down. This went on for quite a few hours, and I was feeling drained, so the next time the phone rang, I spoke, and told her that I love her, but I was not going to answer the phone to her at all, and told her, if she wanted to discuss a way forward then she could send me a text, saying that. For the rest of that week she constantly rang the phone, but I never answered it. I knew I was giving her yet another reason to attack me, but I did not know how else I could move forward. It has been almost 4 weeks, since we have really spoken, and through a third party I know she is very angry with me.and is hurting, and I am worried about the effect this will have on her. I am scared I have lost her for good, and I find it very hard to keep this up. I feel I am not giving her what she wants or need, and this is the longest we have ever gone, without talking. I miss her terribly, and sit here thinking should I give in again, I know its not the way forward, but I would at least know she is ok, I sit here waiting, hoping she will send that text saying she does want to find a way forward. [/QUOTE]
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What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?
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