Just checking in to thank you Okie girl for this thread and thanks to everyone for all the responses. Each of all you dear fellow warriors have shared wisdom I also need to process myself in order to meet those challenging “FOG” (fear,obligation,guilt) feelings day by day. I will re-read this thread many times to digest and ponder in my heart the truths you’ve told … truths I need to know to:
· To protect myself and stay safe
and maybe even more so to :
· To feel content and accept the person my son is , ad accept the path my son (36 yr) is on for himself.
Besides taking care to protect my own heart, I also need to:
· get past my fears and anxiety for my son
· get past my feeling of sadness that he has no one and that his kids will likely have nothing to do with him as they grow older
· get past the fear and uncertainty of what will happen to him in the future, as he may never experience the security of having a steady job and independence / responsibility of meeting life’s needs (as most “normal” people do).
Being an older Difficult Child (36), I have less hope for him being able to change or even getting the desire to change his behavior. While I know there is always hope, it is more likely he will continue in the same hopeless path. What then?
I’m trying to assimilate the truth Thoreau put forth … “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”
For sure, our DCs step to the pace of a “different drummer.” I’m trying to understand and accept that my son’s drum may be the right vibration for him (for the person he is) even though it is a beat and sound that totally frustrates, drains and stresses me. My son is just not on the same wavelength with me or with others in our family and friends. Maybe this is alright for him, and I need to understand that is it alright. Since he is away and has no contact for long periods, he apparently has other support, and does not want us … (except when he needs something / is in crisis mode … but if we say “no” he has to find a different way). I’m trying to understand that I must let him go. I am now affirming that “my son is going to be alright” … in accordance with the drummer he steps to, for the person he is.
If I can get to this point - to truly believe this and let go … to truly believe that son is going to be alright, I will have a greater peace and thankfulness in my mind and heart.
How thankful I am for you all, while I regret the reasons that we need to come here. It is a safe place to land and hold tight and know we will survive. Breathe in the new day. Ka la hou