It begins one day, one step at a time.
Redirecting focus.
Taking our lives back.
You have value and worth and so does your hubs.
Our relationships and our lives matter.
Our d cs are out there, making their choices.
They learned, because somewhere down the line
we have taught them
with our responses to their drama,
that they can always come back and rely on mom or dad.
We think that we are loving them.
I have looked at this over and again, what is love?
When we rescue our d cs, is it love?
We are at the winter of our lives,
what will they do when we are gone?
Who will they turn to?
If we self destruct along with them,
are we showing them by our own example how to live?
How to love?
Redirecting our thoughts and concepts,
changing our responses,
is the best way to really, really help them.
We have been drawn into a cycle of chaos,
as their behavior escalates,
so has our desperation for their situation.
They are making horrible choices.
We are aghast and mystified at their lifestyle.
Every part of our being
screams a deafening silent drawn out Nooooooo!
This no, takes over our lives,
focuses our attention
to do everything in our power
to stop the madness.
But we do not have the power.
We do not have the control.
They would have us think that maybe we do.
It keeps us in the game. It is a trap.
We have entered the madness.
As our lives go sinking down with them, they would have us stay there.
We become literally and figuratively hypnotized by the crazy ever swirling whirlpool of drama and desperation.
The noooooo turns to yes, over and over.
And we are miserable.
The yes may satisfy us momentarily,
but it is not working.
They are still making horrible decisions.
And so are we.
Everyone is miserable, they are entrenched in their choices, and so are we.
Everyone is miserable.
Does our misery help them?
No.
Is our being miserable love?
No.
It is desperation.
Love is not desperate.
Love does not create an empty hole inside of us and nothing fills it.
I think enabling is a disease as much as addiction is.
Enabling and addiction hold hands.
I think addicts (our d cs) have an innate sense,
know how to triangulate and
choose which parent will continue to play their game.
They are focused on their choices, and so are we.
It is a nasty, never ending swirl of crazy chaos.
Here we are, stuck smack dab in the middle of it.
Love is not desperate.
Love does not keep asking, over and over for hand outs.
Love does not say, " I am going down the drain, come along for the ride."
Love does not tread upon our hearts and beat us down over and over again.
Love does not abuse, and use.
Love stands up and says, "NO!"
"NO, I will not blindly fund your choices.
No, I will not lay down my life, and follow you.
No, I will not play this game."
The nooooooo screaming in your head, at the chaos of your adult child's life, can be turned into a positive response.
That response is emphatically NO!
Because love says no.
Just no.
No more.
I am done.
Done with this game.
I love you, but not your choices.
Love is not easy.
Love does not allow things.
Love says
"You need to get your $#*+ together"
It is a James Cagney slap in the face,
snap out of it dammit, no I will not put up with this.
Love says, " There is a good life out there, go on and grab it."
Grab it Okie.
Your hubs is loving you.
He is showing you by his words, what you need to do with your son.
He is telling you " I will not go down with this ship."
You do not need to go down with the ship.
That is love.
Show your son, how to respect and love himself by your example.
Love and respect yourself.
You have value, you matter.
Love says No, Okie.
You can do this.
If you feel you do not have the strength, go get help.
Sometimes it takes another human being to look us in the eye and tell us what we do not want to hear, what we won't hear from our closest people.
You can do it.
Your life and your sons life depends on it.
Because love says no.
No more.
(((Hugs)))
leafy
