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What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 603961" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Ellie, rather then play out some power struggle with your daughter, perhaps a more reasonable option would be to simply notify her by text or phone that you've realized the two of you are enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship, that you love her and the children, however, for a time you are going to step back, in a healthy way and work on your own issues.......with the intent to be able learn to love yourself so that you can form a healthy, loving relationship with her and the children....................</p><p></p><p>What you have done is set up a huge wall and insisted she climb it YOUR way initiating a struggle for power which neither of you are healthy enough to stop. So now rather then speak to each other and go through the usual script of you giving her whatever she wants and her being mean to you, you have grabbed the baton of power away from her and reversed the toxic roles. No one will win at this. Everyone loses. I do believe there is a much healthier way to do it.</p><p></p><p>You may have read all the books on codependency, however, you have not recovered from it. Part of recovery is being able to be honest with yourself about your own needs and if that troubles someone else or hurts them or in any way impacts them negatively, you recognize that is THEIR problem, not yours, you don't need to fix them and control them by throwing your needs overboard for their sake. Codependency is about fear. It is about control. It is not about love. You can't force your daughter to act in a certain way. All you can do is learn to respond differently, you can't change her, but you can change yourself. Continuing down the path you are on will lead to a more profound breakdown of your relationship. </p><p></p><p>You are victimized by your daughter's behavior and if you want to change that, you will have to work at it. And, you will need help. This sounds as if it is a lifelong pattern in all your relationships and your daughter seems extremely angry at you and you seem extremely angry at her. You two need a break and not the kind of break that you have just initiated, that is part of the hurtful game you are playing with each other. You've both been acting and reacting like this for a long time and it's going to take a lot to break it up and respond in healthy ways. In my opinion, you are going to need professional help to break these patterns, you are very stuck.</p><p></p><p>I hope you begin looking for ways to help yourself because you and your daughter are doing great damage to each other <u><em>and </em></u>you are setting the example for your granddaughter to continue in this enmeshment pattern, so that this will go down the line until someone has the courage to stop it. </p><p></p><p>I believe the appropriate thing to do is to stop waiting for your daughter to do what you want her to do and begin doing what YOU want to do, separate from her. Find out who you are and what you want. Find a life that is yours. Find out what your joy is. Find YOU.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 603961, member: 13542"] Ellie, rather then play out some power struggle with your daughter, perhaps a more reasonable option would be to simply notify her by text or phone that you've realized the two of you are enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship, that you love her and the children, however, for a time you are going to step back, in a healthy way and work on your own issues.......with the intent to be able learn to love yourself so that you can form a healthy, loving relationship with her and the children.................... What you have done is set up a huge wall and insisted she climb it YOUR way initiating a struggle for power which neither of you are healthy enough to stop. So now rather then speak to each other and go through the usual script of you giving her whatever she wants and her being mean to you, you have grabbed the baton of power away from her and reversed the toxic roles. No one will win at this. Everyone loses. I do believe there is a much healthier way to do it. You may have read all the books on codependency, however, you have not recovered from it. Part of recovery is being able to be honest with yourself about your own needs and if that troubles someone else or hurts them or in any way impacts them negatively, you recognize that is THEIR problem, not yours, you don't need to fix them and control them by throwing your needs overboard for their sake. Codependency is about fear. It is about control. It is not about love. You can't force your daughter to act in a certain way. All you can do is learn to respond differently, you can't change her, but you can change yourself. Continuing down the path you are on will lead to a more profound breakdown of your relationship. You are victimized by your daughter's behavior and if you want to change that, you will have to work at it. And, you will need help. This sounds as if it is a lifelong pattern in all your relationships and your daughter seems extremely angry at you and you seem extremely angry at her. You two need a break and not the kind of break that you have just initiated, that is part of the hurtful game you are playing with each other. You've both been acting and reacting like this for a long time and it's going to take a lot to break it up and respond in healthy ways. In my opinion, you are going to need professional help to break these patterns, you are very stuck. I hope you begin looking for ways to help yourself because you and your daughter are doing great damage to each other [U][I]and [/I][/U]you are setting the example for your granddaughter to continue in this enmeshment pattern, so that this will go down the line until someone has the courage to stop it. I believe the appropriate thing to do is to stop waiting for your daughter to do what you want her to do and begin doing what YOU want to do, separate from her. Find out who you are and what you want. Find a life that is yours. Find out what your joy is. Find YOU. [/QUOTE]
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What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?
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