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What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 650226" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This is true!!! How did I see that and not see it at the same time?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is the dynamic in the dysfunctional family. That is why it is a very good thing to stay away for awhile and maybe, to never let them in again.</p><p></p><p>We love them and so, we are vulnerable to them in a way they are not vulnerable to us. If they do love us, it means something different to them than that term "love" means to us.</p><p></p><p>To me, love ultimately means trust. Respect and cherishing and simple joy ~ all that stuff comes only as we learn to trust.</p><p></p><p>Is that just me, because of the way I was raised, or is this true for each of you, too?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>When my sister first began call bombing me, I actually said these very words: "Why are you calling me?" I didn't say them until we had been talking for about twenty minutes, and I didn't say them nastily. Her response was "I love you!"</p><p></p><p>I also told her, in that same conversation, that while I loved her too, I refused to accept the identity she and my mother insist I am.</p><p></p><p>I actually think I said that with greater grace and dignity than reported, here.</p><p></p><p>In my imagination?</p><p></p><p>I sounded great.</p><p></p><p>Who cares what they think, right?</p><p></p><p>Right.</p><p></p><p>Anyway...my sister paused, and then, went on about whatever is going on down in their lives like I had never said those words about refusing to be who they insisted I was.</p><p></p><p>How strange, and how grateful I am that I can see it, now. I still don't get what the payoff is, in these kinds of relationships. I mean, I get the power over piece. It seems to me that we fight so hard to be real in our lives ~ to be truly present so we don't miss living our life time, or spend it in anxiety or depression or fixed on revenge. </p><p></p><p>Maybe they don't see it that way.</p><p></p><p>Maybe they can only feel real when they are making powerful emotions happen in other people ~ shame or hatred or sadness or happiness too, I suppose.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 650226, member: 17461"] This is true!!! How did I see that and not see it at the same time? That is the dynamic in the dysfunctional family. That is why it is a very good thing to stay away for awhile and maybe, to never let them in again. We love them and so, we are vulnerable to them in a way they are not vulnerable to us. If they do love us, it means something different to them than that term "love" means to us. To me, love ultimately means trust. Respect and cherishing and simple joy ~ all that stuff comes only as we learn to trust. Is that just me, because of the way I was raised, or is this true for each of you, too? When my sister first began call bombing me, I actually said these very words: "Why are you calling me?" I didn't say them until we had been talking for about twenty minutes, and I didn't say them nastily. Her response was "I love you!" I also told her, in that same conversation, that while I loved her too, I refused to accept the identity she and my mother insist I am. I actually think I said that with greater grace and dignity than reported, here. In my imagination? I sounded great. Who cares what they think, right? Right. Anyway...my sister paused, and then, went on about whatever is going on down in their lives like I had never said those words about refusing to be who they insisted I was. How strange, and how grateful I am that I can see it, now. I still don't get what the payoff is, in these kinds of relationships. I mean, I get the power over piece. It seems to me that we fight so hard to be real in our lives ~ to be truly present so we don't miss living our life time, or spend it in anxiety or depression or fixed on revenge. Maybe they don't see it that way. Maybe they can only feel real when they are making powerful emotions happen in other people ~ shame or hatred or sadness or happiness too, I suppose. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?
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