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Substance Abuse
What if "IT" never gets better? Or, it gets worse?
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 565213"><p><strong>IC</strong>- he got a drinking ticket (underage citation - he was not driving and he blew a 0.03) at a party that was broken up by the police when he was 16 - summer going into junior year. Of course, they called us to come get him from the party. He had told us he was going to a movie. Whatever. Personally, we didn't think it was that big of a deal but wanted to nip it in the bud. So we told him we were going to take him to his dr the next day for a drug test since he had been lying to us...and "was there anything he would like to tell us before we saw his dr? Honestly, we were bluffing and thought he'd cop to having smoked pot a few times.</p><p> </p><p>The boy sang like a canary...he was smoking pot, drinking a lot, had experimented with some pills, friends had to drive him home more than once... he'd been basically living a life of debauchery for about 2 months that summer. We took him for a substance abuse assessment at a local "positive parent" agency- a SASSI test - which showed him at risk of addiction but not an addict. They work closely with the court system and requested (privately, with our blessing) that the judge for his citation order counseling if difficult child wanted to keep his driving privileges. (16-18 is a probationary license here, any underage drinking is grounds for losing it) </p><p> </p><p>In the meantime, he had to notify his football coach about his athletic code violation-apologize to his entire team-make amends to them (basically by helping out with the JV team) and he lost his special teams position and his Varsity letter. It was a major, humbling experience. But he soldiered through it. He also had to attend an 8 week (1x w) substance awareness program run by the school (i had to attend with him 3 times, ugh). At the same time, I started him in private counseling with a psychiatrist. difficult child was extraordinarily cooperative. He was basically grounded from Labor Day thru Thanksgiving. He saw the psychiatrist weekly, then bi weekly for about 6 months. </p><p></p><p>By the time he finished counseling, he was a straight A student in a really great place in life. His counselor felt that he did not need further counseling. We drug tested him randomly at first once a week and then 1-2x a month for two years - until he left for college. He ALWAYS passed. He was good. Really great. Motivated, responsible, straight As in AP classes, on a Leadership team at school, he had nice friends and was a joy around the house. We had a terrific rapport. We never would have sent him away to school if we thought there was any risk. He set the conditions for attending "away" school - 3.0 or greater, no drug use, drug testing. We tested him every time he came home for break at least once... His last test was March 2011. He passed. In May 2011, our insurance agent requested his transcript, we were stunned to see the D. He's been lying about his grades. We decided to address it with him the next day. That night, he broke curfew by an hour - the first time ever. H asked him to take a test. He refused. He admitted that he was currently high and took off for the night ... he did come back, and that's when we told him that if he wanted to go back to school in the fall, he needed to see his counselor 3 x. It was a long, dreadful summer...we were counting the minutes until he left and then I discovered the pot paraphernalia purchase...and the rest is history. He had all ready broken his own conditions for attending school and we couldn't overlook this last, big breech.</p><p></p><p><strong>Janet</strong>, you are absolutely right and I really appreciate your kind words and the good advice in both posts. We are definitely headed "there"...but the problem is that we have been there done that and it took him further off course and made him furious with us. I can deal with his dislike of us, but it was more than that. It was like he was reacting against us instead of taking charge of his life in any form. We never intended to push him out of the nest. We told him we couldn't support his return to school and wanted him to stay home- instead he moved out. And he went from the frying pan into the fire. And it was a year of hell - punctuated by a brief period of him back for the holidays playing nice but lying to us and eventually storming out once again. He does currently have an apartment, he is paying rent on it - it's in his college town where he doesn't attend school but is bound by a lease. He did not live at home when he was back in our town -working- for the summer. Until the last 2 weeks when his girlfriend (of 4 years) dumped him. We knew he had nowhere to go and we were worried about him digging himself even deeper and we worried about the heartbreak. I feel like he has been spinning so long that he has no balance and I feel like he could be on the brink of spinning completely out of control. It's like he has lost all common sense. Yet, once in a while - we see moments or even a few days of the sensible, loving easy