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What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?
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<blockquote data-quote="elliedeb" data-source="post: 605292" data-attributes="member: 16735"><p>So sorry all for not responding sooner, but i have been going through a very difficult couple of weeks. There has been some developments, bit i will try and answer your Questions first. first. </p><p></p><p>Up until six and a half years ago, I had a very active life, both outside of my daughter and with her. my life outside of her, was my partner, best friend, and work colleagues, who had become friends. my life with my daughter, revolved around her needing me for transport, money, etc. The main involvement I had was with my my GD, I saw a lot of her, and was involved, in all aspects of her life. Money played a big part in this too I guess, because I paid for a lot of things my daughter could not afford. saying this, I only ever provided what my daughter asked me to, and I never made decisions for her, any involvement in hers and GD life was at her request. Looking back I can now see this was wrong, and I should have made my daughter stand on her own 2 feet. </p><p></p><p>I recognise one of my main problems, is my need to support others. I have known this for a long time, and the few needs I have are rarely met. I know why this is, and I believe it is why I struggle to find real friends/[partners. </p><p>I agree therapy might help, and I am trying to find this, but where I live it is difficult unless you have the money to pay for it. the other side of this, is that my work involved using different types of therapies to support others, so I know a lot of what I need to do. knowing what to do, and doing it is so hard, and it also brings into play other problems. trying to do all this alone, is causing me so much stress, and leaves me not knowing where to turn, without it causing hurt to my daughter, and grandchildren. </p><p></p><p>I have always been quite an anxious person, but was always able to cope with my anxiety. it is only over the last six and a half years, it has been becoming worse. The more I tried to get some help with the things I needed the more I seemed to be getting rejected. the more I was rejected the less I asked for help. the rejection i am talking about, is not just from my daughter, she is just the final straw in the rejections I can take. </p><p></p><p>I was still undergoing treatment for breast cancer, and what I failed to recognise at the time, was that my partner, and best friend, were using my illness so that they could spend more time together. If I am honest, this was a problem, long before my illness. It is only with hindsight that i can now see, they were developing a friendship/relationship outside of me. The medication i was on at the time also caused problems with my employment, and the end result of all that was, i lost my job, partner and best friend. it was difficult to maintain contact with work colleagues, due to the problems, i had with my employer, so they just dwindled away. </p><p></p><p>With everything I have been through, from a very abusive childhood (daughter knows nothing of, because she does not want to know, years of unhealthy relationships, breast cancer, and constant rejection from many, it has taken a toll on my mental health. I have become very anxious, scared and un-trusting of people. this has resulted in me, becoming quite agoraphobic, which has got worse, and in turn has meant my life, has become so restricted to the level, that I am now really struggling to cope on a daily basis. </p><p></p><p>I am now classed as disabled, (although I don't like to think of myself as disabled) due to anxiety, and depression disorder. and also some physical tasks, are difficult. because the medication I was on, have weakened my bones. I am not on medication now,as GP does not think they will help, because I have been diagnosed as having situational depression. </p><p></p><p>in my previous posts, it seems that some of you are getting the impression, that I was or trying to rely on my daughter for such a lot. this is not true. </p><p></p><p>Yes I would love to have a closer relationship with my daughter, but I have never saw her as necessary for my social life, just as I still don't now. In all of her life, the only thing I have ever asked her for is to find some time for me, and allow me to have a relationship with my grandchildren, or accept she doesn't want that, and allow me to try and move on without her. It is only by me pulling away that I have realised the reality of what has been going on. before she met her partner, she needed me, and allowed me to form a close bond with my GD. since she met him, she no longer needed me as much. she only needed me, when she needed money, or transport. once I could no longer afford to run the car, or give her money, I became obsolete. When I did start to struggle alone, she never once offered to help me, and when I was reduced to asking her for help she always found an excuse not to help. Her biggest excuse was always she would help me more, but it was not her fault I lived to far away (the other end of town). i suggested moving nearer to her, and she thought it was a good idea. I guess I was a bit naive,because</p><p>we discussed how it could make both our lives easier. She could help me get out a little more, by letting me go shopping with her, sometimes, when she did her own shopping, and I would be available to help her with the children when she needed it. I also thought i could increase some contact with the many people I had developed relationships with, when i lived at that side of town. I had not realised that what she really meant was I could help her with the children, but she would resent anything I might want. </p><p></p><p>Yes I wanted to be part of her life, why would't I she is my daughter and I love her, but I only wanted that if she also wanted me in her life. the same with the grandchildren, yes I want to be in their lives, but again only to the level she wanted. the reality is I have