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What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?
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<blockquote data-quote="elliedeb" data-source="post: 604036" data-attributes="member: 16735"><p>Recovery, I was quite surprised, by your post. I had never considered, that I had started a power struggle, or that power was even involved. I suppose if I am honest, I had not considered that power had ever been an issue, I also never considered I may be victimised by my daughters, behaviour towards me. </p><p>I may have given the impression here that, I need my daughter, to provide a life for me, and that I need to be so involved in hers. This is not nor as it ever been the case. Maybe I have not been very clear, and hope the following makes it clearer</p><p>I do recognise that I never cut the ties from being parent/child, which prevented us from being parent adult, even though on occasions I tried, which always ends up with her attacking me for being evil and mean to her, and me giving in to her, because I could not handle her hurt and anger.</p><p>I believe it is her reluctance to let go of that relationship, and I feel, she wants or needs, me to be both of these parents, depending on what she wants at the time. It is this; I think that is causing the constant battles between us, and I know that to move forward, I need to take the time, for myself, but I also cannot close the door on my daughter. I am trying to find a balance. </p><p>I have never been demanding on my daughter, and have always supported and respected her decisions. It was my daughter that included me in hers and my granddaughters lives. There were parts of her life I was not included, and I never had a problem with that. As far as I was concerned, she had her life to lead and I had mine. The areas she did include me, where she always spent Christmas with me, and I was I was always included in all my granddaughters school plays, sports days and birthday parties. Granted the birthday parties and Christmases, were what I paid, for, but I do believe if my daughter could have afforded them herself, I would still have been included. It was only after she met her partner that I started to feel left out, and unfortunately this coincided with my own life crumbling.</p><p>The feeling of being excluded became apparent that 1st Christmas she was with him. I know my daughter well enough to know if it was her choice alone, she would never see anyone alone on Christmas day, which was proven last year, when she discovered a friend of hers was alone. I believe it was him that did not want me there. Had she come to me and said, that her and her partner wanted to spend their first Christmas alone, I would have been a little sad, but I would also have understood and respected her decision. This would have enabled be to make some different plans so I could have some time, to exchange gifts etc. It was how she handled it that caused the problem. </p><p>I believe she could not invite me, because her partner did not want me there, and she did not know how to tell me. I think she hoped I would say nothing until she could call me on Christmas day, so that she could claim, she did not know I was alone, therefore its my fault for not telling her.</p><p> By raising the subject that I did not know what to do on Christmas day, I think I put her on the spot. She did not want to upset me, by saying I could not go, and she did not want to upset her partner, by inviting me, so the only thing she felt she could say was I suppose you can come to us if you want . She either did not or did not want to understand how that response would make me feel unwanted. </p><p>It was me saying if thats your attitude I would rather stay at home alone, that that caused that first big attack on me, of her saying how evil and nasty I was for trying to spoil Christmas for her. she could not recognise her attitude, played a big part in this, and she spent the next couple of weeks, trying to get me to go. She used anger, begging and pleading basically anything she could think of, but I could not go. </p><p>Shortly after Christmas she started what has become a routine, whereby she rings asks me to let it all drop, she gets angry and hurt, and I eventually let it drop, </p><p>This set the pattern for all future events , whereby she would avoid discussing them, then when I asked she would make excuses. Even though she made excuses, I always accepted and respected them. Such as when she told me I could not go to my granddaughters party, because adults were not being invited. I did not like her decision, but I was not hurt or angry by it. I accepted and respected that decision, as I always have done, It was only a few days later, when out shopping, she was stopped by a friend and they preceded to discuss in front of me, what a great party it had been. It was this that hurt and made me feel unwanted. </p><p>Any attempts to address this behaviour towards me, is always met by anger, which makes me withdraw</p><p>I dont and never have needed to be involved in hers and the childrens lives, I enjoyed it when I was, and would like to be involved again, but if I cant, then I can accept and respect that. </p><p>The thing I struggle with, is that I dont feel I get anything from my relationship with her, other than hurt , anger, resentment, and ridicule. If I tell her there is something I like, she will always tell me its rubbish, whether it is clothes, tv prog, food or anything else. She never tells me about things she might like, and when I ask her, she usually answers she does not know. I have even heard her on occasions say to my granddaughter if grandma likes it will be rubbish, and when I have challenged this she becomes angry and tells me I cannot take a joke. I try to explain a joke is an occasional jibe, and its not a joke, when its applied to everything. I always explain to my granddaughter that this is not true, just because someone does not like something, does not mean its rubbish, it just means we have different tastes.</p><p>I have more pleasant and interesting conversation, with my 12 yr old granddaughter, than I can with my 34 yr Learning Disability (LD) daughter. A typical conversation with her is </p><p>Me: hi , hows thing?