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What to do when 9 yr old ODD boy escalates to hitting?
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<blockquote data-quote="Christy" data-source="post: 306055" data-attributes="member: 225"><p>I understand what you are saying. Every time I read a book such as the Explosive Child that outlines all the things you can do to avoid getting to the hitting and kicking stage. I would wonder what does the expert suggest that you do in the midst of a violent meltdown? This is seldom addressed in the parenting books that I've come across. Let's assume you have the proper diagnosis and are engaging in all the proper treatments and parenting techniques, meltdowns still happen! My question is always something like, "what do you do when you set limits and say no to a toy in the cereal aisle and difficult child slams the cart into you and begins to kick you in the shins?" The answer you will most likely get from an therapist or parenting expert is something like, "Little Joey is too overstimulated by the grocery store, avoid taking him there." or "Set the expectation ahead of time, explain that you are not going to be buying toys, but only groceries, and offer a reward such as a pack of gum at the checkout if he does well in the store." Both of these answers are good advice but they don't answer the question of what to do in the middle of a meltdown. As a mom who has survived many violent meltdowns in public and at home, here's what I do to survive...</p><p></p><p>Keep you cell phone in your pocket or clipped to your body at all times. </p><p></p><p>In public if my son starts to meltdown, we stop what we are doing and get out of the situation as quickly as possible. This might mean abandoning the grocery cart in the middle of the aisle, putting my arm around him and quickly escorting him out of the store. I do not try to engage him in any conversation at this point. I quickly look for the safest area for him to calm down such as the restroom hallway of the store, a grassy area on the side on the parking lot, a bench, etc... I keep very close to him and will hold or restrain him if necessary. I don't discuss consequences until we are home and safe. </p><p></p><p>When driving (make certain child locks are engaged), if he is kicking the window, throwing things at me, trying to get out of the moving vehicle, I find the safest place to pull over. Jump over the seat and get in the back with him. I keep my hands on him if he is trying to exit the van and state that I will not drive until he is safe. If he does not regain control, I call 911 (I have done this before so difficult child knows that I am serious). Once he has calmed down, I remove anything that can be thrown at me including his shoes before attempting to drive again. If possible, I may choose to take back roads instead of a highway in case things escalate again. </p><p></p><p>At home, we have established a few safe areas where difficult child can go to calm down. He has a quiet corner in his room with pillows and a weighted lap blanket and there is a safe comfort area in the family room as well. That said, rarely when difficult child is enraged will he willingly go to his quiet area, use his coping strategies, etc.. It often requires some physical intervention such as putting my arms around him and escorting him to the closest safe spot. Many experts will tell you to give your child "some space" to calm down and leave him alone. I do not do this because my child is too unsafe and destructive when angry. I may sit in the doorway of his room or closeby and offer to give him more space as long as he is safe. He has had unstable periods in the past where everything but his mattress and bedding had to be removed from his room in order to keep him from destroying things in anger. His room is now back together again and he no longer destroys it because he missed having his things and knows we will strip his room again if necessary. </p><p></p><p>When difficult child is attacking me, I restrain him. I have had some training in a few basic restraint holds, enough to keep from injuring difficult child and to keep myself safe. I tell difficult child that I will let him go the second he stops and is safe. I then escort him to safe area and give him as much space as he can handle. Many people will tell you never to go hands-on and to call the police at the first sign of violence. We have had police involvement and they have been helpful during some difficult situations but they can not arrive instantaneously and you will suffer a lot of destruction while waiting. My son was also a runner and one point in time and he would flee before the police arrived creating another unsafe situation. </p><p></p><p>Developing survival strategies to make it through a meltdown is necessary but if the intensity and frequency of the meltdowns is increasing, you will need to move to the next level of intervention. It may be beginning or changing medications, it may be an emergency room psychiatric evaluation and a short term hospitalization, it may be seeking out additional support or services in the community. </p><p></p><p>While I am sorry you are struggling with this, I hope it comforts you to know that you are not alone. I wish you the best as you seek help for your son.