raised a very selfish daughter, and it hurts me to recognise that. I think it was MWM that pointed out, that my daughter might not be a nice person, and I hate to admit it, but i think she may be right. Although I think I have known this for a long time, I struggled to believe that my daughter could treat me in the way I let her, I was ashamed to admit this to others and I did not want others to think bad of her. I guess I was blaming myself for failing to fit in her life, and I was also making excuses for her. I could never understand why she would not sit and discuss the problems, so that we both could get a clear understanding of where we stood with each other. </p><p></p><p>It is only because, I have not yet give into her since we fell out 6 weeks ago, that I am now seeing things in a very different light. Yes I wanted her to find some way of including her in my life, why because she said she wanted me in it. the reality is she did not, but she could not admit that to me, herself or others. this became so apparent when one of her friends (not a close friend) stopped me in the street, and asked me why me and my daughter fell out. Rightly or wrongly I told her of the actual two situations whereby I felt hurt by my daughters behaviour, and this person seemed shocked, because she thought we had always been very close. This person already knew I struggled with getting out, and offered to help me if I ever needed it. I appreciated her offer, and no I am not likely to take her up on it for many reasons. </p><p></p><p>A lot was highlighted for me, when this friend put on FB, that she had enjoyed our chat, and if i need any help, then I just had to let her know. When my daughter saw this, she became furious, and sent me me angry messages about how dare her friend and I Slag her and her partner off. I told her this was not the case, and all I had said, was we fell out, because i cannot take getting hurt any more, and I had used my GD party and GS sports day as an example. My daughter cannot accept this, because it suits her to feel she has been betrayed, so she can blame me and her friend. I believe the real reason she was angry, was because this friend had just discovered something my daughter did not want her to know. </p><p></p><p>The reality is she portrays to others, that she is this kind, caring loving person, who will help anyone, and she does not want them to know, she is none of this with me. She does not want me in her life for whatever reason, but she does not want to take responsibility for that, and she needs to find a way to blame me, for not being in her life. </p><p></p><p>There are many people, who I know would willingly help me when I need it. Not only would they be willing, I guess some would possibly like to, as they usually turn to me for help when they need help with something, whether its a listening ear when they are struggling with things, down to repairing their computers for them. I don't ask them, because they all know my daughter, (not her friends) and I know the first thing they will ask me is why wont your daughter help you. I struggle to answer this question, for the reasons I said above.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="elliedeb, post: 605292, member: 16735"] So sorry all for not responding sooner, but i have been going through a very difficult couple of weeks. There has been some developments, bit i will try and answer your Questions first. first. Up until six and a half years ago, I had a very active life, both outside of my daughter and with her. my life outside of her, was my partner, best friend, and work colleagues, who had become friends. my life with my daughter, revolved around her needing me for transport, money, etc. The main involvement I had was with my my GD, I saw a lot of her, and was involved, in all aspects of her life. Money played a big part in this too I guess, because I paid for a lot of things my daughter could not afford. saying this, I only ever provided what my daughter asked me to, and I never made decisions for her, any involvement in hers and GD life was at her request. Looking back I can now see this was wrong, and I should have made my daughter stand on her own 2 feet. I recognise one of my main problems, is my need to support others. I have known this for a long time, and the few needs I have are rarely met. I know why this is, and I believe it is why I struggle to find real friends/[partners. I agree therapy might help, and I am trying to find this, but where I live it is difficult unless you have the money to pay for it. the other side of this, is that my work involved using different types of therapies to support others, so I know a lot of what I need to do. knowing what to do, and doing it is so hard, and it also brings into play other problems. trying to do all this alone, is causing me so much stress, and leaves me not knowing where to turn, without it causing hurt to my daughter, and grandchildren. I have always been quite an anxious person, but was always able to cope with my anxiety. it is only over the last six and a half years, it has been becoming worse. The more I tried to get some help with the things I needed the more I seemed to be getting rejected. the more I was rejected the less I asked for help. the rejection i am talking about, is not just from my daughter, she is just the final straw in the rejections I can take. I was still undergoing treatment for breast cancer, and what I failed to recognise at the time, was that my partner, and best friend, were using my illness so that they could spend more time together. If I am honest, this was a problem, long before my illness. It is only with hindsight that i can now see, they were developing a friendship/relationship outside of me. The medication i was on at the time also caused problems with my employment, and the end result of all that was, i lost my job, partner and best friend. it was difficult to maintain contact with work colleagues, due to the problems, i had with my employer, so they just dwindled away. With everything I have been through, from a very abusive childhood (daughter knows