child - the boy he was for 18 years. He maintains he will be attending school for the spring semester. If there is even a chance of that, I won't risk it by pushing him out just yet. I am not holding my breath, but we will see. If he doesn't go back to school, he will have some decisions to make. I am not comfortable with pushing him out so long as he is working and not disruptive. But nothing is off the table. I am afraid he will be here on the couch Christmas thru January & we will find out on January 28 (like last year) that he isn't going back to school. Deja Vu. Except eyes wide open this time. </p><p></p><p>I wish I could explain myself better - but I feel like so much of that horrible year was him reacting TO us, against us - further fueled by his girlfriend who wanted to play house and have him rely completely on her. And he did. She was like his surrogate mommy, her parents put him up over the summer, he spent holidays and vacations with them, they rebuked any attempt by us to help sort it out, and she drove him everywhere; to work, to play, here. When she dumped him without warning and he came back home on Aug 20, we tried to convince him not to return to his college town - to stay here, pay his rent there and get back on his feet. He had to pay the rent regardless, but at least if he was living here - he did not have to buy groceries, etc. (While we meant him to do it Sept-Dec, he actually has been going back and forth. I think he gets sick of his roommates and needs money - so he comes home and works for a few weeks. Then he gets sick of us and has cash, so he goes back for a week or so. he goes back tomorrow and claims he will be back here on Sunday night. ) This was a kid who craved order and boundaries for his entire life. I was hoping that if he had a "home" again, a secure place to lay his head, groceries in the fridge, loving parents that eventually he would be more secure and stop spinning. That if we gave him the space and calm so he could stop reacting (stop spinning) - that he would see clearly enough to act forward. </p><p></p><p>Just as I was ready to concede to the feeling of dread; he gave us a huge glimpse of the easy child today. He was home early from work, went out for a run, made a dentist appointment, asked if I needed help with anything, was conversant, even told H he planned to meet with his adviser on Friday when he is in college town and that he is coming home on Sunday. Even called his grandma to set a date (Monday) to carry her Christmas decorations up from the basement and set them up for her. That hostile undertone was gone. </p><p></p><p>If he is the one who is spinning...why am I the one who is dizzy???</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 565213"] [B]IC[/B]- he got a drinking ticket (underage citation - he was not driving and he blew a 0.03) at a party that was broken up by the police when he was 16 - summer going into junior year. Of course, they called us to come get him from the party. He had told us he was going to a movie. Whatever. Personally, we didn't think it was that big of a deal but wanted to nip it in the bud. So we told him we were going to take him to his dr the next day for a drug test since he had been lying to us...and "was there anything he would like to tell us before we saw his dr? Honestly, we were bluffing and thought he'd cop to having smoked pot a few times. The boy sang like a canary...he was smoking pot, drinking a lot, had experimented with some pills, friends had to drive him home more than once... he'd been basically living a life of debauchery for about 2 months that summer. We took him for a substance abuse assessment at a local "positive parent" agency- a SASSI test - which showed him at risk of addiction but not an addict. They work closely with the court system and requested (privately, with our blessing) that the judge for his citation order counseling if difficult child wanted to keep his driving privileges. (16-18 is a probationary license here, any underage drinking is grounds for losing it) In the meantime, he had to notify his football coach about his athletic code violation-apologize to his entire team-make amends to them (basically by helping out with the JV team) and he lost his special teams position and his Varsity letter. It was a major, humbling experience. But he soldiered through it. He also had to attend an 8 week (1x w) substance awareness program run by the school (i had to attend with him 3 times, ugh). At the same time, I started him in private counseling with a psychiatrist. difficult child was extraordinarily cooperative. He was basically grounded from Labor Day thru Thanksgiving. He saw the psychiatrist weekly, then bi weekly for about 6 months. By the time he finished counseling, he was a straight A student in a really great place in life. His counselor felt that he did not need further counseling. We drug tested him randomly at first once a week and then 1-2x a month for two years - until he left for college. He ALWAYS passed. He was good. Really great. Motivated, responsible, straight As in AP classes, on a Leadership team at school, he had nice friends and was a joy around the house. We had a