</p><p></p><p>Welcome,</p><p>Christy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Christy, post: 306055, member: 225"] I understand what you are saying. Every time I read a book such as the Explosive Child that outlines all the things you can do to avoid getting to the hitting and kicking stage. I would wonder what does the expert suggest that you do in the midst of a violent meltdown? This is seldom addressed in the parenting books that I've come across. Let's assume you have the proper diagnosis and are engaging in all the proper treatments and parenting techniques, meltdowns still happen! My question is always something like, "what do you do when you set limits and say no to a toy in the cereal aisle and difficult child slams the cart into you and begins to kick you in the shins?" The answer you will most likely get from an therapist or parenting expert is something like, "Little Joey is too overstimulated by the grocery store, avoid taking him there." or "Set the expectation ahead of time, explain that you are not going to be buying toys, but only groceries, and offer a reward such as a pack of gum at the checkout if he does well in the store." Both of these answers are good advice but they don't answer the question of what to do in the middle of a meltdown. As a mom who has survived many violent meltdowns in public and at home, here's what I do to survive... Keep you cell phone in your pocket or clipped to your body at all times. In public if my son starts to meltdown, we stop what we are doing and get out of the situation as quickly as possible. This might mean abandoning the grocery cart in the middle of the aisle, putting my arm around him and quickly escorting him out of the store. I do not try to engage him in any conversation at this point. I quickly look for the safest area for him to calm down such as the restroom hallway of the store, a grassy area on the side on the parking lot, a bench, etc... I keep very close to him and will hold or restrain him if necessary. I don't discuss consequences until we are home and safe. When driving (make certain child locks are engaged), if he is kicking the window, throwing things at me, trying to get out of the moving vehicle, I find the safest place to pull over. Jump over the seat and get in the back with him. I keep my hands on him if he is trying to exit the van and state that I will not drive until he is safe. If he does not regain control, I call 911 (I have done this before so difficult child knows that I am serious). Once he has calmed down, I remove anything that can be thrown at me including his shoes before attempting to drive again. If possible, I may choose to take back roads instead of a highway in case things escalate again. At home, we have established a few safe areas where difficult child can go to calm down. He has a quiet corner in his room with pillows and a weighted lap blanket and there is a safe comfort area in the family room as well. That said, rarely when difficult child is enraged will he willingly go to his quiet area, use his coping strategies, etc.. It often requires some physical intervention such as putting my arms around him and escorting him to the closest safe spot. Many experts will tell you to give your child "some space" to calm down and leave him alone. I do not do this because my child is too unsafe and destructive when angry. I may sit in the doorway of his room or closeby and offer to give him more space as long as he is safe. He has had unstable periods in the past where everything but his mattress and bedding had to be removed from his room in order to keep him from destroying things in anger. His room is now back together again and he no longer destroys it because he missed having his things and knows we will strip his room again if necessary. When difficult child is attacking me, I restrain him. I have had some training in a few basic restraint holds, enough to keep from injuring difficult child and to keep myself safe. I tell difficult child that I will let him go the second he stops and is safe. I then escort him to safe area and give him as much space as he can handle. Many people will tell you never to go hands-on and to call the police at the first sign of violence. We have had police involvement and they have been helpful during some difficult situations but they can not arrive instantaneously and you will suffer a lot of destruction while waiting. My son was also a runner and one point in time and he would flee before the police arrived creating another unsafe situation. Developing survival strategies to make it through a meltdown is necessary but if the intensity and frequency of the meltdowns is increasing, you will need to move to the next level of intervention. It may be beginning or changing medications, it may be an emergency room psychiatric evaluation and a short term hospitalization, it may be seeking out additional support or services in the community. While I am sorry you are struggling with this, I hope it comforts you to know that you are not alone. I wish you the best as you seek help for your son. Welcome, Christy [/QUOTE]
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