</p><p>Her: fine</p><p>Me: hows uni going? </p><p>Her: fine</p><p>Me: what do you have to do? </p><p>Her: nothing </p><p>Me: you must have to do something</p><p>Her: just do accountancy</p><p>Me: ok what you up to now</p><p>Her: nothing</p><p>Me: have you got any plans </p><p>Her: no</p><p>Me, oh ok then love you bye</p><p>Her bye</p><p>Every conversation with her, is the same. </p><p> As anybody else there are times, I need help with somethings, and like most people I ask those closest to me. I suffer from agoraphobia, and find it difficult to get out..When I do I never stray far, and I stick to the same places, for familiarity. On some occasions, I would find that I could not get out alone, and knowing my daughter would be going shopping herself, I would ask if I could go with her, as I was having a bad day. She always agreed to this, but she also always made me feel that I was a burden to her. She was always miserable, but said she was fine, when I asked, and would tell me I had to be quick as she did not have time </p><p>Because I feel I get nothing, from our relationship, I regularly try to put some distance between us, but I feel that when I do she pulls me back in somehow. There is no clarity of what our relationship is, and If she had been a friend, she would have been out of my life a long time ago. I feel so bad and disloyal, just for thinking this. How can I feel like that about someone I love so much? </p><p>I also feel that there are restrictions in place, that hinder me moving on. How my daughter is with me, -she does not want anyone else to know, so if I need some help with something, and I ask someone who I know would be happy to help me, I inevitably get asked why my daughter cant help, so I have to make up some, excuse, or tell the truth. Making up an excuse, goes against my beliefs of honesty, and it means I would be doing to others what she was doing to me, ie making up excuses to hide the real reason, but telling the truth makes her look bad. Another issue that this raises is I feel embarrassed and worthless, and dont like to admit to others, that my daughter behaves in this way to me. </p><p> An incident did occur a short while ago, I asked my daughter to help me dye my hair, as I kept missing bits when I did it myself, her response to me was ewwwwwww no its disgusting, and I told her that was a horrid thing to say. My hair was clean, and I could not understand her response. I asked her what wqas disgusting about it, and she said people to do their mothers hair. If she did not want to do it, a simple no I dont like doing it would have sufficed. Although I dont have friends in the area, there are some people, I have know for a lot of yrs, thta would be happy to help, so I asked someone, and her first response, was of course I will help you,. During a conversation while she was helping me, she asked why my daughter had not offered to help, so I told her that I had asked her, but she said she couldnt. I could not say what my daughter really said, so when questioned why not I said I did not know. A few days later this person saw my daughter while she was out, and stopped her to chat, during which she told my daughter she thought it was a bit mean not helping me to dye my hair. My daughter told her I had not asked her, and my daughter rang me and was furious with me, for telling this person she would not help me. my daughter would not hear that I had not said that my daughter could not help, and I did not know the reason. </p><p>The one thing that I have noticed at the moment is that although we are not speaking, and I miss her. I now feel a little less anxious, and a little more peaceful.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="elliedeb, post: 604036, member: 16735"] Recovery, I was quite surprised, by your post. I had never considered, that I had started a power struggle, or that power was even involved. I suppose if I am honest, I had not considered that power had ever been an issue, I also never considered I may be victimised by my daughters, behaviour towards me. I may have given the impression here that, I need my daughter, to provide a life for me, and that I need to be so involved in hers. This is not nor as it ever been the case. Maybe I have not been very clear, and hope the following makes it clearer I do recognise that I never cut the ties from being parent/child, which prevented us from being parent adult, even though on occasions I tried, which always ends up with her attacking me for being evil and mean to her, and me giving in to her, because I could not handle her hurt and anger. I believe it is her reluctance to let go of that relationship, and I feel, she wants or needs, me to be both of these parents, depending on what she wants at the time. It is this; I think that is causing the constant battles between us, and I know that to move forward, I need to take the time, for myself, but I also cannot close the door on my daughter. I am trying to find a balance. I have never been demanding on my daughter, and have always supported and respected her decisions. It was my daughter that included me in hers and my granddaughters lives. There were parts of her life I was not included, and I never had a problem with that. As far as I was concerned, she had her life to lead and I had mine. The areas she did include me, where she always spent Christmas with me, and I was I was always included in all my granddaughters school plays, sports days and birthday parties. Granted the birthday parties and Christmases, were what I paid, for, but I do believe if my daughter could have afforded them herself, I would still have been included. It was only after she met her partner that I started to feel left out, and unfortunately this coincided with my own life crumbling. The feeling of being excluded became apparent that 1st Christmas she was with him. I know my daughter well enough to know if it was her choice alone, she would never see anyone alone on Christmas day, which was proven last year, when she discovered a friend of hers was alone. I believe it was him that did not want me there. Had she come to me and said, that her and her partner wanted to spend their first Christmas alone, I would have been a little sad, but I would also have understood and respected her decision. This would have enabled be to make some different plans so I could have some time, to exchange gifts etc. It was how she handled it that caused the problem. I believe she could not invite me, because her partner did not want me there, and she did not know how to tell me. I think she hoped I would say nothing until she could call me on Christmas day, so that she could claim, she did not know I was alone, therefore its my fault for not telling her. By raising the subject that I did not know what to do on Christmas day, I think I put