terrific rapport. We never would have sent him away to school if we thought there was any risk. He set the conditions for attending "away" school - 3.0 or greater, no drug use, drug testing. We tested him every time he came home for break at least once... His last test was March 2011. He passed. In May 2011, our insurance agent requested his transcript, we were stunned to see the D. He's been lying about his grades. We decided to address it with him the next day. That night, he broke curfew by an hour - the first time ever. H asked him to take a test. He refused. He admitted that he was currently high and took off for the night ... he did come back, and that's when we told him that if he wanted to go back to school in the fall, he needed to see his counselor 3 x. It was a long, dreadful summer...we were counting the minutes until he left and then I discovered the pot paraphernalia purchase...and the rest is history. He had all ready broken his own conditions for attending school and we couldn't overlook this last, big breech. [B]Janet[/B], you are absolutely right and I really appreciate your kind words and the good advice in both posts. We are definitely headed "there"...but the problem is that we have been there done that and it took him further off course and made him furious with us. I can deal with his dislike of us, but it was more than that. It was like he was reacting against us instead of taking charge of his life in any form. We never intended to push him out of the nest. We told him we couldn't support his return to school and wanted him to stay home- instead he moved out. And he went from the frying pan into the fire. And it was a year of hell - punctuated by a brief period of him back for the holidays playing nice but lying to us and eventually storming out once again. He does currently have an apartment, he is paying rent on it - it's in his college town where he doesn't attend school but is bound by a lease. He did not live at home when he was back in our town -working- for the summer. Until the last 2 weeks when his girlfriend (of 4 years) dumped him. We knew he had nowhere to go and we were worried about him digging himself even deeper and we worried about the heartbreak. I feel like he has been spinning so long that he has no balance and I feel like he could be on the brink of spinning completely out of control. It's like he has lost all common sense. Yet, once in a while - we see moments or even a few days of the sensible, loving easy child - the boy he was for 18 years. He maintains he will be attending school for the spring semester. If there is even a chance of that, I won't risk it by pushing him out just yet. I am not holding my breath, but we will see. If he doesn't go back to school, he will have some decisions to make. I am not comfortable with pushing him out so long as he is working and not disruptive. But nothing is off the table. I am afraid he will be here on the couch Christmas thru January & we will find out on January 28 (like last year) that he isn't going back to school. Deja Vu. Except eyes wide open this time. I wish I could explain myself better - but I feel like so much of that horrible year was him reacting TO us, against us - further fueled by his girlfriend who wanted to play house and have him rely completely on her. And he did. She was like his surrogate mommy, her parents put him up over the summer, he spent holidays and vacations with them, they rebuked any attempt by us to help sort it out, and she drove him everywhere; to work, to play, here. When she dumped him without warning and he came back home on Aug 20, we tried to convince him not to return to his college town - to stay here, pay his rent there and get back on his feet. He had to pay the rent regardless, but at least if he was living here - he did not have to buy groceries, etc. (While we meant him to do it Sept-Dec, he actually has been going back and forth. I think he gets sick of his roommates and needs money - so he comes home and works for a few weeks. Then he gets sick of us and has cash, so he goes back for a week or so. he goes back tomorrow and claims he will be back here on Sunday night. ) This was a kid who craved order and boundaries for his entire life. I was hoping that if he had a "home" again, a secure place to lay his head, groceries in the fridge, loving parents that eventually he would be more secure and stop spinning. That if we gave him the space and calm so he could stop reacting (stop spinning) - that he would see clearly enough to act forward. Just as I was ready to concede to the feeling of dread; he gave us a huge glimpse of the easy child today. He was home early from work, went out for a run, made a dentist appointment, asked if I needed help with anything, was conversant, even told H he planned to meet with his adviser on Friday when he is in college town and that he is coming home on Sunday. Even called his grandma to set a date (Monday) to carry her Christmas decorations up from the basement and set them up for her. That hostile undertone was gone. If he is the one who is spinning...why am I the one who is dizzy??? [/QUOTE]
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