nothing of, because she does not want to know, years of unhealthy relationships, breast cancer, and constant rejection from many, it has taken a toll on my mental health. I have become very anxious, scared and un-trusting of people. this has resulted in me, becoming quite agoraphobic, which has got worse, and in turn has meant my life, has become so restricted to the level, that I am now really struggling to cope on a daily basis. I am now classed as disabled, (although I don't like to think of myself as disabled) due to anxiety, and depression disorder. and also some physical tasks, are difficult. because the medication I was on, have weakened my bones. I am not on medication now,as GP does not think they will help, because I have been diagnosed as having situational depression. in my previous posts, it seems that some of you are getting the impression, that I was or trying to rely on my daughter for such a lot. this is not true. Yes I would love to have a closer relationship with my daughter, but I have never saw her as necessary for my social life, just as I still don't now. In all of her life, the only thing I have ever asked her for is to find some time for me, and allow me to have a relationship with my grandchildren, or accept she doesn't want that, and allow me to try and move on without her. It is only by me pulling away that I have realised the reality of what has been going on. before she met her partner, she needed me, and allowed me to form a close bond with my GD. since she met him, she no longer needed me as much. she only needed me, when she needed money, or transport. once I could no longer afford to run the car, or give her money, I became obsolete. When I did start to struggle alone, she never once offered to help me, and when I was reduced to asking her for help she always found an excuse not to help. Her biggest excuse was always she would help me more, but it was not her fault I lived to far away (the other end of town). i suggested moving nearer to her, and she thought it was a good idea. I guess I was a bit naive,because we discussed how it could make both our lives easier. She could help me get out a little more, by letting me go shopping with her, sometimes, when she did her own shopping, and I would be available to help her with the children when she needed it. I also thought i could increase some contact with the many people I had developed relationships with, when i lived at that side of town. I had not realised that what she really meant was I could help her with the children, but she would resent anything I might want. Yes I wanted to be part of her life, why would't I she is my daughter and I love her, but I only wanted that if she also wanted me in her life. the same with the grandchildren, yes I want to be in their lives, but again only to the level she wanted. the reality is I have raised a very selfish daughter, and it hurts me to recognise that. I think it was MWM that pointed out, that my daughter might not be a nice person, and I hate to admit it, but i think she may be right. Although I think I have known this for a long time, I struggled to believe that my daughter could treat me in the way I let her, I was ashamed to admit this to others and I did not want others to think bad of her. I guess I was blaming myself for failing to fit in her life, and I was also making excuses for her. I could never understand why she would not sit and discuss the problems, so that we both could get a clear understanding of where we stood with each other. It is only because, I have not yet give into her since we fell out 6 weeks ago, that I am now seeing things in a very different light. Yes I wanted her to find some way of including her in my life, why because she said she wanted me in it. the reality is she did not, but she could not admit that to me, herself or others. this became so apparent when one of her friends (not a close friend) stopped me in the street, and asked me why me and my daughter fell out. Rightly or wrongly I told her of the actual two situations whereby I felt hurt by my daughters behaviour, and this person seemed shocked, because she thought we had always been very close. This person already knew I struggled with getting out, and offered to help me if I ever needed it. I appreciated her offer, and no I am not likely to take her up on it for many reasons. A lot was highlighted for me, when this friend put on FB, that she had enjoyed our chat, and if i need any help, then I just had to let her know. When my daughter saw this, she became furious, and sent me me angry messages about how dare her friend and I Slag her and her partner off. I told her this was not the case, and all I had said, was we fell out, because i cannot take getting hurt any more, and I had used my GD party and GS sports day as an example. My daughter cannot accept this, because it suits her to feel she has been betrayed, so she can blame me and her friend. I believe the real reason she was angry, was because this friend had just discovered something my daughter did not want her to know. The reality is she portrays to others, that she is this kind, caring loving person, who will help anyone, and she does not want them to know, she is none of this with me. She does not want me in her life for whatever reason, but she does not want to take responsibility for that, and she needs to find a way to blame me, for not being in her life. There are many people, who I know would willingly help me when I need it. Not only would they be willing, I guess some would possibly like to, as they usually turn to me for help when they need help with something, whether its a listening ear when they are struggling with things, down to repairing their computers for them. I don't ask them, because they all know my daughter, (not her friends) and I know the first thing they will ask me is why wont your daughter help you. I struggle to answer this question, for the reasons I said above. [/QUOTE]
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What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?
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