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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 461259" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>First of all, welcome. You have done enough blaming of yourself - you can spend a lifetime blaming but it won't accomplish much. So be kind to yourself, know that you did the best you could with what you knew how to do. you did not EVER wake up and wonder "How can I destroy/ruin/mess up/upset/ wreck my child/my child's life today?" Since you did NOT do that, you need to be gentle and kind to yourself. </p><p></p><p>I urge you, strongly, to feel really good that you reached out here. It is a first step. You will get a LOT of ideas/advice here. Please know that we don't expect you to do all of it or to do it right away. We know that not all will be appropriate to your situation, and that you won't be ready to handle all of it. Some days you won't be able to handle anything but reading and thinking about things. It is OK. We understand.</p><p></p><p>Have you ever contacted your local Domestic Violence Center? You don't have to move into the shelter to get help from them. The therapy and other types of help - and they have a LOT of types of help - are free. At least in the US. You can call or go in and set up an appointment to talk to someone. They will help your kids if the kids want it. I would encourage you to do what you can to demand your 11yo go. The 17yo is basically an adult, and you can't really force him to do much. Please remember, as you make progress, that it took many years to get to this point and will take many years to get out. Progress is the goal, not perfection. </p><p></p><p>I also think that alanon or narcanon might be a good real-life support for you. You have lived with substance abuse for a long time and have learned ways of thinking/acting that are specific to that problem. You do not ever have to speak up at a meeting, or can speak at the first one. It is about what you are ready for, but it can help just to know that you are not the only one with problems of that nature, and that there are ways to change.</p><p></p><p>The others are right - pick ONE problem and work on it at a time. </p><p></p><p>I hate that you have problems but I am glad you are here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 461259, member: 1233"] First of all, welcome. You have done enough blaming of yourself - you can spend a lifetime blaming but it won't accomplish much. So be kind to yourself, know that you did the best you could with what you knew how to do. you did not EVER wake up and wonder "How can I destroy/ruin/mess up/upset/ wreck my child/my child's life today?" Since you did NOT do that, you need to be gentle and kind to yourself. I urge you, strongly, to feel really good that you reached out here. It is a first step. You will get a LOT of ideas/advice here. Please know that we don't expect you to do all of it or to do it right away. We know that not all will be appropriate to your situation, and that you won't be ready to handle all of it. Some days you won't be able to handle anything but reading and thinking about things. It is OK. We understand. Have you ever contacted your local Domestic Violence Center? You don't have to move into the shelter to get help from them. The therapy and other types of help - and they have a LOT of types of help - are free. At least in the US. You can call or go in and set up an appointment to talk to someone. They will help your kids if the kids want it. I would encourage you to do what you can to demand your 11yo go. The 17yo is basically an adult, and you can't really force him to do much. Please remember, as you make progress, that it took many years to get to this point and will take many years to get out. Progress is the goal, not perfection. I also think that alanon or narcanon might be a good real-life support for you. You have lived with substance abuse for a long time and have learned ways of thinking/acting that are specific to that problem. You do not ever have to speak up at a meeting, or can speak at the first one. It is about what you are ready for, but it can help just to know that you are not the only one with problems of that nature, and that there are ways to change. The others are right - pick ONE problem and work on it at a time. I hate that you have problems but I am glad you are here. [/QUOTE]
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