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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 677779" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I agree emphatically with both of these statements by Hopeful.</p><p></p><p>My son, and so many others, blames everybody else for what happens. That is why we need to get out of the way. Because if we are in the picture, they will blame us and they do. The more we get ourselves out of it, the clearer it will be for them. Because other people do not after awhile accept their bullshxt. Eventually all they are left with is themselves. </p><p></p><p>My son said something to me curious when he was here a couple of days ago: He said, Mom, isn't it something that with everything that happened to me, I did not use drugs. I mean, I know I use marijuana but is it not something that I do not use other drugs?</p><p></p><p>I wish I had answered this: You have reason to be very, very proud of yourself, to not use drugs. People who do not use drugs are smart and exercise self-care. That is a very strong base to build upon. (Because I am not one hundred percent sure that he does not. I do not think he does, but he could be. I cannot know.)</p><p></p><p>Instead I said something lame like, that's good.</p><p></p><p>My son is adopted. Both birth parents were dying of AIDS when I adopted him. He was separated from them when 2 weeks old and placed into a crisis nursery, kind of like an orphanage. I met him when he was 22 months. When he was 19 we discovered by accident that he had acquired Hep B at birth. When he was 21 his disease worsened. Both of us were traumatized by the diagnosis and by his illness. He continues to be traumatized by it, I believe, but he displaces the anxiety onto other things.</p><p></p><p>I am so filled with dread about all of this, my own dashed expectations and hopes, my fears, pain about our relationship, unhappiness about how he is living, etc.-- that I do not sufficiently acknowledge what is good, what is hopeful, what is changing, however incrementally.</p><p></p><p>I do not really know where I am going with this. Partly I am saying that my son is having to be responsible in his life for things his parents did or did not do. But how, I ask, is that different from any of us? </p><p></p><p>At the end of the day we all have to work it out, whether we caused it or not, we have to deal with it. Our kids are not exempt. We wish we could suffer for them. We have tried this. It does not work. They have to do it themselves. Let us try not to deceive ourselves that our suffering helps. It does not. Let us try being kind to us. We deserve it.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 677779, member: 18958"] I agree emphatically with both of these statements by Hopeful. My son, and so many others, blames everybody else for what happens. That is why we need to get out of the way. Because if we are in the picture, they will blame us and they do. The more we get ourselves out of it, the clearer it will be for them. Because other people do not after awhile accept their bullshxt. Eventually all they are left with is themselves. My son said something to me curious when he was here a couple of days ago: He said, Mom, isn't it something that with everything that happened to me, I did not use drugs. I mean, I know I use marijuana but is it not something that I do not use other drugs? I wish I had answered this: You have reason to be very, very proud of yourself, to not use drugs. People who do not use drugs are smart and exercise self-care. That is a very strong base to build upon. (Because I am not one hundred percent sure that he does not. I do not think he does, but he could be. I cannot know.) Instead I said something lame like, that's good. My son is adopted. Both birth parents were dying of AIDS when I adopted him. He was separated from them when 2 weeks old and placed into a crisis nursery, kind of like an orphanage. I met him when he was 22 months. When he was 19 we discovered by accident that he had acquired Hep B at birth. When he was 21 his disease worsened. Both of us were traumatized by the diagnosis and by his illness. He continues to be traumatized by it, I believe, but he displaces the anxiety onto other things. I am so filled with dread about all of this, my own dashed expectations and hopes, my fears, pain about our relationship, unhappiness about how he is living, etc.-- that I do not sufficiently acknowledge what is good, what is hopeful, what is changing, however incrementally. I do not really know where I am going with this. Partly I am saying that my son is having to be responsible in his life for things his parents did or did not do. But how, I ask, is that different from any of us? At the end of the day we all have to work it out, whether we caused it or not, we have to deal with it. Our kids are not exempt. We wish we could suffer for them. We have tried this. It does not work. They have to do it themselves. Let us try not to deceive ourselves that our suffering helps. It does not. Let us try being kind to us. We deserve it. COPA [/QUOTE]
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