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What is Enabling
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 656193" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I believe enabling/codependency/rescuing/enmeshment or whatever name we want to call it, is an issue that develops in those of us who are impacted, very early, long before our kids are involved. It is a way of being in the world, born out of unhealthy families where who we are is dictated by performance and conditions, not love. My understanding is it is fear based. We are not aware of it in ourselves. Not to say love is not involved, but it is contaminated by unhealthy boundaries or no boundaries between ourselves and "the other."</p><p></p><p>I think there is a vast area between enabling and "it sucks to be you." That feels more like "either/or" thinking which would tend to keep one stuck because both options are not healthy or appropriate. Plus, "it sucks to be you" sounds like a lack of compassion and caring, which is not the case at all. </p><p></p><p>For me, it took time and a lot of professional support to begin to decipher the boundary between me and "the other" the lines had been blurred for so long I really had no idea where I ended and someone else began. As a result, my preoccupation with "the other" was enormous and in particular with my daughter, her well being, her choices, her lifestyle, somehow became all about ME. I couldn't distinguish the boundary. As I began to heal from it, I could distinguish that boundary and stop taking everything personally about her life. Once I could identify that, letting go of her was a natural occurrence. Then she and I were both free. That freedom allowed her to make choices not based on my approval, or judgement or anything about me, but choices she needed to make for herself. And, I also had that freedom. My freedom was not based on my perceptions of what kind of mother I was or if I had failed nor did my daughter's choices or lifestyle somehow determine my worth...... now my worth is completely my own, based on who I am, not what I do.</p><p></p><p>I don't think it's a "position you choose" I think as we heal ourselves, as we recover from enabling (or whatever you want to call it) we naturally move into a healthier way of being which includes learning to love in a different way. In a way that allows the other to to be themselves, whoever that may be.......without our control, our judgments, our blame, our responsibility, or duty, or really, anything about US. The boundaries become obvious and that allows new life to grow for everyone concerned, even if that new life is way different than how we thought it SHOULD turn out. </p><p></p><p>In my experience, the healing of this thing we call enabling is not about our kids, it is about us. When we become aware of that and look inside ourselves as opposed to the external view, that's when we can shift the whole thing ......and for me, it was way beyond my daughter, it changed my whole life in almost every possible way. Without the drivers being fear, control and guilt, the level of liberation is extraordinary. </p><p></p><p>It is very difficult, in my opinion, to heal from this without someone pointing to it in you when you go into those unhealthy places......for me, I was so used to being a certain way and thinking a certain way and feeling a certain way, especially about myself as a parent, as a mother, that my thinking was so cemented I needed a number of people outside of my sphere to continually support that tiny little part of me that really knew the truth. It is very, very easy to remain in or continue to visit the FOG. Part of the FOG is a determination NOT TO SEE THE TRUTH. In this particular case, the truth will indeed set you free, but not before it takes you out with what feels like something you really don't want to see about yourself. It really messed with my perception of myself as a "good" person, as a"good" mother. So much of my identity was locked up in being a certain way, and that is the part that is necessary to let go of in order to see the truth. Our investment in those "roles" is very strong and the changing of that, the healing of that, feels bad because that false persona has to crumble in order for the healthy self to emerge. Often it requires a safe place where one can allow that process to happen gradually, as we can learn to let go.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps if we throw the words enabling, codependency or whatever term is offensive away and simply look at it in a simpler way, it might be easier to understand. For me, in the final analysis, it is learning how to love in a different way, in a way where I am over here and you are over there and love moves freely between us. Love accepts, love allows, love forgives, love doesn't judge or blame or condemn, love doesn't have conditions, it just is. Learning that saved my life and I believe saved my daughters life too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 656193, member: 13542"] I believe enabling/codependency/rescuing/enmeshment or whatever name we want to call it, is an issue that develops in those of us who are impacted, very early, long before our kids are involved. It is a way of being in the world, born out of unhealthy families where who we are is dictated by performance and conditions, not love. My understanding is it is fear based. We are not aware of it in ourselves. Not to say love is not involved, but it is contaminated by unhealthy boundaries or no boundaries between ourselves and "the other." I think there is a vast area between enabling and "it sucks to be you." That feels more like "either/or" thinking which would tend to keep one stuck because both options are not healthy or appropriate. Plus, "it sucks to be you" sounds like a lack of compassion and caring, which is not the case at all. For me, it took time and a lot of professional support to begin to decipher the boundary between me and "the other" the lines had been blurred for so long I really had no idea where I ended and someone else began. As a result, my preoccupation with "the other" was enormous and in particular with my daughter, her well being, her choices, her lifestyle, somehow became all about ME. I couldn't distinguish the boundary. As I began to heal from it, I could distinguish that boundary and stop taking everything personally about her life. Once I could identify that, letting go of her was a natural occurrence. Then she and I were both free. That freedom allowed her to make choices not based on my approval, or judgement or anything about me, but choices she needed to make for herself. And, I also had that freedom. My freedom was not based on my perceptions of what kind of mother I was or if I had failed nor did my daughter's choices or lifestyle somehow determine my worth...... now my worth is completely my own, based on who I am, not what I do. I don't think it's a "position you choose" I think as we heal ourselves, as we recover from enabling (or whatever you want to call it) we naturally move into a healthier way of being which includes learning to love in a different way. In a way that allows the other to to be themselves, whoever that may be.......without our control, our judgments, our blame, our responsibility, or duty, or really, anything about US. The boundaries become obvious and that allows new life to grow for everyone concerned, even if that new life is way different than how we thought it SHOULD turn out. In my experience, the healing of this thing we call enabling is not about our kids, it is about us. When we become aware of that and look inside ourselves as opposed to the external view, that's when we can shift the whole thing ......and for me, it was way beyond my daughter, it changed my whole life in almost every possible way. Without the drivers being fear, control and guilt, the level of liberation is extraordinary. It is very difficult, in my opinion, to heal from this without someone pointing to it in you when you go into those unhealthy places......for me, I was so used to being a certain way and thinking a certain way and feeling a certain way, especially about myself as a parent, as a mother, that my thinking was so cemented I needed a number of people outside of my sphere to continually support that tiny little part of me that really knew the truth. It is very, very easy to remain in or continue to visit the FOG. Part of the FOG is a determination NOT TO SEE THE TRUTH. In this particular case, the truth will indeed set you free, but not before it takes you out with what feels like something you really don't want to see about yourself. It really messed with my perception of myself as a "good" person, as a"good" mother. So much of my identity was locked up in being a certain way, and that is the part that is necessary to let go of in order to see the truth. Our investment in those "roles" is very strong and the changing of that, the healing of that, feels bad because that false persona has to crumble in order for the healthy self to emerge. Often it requires a safe place where one can allow that process to happen gradually, as we can learn to let go. Perhaps if we throw the words enabling, codependency or whatever term is offensive away and simply look at it in a simpler way, it might be easier to understand. For me, in the final analysis, it is learning how to love in a different way, in a way where I am over here and you are over there and love moves freely between us. Love accepts, love allows, love forgives, love doesn't judge or blame or condemn, love doesn't have conditions, it just is. Learning that saved my life and I believe saved my daughters life too. [/QUOTE]
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