her on the spot. She did not want to upset me, by saying I could not go, and she did not want to upset her partner, by inviting me, so the only thing she felt she could say was I suppose you can come to us if you want . She either did not or did not want to understand how that response would make me feel unwanted. It was me saying if thats your attitude I would rather stay at home alone, that that caused that first big attack on me, of her saying how evil and nasty I was for trying to spoil Christmas for her. she could not recognise her attitude, played a big part in this, and she spent the next couple of weeks, trying to get me to go. She used anger, begging and pleading basically anything she could think of, but I could not go. Shortly after Christmas she started what has become a routine, whereby she rings asks me to let it all drop, she gets angry and hurt, and I eventually let it drop, This set the pattern for all future events , whereby she would avoid discussing them, then when I asked she would make excuses. Even though she made excuses, I always accepted and respected them. Such as when she told me I could not go to my granddaughters party, because adults were not being invited. I did not like her decision, but I was not hurt or angry by it. I accepted and respected that decision, as I always have done, It was only a few days later, when out shopping, she was stopped by a friend and they preceded to discuss in front of me, what a great party it had been. It was this that hurt and made me feel unwanted. Any attempts to address this behaviour towards me, is always met by anger, which makes me withdraw I dont and never have needed to be involved in hers and the childrens lives, I enjoyed it when I was, and would like to be involved again, but if I cant, then I can accept and respect that. The thing I struggle with, is that I dont feel I get anything from my relationship with her, other than hurt , anger, resentment, and ridicule. If I tell her there is something I like, she will always tell me its rubbish, whether it is clothes, tv prog, food or anything else. She never tells me about things she might like, and when I ask her, she usually answers she does not know. I have even heard her on occasions say to my granddaughter if grandma likes it will be rubbish, and when I have challenged this she becomes angry and tells me I cannot take a joke. I try to explain a joke is an occasional jibe, and its not a joke, when its applied to everything. I always explain to my granddaughter that this is not true, just because someone does not like something, does not mean its rubbish, it just means we have different tastes. I have more pleasant and interesting conversation, with my 12 yr old granddaughter, than I can with my 34 yr Learning Disability (LD) daughter. A typical conversation with her is Me: hi , hows thing? Her: fine Me: hows uni going? Her: fine Me: what do you have to do? Her: nothing Me: you must have to do something Her: just do accountancy Me: ok what you up to now Her: nothing Me: have you got any plans Her: no Me, oh ok then love you bye Her bye Every conversation with her, is the same. As anybody else there are times, I need help with somethings, and like most people I ask those closest to me. I suffer from agoraphobia, and find it difficult to get out..When I do I never stray far, and I stick to the same places, for familiarity. On some occasions, I would find that I could not get out alone, and knowing my daughter would be going shopping herself, I would ask if I could go with her, as I was having a bad day. She always agreed to this, but she also always made me feel that I was a burden to her. She was always miserable, but said she was fine, when I asked, and would tell me I had to be quick as she did not have time Because I feel I get nothing, from our relationship, I regularly try to put some distance between us, but I feel that when I do she pulls me back in somehow. There is no clarity of what our relationship is, and If she had been a friend, she would have been out of my life a long time ago. I feel so bad and disloyal, just for thinking this. How can I feel like that about someone I love so much? I also feel that there are restrictions in place, that hinder me moving on. How my daughter is with me, -she does not want anyone else to know, so if I need some help with something, and I ask someone who I know would be happy to help me, I inevitably get asked why my daughter cant help, so I have to make up some, excuse, or tell the truth. Making up an excuse, goes against my beliefs of honesty, and it means I would be doing to others what she was doing to me, ie making up excuses to hide the real reason, but telling the truth makes her look bad. Another issue that this raises is I feel embarrassed and worthless, and dont like to admit to others, that my daughter behaves in this way to me. An incident did occur a short while ago, I asked my daughter to help me dye my hair, as I kept missing bits when I did it myself, her response to me was ewwwwwww no its disgusting, and I told her that was a horrid thing to say. My hair was clean, and I could not understand her response. I asked her what wqas disgusting about it, and she said people to do their mothers hair. If she did not want to do it, a simple no I dont like doing it would have sufficed. Although I dont have friends in the area, there are some people, I have know for a lot of yrs, thta would be happy to help, so I asked someone, and her first response, was of course I will help you,. During a conversation while she was helping me, she asked why my daughter had not offered to help, so I told her that I had asked her, but she said she couldnt. I could not say what my daughter really said, so when questioned why not I said I did not know. A few days later this person saw my daughter while she was out, and stopped her to chat, during which she told my daughter she thought it was a bit mean not helping me to dye my hair. My daughter told her I had not asked her, and my daughter rang me and was furious with me, for telling this person she would not help me. my daughter would not hear that I had not said that my daughter could not help, and I did not know the reason. The one thing that I have noticed at the moment is that although we are not speaking, and I miss her. I now feel a little less anxious, and a little more peaceful. [/QUOTE]
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What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?
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